Anyway, because I'll be away for a week without internet access, I'm doing my Week 1 recap without the benefit of another day or two to really let things sink in. Also, Monday night's two match-ups will have to wait. Sorry. By the by, I went 10-3 before Sunday night. Boooom!!!
Giants over Redskins, 16-7
My Pick: Giants over Redskins, 20-13
So the Redskins were garbage. Meh. The Giants were crap, too. Fuck it.
The play-calling was really a mystery on both sides. Little effort was made to establish the ground game by the Redskins, until a very strange sequence near the end of the game, when one might have expected the Redskins to speed things up in an effort to . . . I don't know . . . maybe win the game. Suddenly, Jim Zorn's inner Jeff Fisher came roaring to the surface and the Redskins made a strange commitment to the run game. Hmmmm.
As for Kevin Gilbride, what can you say? He strangely abandoned the run, slowly but surely, even as his horse of a running back was tearing the interior of Washington's defense a new one. Several new ones. Tearing new ones and then brutally raping them, one after another.
Still, I feel pretty ok about the result. Plenty of teams played like garbage on offense on opening weekend. The Redskins won the turnover battle, recorded more sacks, and seemed to improve as the game went on, while the Giants pretty clearly played worse in each subsequent quarter.
Did you see Clinton Portis effing destroy Mathias Kiwaunuka? Holy shit! He totally made up for Brandon Jacobs truck-sticking Laron Landry earlier in the game. Even the devoted Skins haters in the room with me had to admit the effort was there from the players on the field. The play-calling was rubbish and the clock management was . . . well . . . awful. I plain did not see a hopeless or even especially bad team. I saw a team with lots of heart working through an ugly game. I'll take it.
Atlanta over Detroit, 34-21
My Pick: Detroit over Atlanta, 27-10
Two stories here: first, the impeccable job done by Atlanta's coaching staff at both preparing their team and then calling the game. The commitment to the ground game, the design of always giving Matt Ryan a deep option to just heave the ball to, the use of playaction . . . beautiful.
Second, wow was Detroit's defense straight up offensively bad. Horrible. Unable to stop the run at all, ever, and equally unable to prevent big plays in the passing game. No pass rush, no push up front, nothing. Terrible. Detroit's offense was actually pretty professional, but what the hell could they do? If someone keeps a stat on how much time NFL offenses stay on the field, I'm willing to put ten bucks down today that the Lions offense will be right at the bottom of the pack. Their defense is putrid.
But seriously, as Winston Wolf might put it regarding the Atlanta Falcons, "Let's not start sucking each other's dicks quite yet, gentlemen." They hit a lot of big plays and absolutely owned the line of scrimmage on offense, but I'm still not sure they're better than a 5-win team. We'll see. Good start, though. I tip my bonnet.
Ravens over Bengals, 17-10
My Pick: Ravens over Bengals, 19-16
Who picked it, huh? By the way, the Bengals are a piece of shit. They suck. Carson Palmer is a friggin' joke. Still, I'd really like to thank him and those god-awful Bengals for making me feel a bit better about the Skins and Jason Campbell. Certainly, if Palmer can put up that dog against the foul-smelling Ravens, Campbell (in a brand new offense with a new head coach and roughly a third as much talent on the field around him as Palmer's unit) can be forgiven for laying an egg against the Super Bowl champs.
Oh, right, the Bengals. Turrable. No defense, no running game, no heart, nothing. This is a 4-win team.
Bills over Seahawks, 34-10
My Pick: Seahawks over Bills, 20-17
Wow. Matt Hasselbeck. How's that back? Can you say "Hassel-back"? Yeesh. That cat was awful, nearly as bad as my little joke there.
It's gulp time in Seattle. Certainly, losing to the upstart Bills in Buffalo is nothing to be ashamed of, but losing by 24 points and having your Pro-Bowl quarterback play like dogshit is bad news. That speedy defense? Drilled. How's about special teams? Not so good. Dominated in all phases of the game, and how! Man, that NFC West is every bit as bad as advertised. Now, excuse my while I ignore them for the rest of all time.
Jets over Dolphins, 17-13
My Pick: Dolphins over Jets, 17-13
Meh. Wake me when they Jets win the Super Bowl. Which will never happen with Brett Favre at the helm.
Patriots over Chiefs, 17-10
My Pick: Patriots over Chiefs by a lot of touchdowns
If you're a Pats fan, first, you're an asshole. But seriously, you're gulping. Admit it. Not just because Tom Brady went down, but because he was outplayed by Matt Cassell and the Patriots still barely squeaked out the win. At home. Over a garbage team that is really only playing for respect. And their golden boy just blew out his knee. So eat a dick, Pats fans.
Saints over Bucs, 24-20
My Pick: Saints over Bucs, 24-14
Friggin' Gruden. Too much pride on this guy to just stick with the ground game, even though it was working, even though the passing attack was for shit, even though his quarterback spent his pre-season grumbling on the sideline with a major chapped asshole, even though his number one receiver skipped the entirety of training camp. Nice job. His team played with balls, especially on defense, but he undermined them thoroughly. Reggie Bush had some big plays, especially down the stretch. That was good to see. Against all odds, I'm still hoping this guy turns into a big-time player.
Also, the Bucs just gave away the division.
Eagles over Rams, 38-3
My Pick: Eagles over Rams, 31-17
Bwahahahahahahahahaha! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wow, who's not shitting their pants in the Rams locker room right now? Stephen Jackson? Yeah, you just signed up for a career of this crap. Mark Bulger, a.k.a. "The Most Overpaid Person in the NFL"? Or how about Scott "This Close to Losing My Job" Linehan, who can be certain he'll NEVER get another shot as an NFL head coach after this shit-fest? Holy crap.
Also, at what point would it be appropriate for Donovan McNabb to wave his dick at those fucktard Philly fans every time he completes a pass? Or how about wiping his ass with Sal Paolantonio's microphone after every touchdown? See, the Eagles will almost certainly be in the playoffs this season, and they might well win their division, but either way, there's no way they lose more than 6 games. No way. Not with McNabb slinging it around like that.
There's some gulping going around in the NFC East . . . by the Cowboys, Giants, and Redskins. If the Eagles are this good with friggin' Hank Baskett and whoever else out there at receiver, wait 'till they get to full speed. Yipe!
Steelers over Texans, 38-17
My Pick: Steelers over Texans, 21-20
AFC South, my ass. The Texans were getting drilled left and right before Mike Tomlin put it in neutral down the stretch, even going so far as removing Ben Roethlisberger from the game early in the fourth quarter. To me, it's the mistake of a guy that still hasn't figured out how to manage a game from start to finish, but to his credit, there's some good sportsmanship there. His Steelers had spent all of the first three quarters annihilating the Texans, to the point that they could have very easily put up a Madden-like, epic trouncing on Houston, to the tune of maybe 50-zip, maybe even worse. This game wasn't even nearly as close as the final score.
Now, maybe I could get Tomlin to leave Roethlisberger in the game long enough to help my fantasy team out a little more? Seriously, I needed some more points from this guy.
Titans over Jaguars, 17-10
My Pick: Titans over Jaguars, 16-13
Told you. Why? Because Jack Del Rio completely abandoned the run, even though his quarterback had no time in the pocket and his receivers never got open. David Garrard was sacked 7 times in this game and threw 2 picks. Atrocious. And along the lines of my "AFC South, my ass" comment, seriously: the AFC South combined to look like total effing shit on opening weekend. Vince Young was horrible before he went down. David Garrard was awful. Neither team has enough juice to be a serious contender, not if they play like this. All the Colts will need to do is show up and they'll have the division for the umpteenth time in a row. Also, Albert Haynesworth is a beast. Truly. The Titans defense might be too much for pretty much anybody this season.
Cowboys over Browns, 28-10
My Pick: Cowboys over Browns, 28-20
Blech. Ugly. Not pretty at all. The Browns defense didn't even slow down the Cowboys. They were more enablers than anything else. This team has playoff hopes, but I don't feel so good about it. Nor can they right about now.
Panthers over Chargers, 26-24
My Pick: Panthers over Chargers, 21-14
Told y'all! Told y'all not to fuck with me! Who else wants some? Huh? Who else wants some?
Why? Because the Chargers suck. More specifically, they're not explosive on offense because their quarterback is Philip Rivers, and they're not any good on defense because their head coach is Norv Turner, their defensive coordinator is Ted Cottrell, and dammit, they're just a soft ass defense. On the other hand, the Panthers are finally tough and they've got two explosive players at the tailback position. That'll do against a soft-ass, self-anointed, front-running bullshit team like San Diego. Kiss my ass, Chargers fans.
Cardinals over 49ers, 23-13
My Pick: Cardinals over 49ers, 27-17
Pretty close, no? As in, right on. Blammo.
There you have it, San Francisco fans. Mike Nolan sold your team's soul to a pansy-ass overrated offensive coordinator and a journeyman quarterback, and here's the payoff. You still suck, you're going nowhere, there will be complete turnover in the organization by next season, your team might well be relocating very soon, and you pissed away the first overall pick in the draft so your team could win 4 games behind this garbage. Lots to like!
As for the Cards, hey, they stunk in the red-zone, but all told they were eons better than any other team in their division on this day. That's not saying a whole lot, but if they can keep it up, they could have this crap-heap wrapped up by Thanksgiving. I'd be ok with that.
Bears over Colts, 29-13
My Pick: Colts over Bears, 17-10
Well, I said Chicago would be tough. The Colts seemed to be really out of rhythm on offense, and they paid the price for a costly turnover and the general inability to convert in the red-zone. I still think they'll win the now-suspect AFC South. You hear me Tennessee, Jacksonville, and Houston? I'm putting you pieces of shit on notice: until I see some convincing improvement on the offensive end from you fuckers, your division is totally out of the running for strongest in the NFL. The only reason the AFC South won a game this weekend is because two of their incompetent teams played against each other. Otherwise, it's an opening day donut for these guys.
As for the Bears, hey, it looks like they found a keeper in Matt Forte. The defense was up to the task. Nothing would make me happier than Lovie Smith leading this team back to respectability in time to save his job. Keep it up, Bears!
