And Now . . . Halftime!

Holy hell.  

What the hell is going on out there?

First, the defense:

Reed Doughty just ain't gettin' the job done at all.  He wiffed on D'Angelo Williams on the long run that ended with the Steve Smith fumble-recovery/touchdown.  Then he got smoked in coverage by Whatsisass Rosario.  I want this guy to be good.  Laron Landry better be Bob Sanders x 12.

Where in God's name is the defensive line?  Holy crap, they're getting pushed back from the line of scrimmage so fast they might as well call themselves linebackers.  London Fletcher is absolutely nowhere to be found.  Absolutely zero defense is being played in the middle of the field, and Carolina is running every rush and pass play between the hashmarks.  Greg Blache is over there looking at photos while his defense is having their balls shredded and their asses turned inside out.  Horrible. Absolutely horrible.

The Offense:

What offense?

When were they on the field?

Casey Rabach's soul is being anally raped by Damione Lewis.  Rabach might as well call himself a quarterback, he's spending more time in the Redskins backfield than Clinton Portis.  Ladell Betts is running like a total joke, diverting sideways and showing no interest in making contact with a defender at all.  Jon Jansen and Chris Samuels have long since handed their scrotums over to Carolina's ends.  

I'd say Jason Campbell is holding onto the ball too long, except I'm pretty sure a quarterback is supposed to be able to hold onto the ball for about 3 seconds after the snap.  So far, he's had about 3 seconds total in the pocket.  Still, he missed Antwan Randle-El on a route up the sideline and is averaging about 4 yards per attempt.  Putrid.

Special teams . . . what the fuck?  What's with guys bringing the ball out from 4 yards deep?  If I'm James Thrash, I'm tackling the shit out of Rock Cartwright and Devin Thomas as soon as they catch the ball in the endzone.  Holy hell.  That's the simple shit.  For fucks sake.

34-0.  At halftime.  303 offensive yards to 49.  178 rushing yards for Carolina.  Seriously, I can remember a time when the Carolina Panthers went completely nuts on the Redskins.  Tim Biakabatuka ran for about 180 yards and 3 scores when Norv Turner was running the show in Washington.  

If you're a mild-mannered guy like Jim Zorn, what the hell do you say to your team at halftime?  Do you quietly, and through gritted teeth, threaten to shank the children of your players and poison the drinking water if the execution doesn't improve?  Or do you go completely nuts and snap someone's neck in the locker room?  Jesus Effing Christ.  If the Redskins are this bad . . . well, hell with that . . . if the Redskins are even half, even a third this bad, they won't win 6 games this year.  

The End of the World

Better yet, I can't think of a time ever when a team has played worse through a half of football than the Redskins tonight.  They're giving me diarrhea.  No part of the team has looked even halfway decent.  Durant Brooks, the punter, is the only guy on the team who has done jack shit to this point.  

Seriously, my hair is going to start falling out any minute.  This is just the most sickening display of football imaginable.

Oh My God No.

No team has looked worse this preseason, at any point, than the Redskins have through a quarter and a half against the Carolina Panthers.  God I hope they're not really this bad.  

Casey Rabach is getting absolutely owned by Damione Lewis.  The Panthers are running straight at the Skins defense and chewing up big chunks of yardage.  Jason Campbell has no hope in the pocket.  And Jason Taylor's career just ended.

Wow.  I wish I hadn't stuck around to watch this game.

More Skynards

Looking over the Redskins schedule:

The Redskins don't get to the dog-meat part of their road schedule until the final weeks of the season, when they go to Cincinnati, to Baltimore, and to San Francisco in the span of four weeks. That's a positive thing, because if the Redskins are in a battle for playoff position, they'll be in good shape to finish strong. The Ravens and 49ers figure to be total trash, and there's a high likelihood that the Bengals will have self-destructed by then.

But up to that point, the Skins actually have a pretty tough schedule. I guess that can be expected for any team in the NFC East these days. Washington got lucky, though, with only one semi-tough out of conference road game, in Seattle. Seattle has had Washington's number for several years now, and that's just unacceptable. The Seahawks are one of the most overrated teams in the NFL, I can't handle them routinely coming out on top against the Skins. No way.

Other than that, they go to Detroit and then the aforementioned poo-poo platter down the stretch. Detroit could be interesting: their defense will be garbage, but they've got big-time receivers and a hot quarterback. Nevermind that the Skins absolutely crushed the Lions last season. The pass rush will be important in that game. Pressuring any quarterback who has previously played in the Mike Martz system turns them into a screaming, shitting disaster, as evidenced by Jon Kitna's epic disaster of a game in this matchup last season, and Kurt Warner's ongoing PTSD. Come to think of it, Marc Bulger is right there too, what with the fumblitis and the constant injuries.

Speaking of Martz, Bulger, and dog-meat, the Skins host the woeful Rams in week six, after consecutive division road games. That should be a bloodbath. The Rams are horrid.

The way I see it, the Skins have four out-of-division home games against teams with legit playoff hopes: week two vs. the Saints, week three vs. the Cardinals, week 7 vs. the Browns, and week 9 vs. the Steelers right before the bye. The Saints were slow starters last season, and the pass rush will be a huge factor in this matchup. New Orleans is potentially explosive, and we saw how dirt-poor Drew Brees was in the face of pocket pressure at the start of last season. Same goes for Arizona. The Cardinals could even be more explosive, so heat on the passer will be important. The Browns may not have a defense worth mentioning, and just like the other two, it's an explosive offense that will require a consistent pass-rush. The Steelers are tough, man. They've got no offensive line, so if the Skins can stuff the run, a pass-rush shouldn't be too difficult to muster. Honestly, the Redskins could very easily take 3 of 4 of those home dates.

Let's assume the Redskins win all the out-of-division games they ought to win . . . that gives them four wins . . . I think . . . yeah. 49ers, Rams, Bengals, Ravens. Then lets go ahead and say the Skins split their division games, that puts us at seven. That leaves @ Seattle and Detroit, and home games against New Orleans, Arizona, Cleveland, and Pittsburgh. Let's go ahead and say they split those games. That gets us to 10 wins, which will put the Skins in the wild-card race but not get them a division. Shoot.

Now, another interesting note: after their opening five games, the Redskins go through a stretch where they play 4 of 5 and 5 of 7 games at home, while their division foes in Philadelphia don't play consecutive home games all season. This will be a crucial stretch in the Redskins schedule, a big-time chance to take advantage of some home cooking before they go on their season ending binge vs. the NFL's garbage. If they can take those home games, they'll be in great position to finish the season strong and ready for the playoffs. The late bye week (week 10) is a bonus as well.

Redskins and Expansion Teams

Some quick thoughts about the Redskins:

1. I'm really pulling for Erasmus James. Not only because he's a former first-round guy who sits right on the brink of being labeled a total bust, but because, if he's healthy, the Redskins could have one of the NFL's great pass-rushes this season. Andre Carter and Jason Taylor are good enough, and most folks don't know that Anthony Montgomery, Demetric Evans, and Kedric Golston are pretty disruptive linemen. This Rob Jackson guy from Kansas State has been making plays from the defensive end position throughout the pre-season. But if you can add an impact guy with first-round talent to the mix, holy crap, all of a sudden the Redskins have a dominant pass-rush. It's been a long time since that's been the case here in Washington.

2. I will have no fingernails left by the start of the regular season if Laron Landry doesn't get healthy and play in a few pre-season games. I'm not totally convinced Landry is the best player on Washington's defense, but he's right up there at the top. So much of what the Redskins did last season was based on the ability to leave one super-athletic safety over the top to play center field. First it was Sean Taylor, now it's Laron Landry. For a while there, Taylor was the only guy in the NFL with enough ability to make it work, and now that distinction goes to Landry. If he's not healthy, suddenly you've got rookie Chris Horton or the underwhelming Vernon Fox holding it down, and that's not really the same thing, now is it? I'm sick of the hamstring injuries. There needs to be a doctor somewhere who has mastered the art of fixing hamstrings, and we need that person in Washington immediately.

3. I'm pretty sure if Rocky McIntosh can play this entire season healthy, he'll play at a Pro-Bowl level. Ol' Rocky has been a bit under the radar in his two seasons in the NFL, but this guy is a superb athlete and is pretty much always around the ball. He's a playmaker. One reason I'm not sure Laron Landry is the best player on the defense: Rocky McIntosh.

4. I'm feeling pretty good about rookie Fred Davis. Playing in parts of three pre-season games as the second tight end, Davis has 6 catches for 45 yards. Apparently he's getting extra work in with Rennie Simmons in practice. If the Redskins can put an offense out there with two difference-makers at tight end, that could do a lot to sort of hide what has turned out to be a very underwhelming receiving corps. Look, I like Santana Moss and Antwan Randle-El, but it turns out neither of those guys is really a number one receiver and probably only one of them would be worth a damn as even a number two guy. You can't quite quantify Randle-El's contributions to the team because he's an energy guy with a great attitude, he's a big-time special teams player, and he has a way of showing up in big moments. Moss has great speed and can be really, really dangerous, but we're past the point of being able to pretend this guy can produce like a number one guy. He's not Steve Smith. He's got the athleticism, but something is missing. It would be great if Fred Davis turned into another reliable option, and a relatively explosive one at that, to lessen the need for either Randle-El or Moss to show up and put up big numbers every week.

And now, just a quick little meditation on expansion teams:

It occurred to me, as I was thinking about the NFL this morning, that Lane Kiffin is essentially running the Raiders like an expansion team. Or rather, he's running them the way an expansion team should be run. There are only a few things you can count on in the NFL these days: 1. teams that run the ball a lot give themselves a chance to win football games; 2. guys with NFL-level talent can and will churn out more than 1,000 yards on the ground whenever they can complete a full season; 3. it's almost always better to sit a rookie quarterback (especially a really high pick) behind a journeyman veteran quarterback. Long term, a year or two of studying from the sidelines and learning from a veteran, even one who is struggling, is a better way to handle the investment than just chucking them out there in the fire and taking a chance on their confidence. Now I'm thinking if I were putting together an expansion team, I'd want to build it in the following way:

1. A young head coach, probably a brand-new head coach, preferrably someone who'd been a coordinator and had previously coached either an offensive line or a secondary. Offensive lines and secondaries rely more on communication and trust in their teammates than other units on a football team, and coaches who have been in charge of successful units probably understand concepts like team-building and chemistry pretty well. My head coach is guaranteed that, no matter what happens on the field, he will have a job as head coach of my football team for 4 years.
2. An offensive coordinator who likes running the football and teaching the game. We're going to be running the ball a lot, and our young guys are going to need a skilled, patient teacher. My offensive coordinator isn't going anywhere for at least the term of the head-coach. Teams, and especially young players, need time to grow into an offensive system, and changing schemes year after year can really damage a player's growth.
3. A proven defensive coordinator who isn't tied to a single defensive system. I don't want to waste 3 years getting the right personnel for his packages. I want a guy who can come in, see what we've got, and draw up a system that will put the players we have in position to make plays. This is non-negotiable. And I want his staff to be big and seasoned.
4. A tough old journeyman quarterback who doesn't mind getting knocked around. Give me somebody like Jeff Garcia or Jon Kitna or Kurt Warner, a guy who wants a little stability for a few years at the end of his career and a chance to be a starter. I'll promise him 3 years as my starter unless he's injured or just the worst piece of broken down shit at his position in the league. Behind him, I'm drafting the future, but not in the first round. A) First round quarterbacks chew up too much of your salary cap; and B) the fan-base gets too excited about them. Give me a second or third round guy, a sharp kid with enough ability who can stand around holding a clipboard for a few years. I don't need the golden child. Barring a series of huge injuries or consistent lights-out performances in camp and practice, this kid won't touch the field for at least his first two seasons, and won't be the regular starter until at least his fourth year in the league.
5. I'm drafting my franchise tailback right away, and he's going to get a lot of work. I'm also using the expansion draft to bring in a stable of serviceable backs for depth. I'm going to have the Raiders backfield. Since I have the first pick in the draft (as an expansion team), I'm either taking the blue-chip, Adrian Peterson-type back, or I'm trading down for multiple picks and getting him in the top 10. You can build a successful team around just a running game. Look at the 2007 Minnesota Vikings.
6. I'm using every other high pick in the rookie draft on offensive and defensive linemen, and I'm grabbing every lineman worth a damn in the expansion draft. That's a no-brainer.
7. I need one Jonathan Vilma. You give me a Jonathan Vilma, and I'll give you a competitive defense. He's in the draft somewhere. I'll settle for a Rocky McIntosh, but I want a Vilma.
8. To hell with corners. They take forever to develop and so much of their success is based on the success of the pass-rush. I'll take scraps for now. But the safeties are important. I need athletes back there, so I'm using those draft picks to find at least one big-time athlete.
9. I want only veteran receivers unless I can find a Calvin Johnson. Since my top picks are spoken for, that'll have to wait. Give me veterans. And at least 3 tight ends who can catch passes and run good routes.

Here's the deal: you've got one off-season to get ready to play a full season, and that's trouble. Winning isn't crucial that first season, but you do want to field a respectable team. That means running the ball an absurd amount of the time, from a lot of different looks and packages, and throwing only when you feel like the other team expects you to run. With a veteran quarterback running the show and veteran receivers, you should be able to make good on just enough pass attempts to get the occasional first down and the occasional touchdown.

Basically, that's kinda what Lane Kiffin has done in Oakland. He's put all his offensive energy into the running game, which also helps the offensive line. He sat his future QB as long as his crazy-ass owner would let him. Instead of trying to do anything fancy or take chances with shoddy play from his signal caller, he set his team up to just stay in games and give themselves a chance to win. Now, a season later, he's got a deep backfield, a tough, no-frills defense, and a young quarterback who hasn't had his confidence ruined by a season of having his ass kicked while he tries to learn his position.

Go Raiders!

Also, Go Skynards.

More Fyutbull

Some other NFL things I'm thinking about:

1. Anquan Boldin . . . shut the hell up! Honestly, I don't get it. I really don't. In 2005, this guy signed a 6 year contract. Now he wants a new deal, and is willing to publicly shit all over the Cardinals in order to get one. I don't get it. Why sign a 6 year deal if you don't intend to honor it? YOU SIGNED THE CONTRACT, DIPSHIT. Nobody put a gun to his head. Seriously, this guy gets a lot of credit for his professionalism and work ethic, but that's measured within the bizarro world that is professional sports. In the real world, when you agree to do something for a certain amount of time for a certain amount of money and then don't even get half way through the job before you start complaining about the circumstances, you're an asshole. I refuse to measure people by a standard other than the real world. Anquan Boldin is an asshole. Do your job, dickhead. You're making millions of dollars, more money than you'll ever need. Quit complaining.

Also, Anquan Boldin has only played a full season twice in his five seasons in the NFL.

2. Who is butchering the offensive line in St. Louis? What the hell do they have going on down there? They've had two offensive linemen go down with season-ending injuries a year after basically losing everyone on their offensive line to injury in a disaster of a season. Are these guys made of glass, or are they a victim of poor conditioning, or is this just a run of terrible luck? At any rate, Scott Linehan is probably hiding a case of Depends in his office at this point. I mean, his job in St. Louis and probably his career as a head coach are on the line (literally!), and those guys just can't hold up. No good. Especially when your star tailback and best overall player is holding out. Yikes.

3. I'm not sold on the Pats defense. Not at all. They looked putrid against the Bucs "first team", with Brian Griese at quarterback. Griese completed 8 of 8 passes and had his offense on the field for over 9 minutes in their opening drive. It's a slow unit with very few playmakers, and if they can't get off the field, the pressure will be on New England's offense to match their incredible output from 2007. One wonders if the offense will be up to the task without a binder full of the opposition's defensive signals. ZAAAMMM!!

PreSeason Thoughts

Some notes from the middle of the pre-season:

1. If you're a member of the Ravens coaching staff, you're getting ready for a really long season. Not only is their offense straight-up crap, but their first team defense just got completely worked by the Vikings with Tarvaris Jackson under center and negligible contributions from the running game. The Ravens without a powerful defense are maybe the worst team in the NFL.

2. Tony Romo and the Cowboys look like steamed garbage so far this pre-season. Their defense got shredded by the Chargers in the pre-season opener, and then the Broncos first team offense went completely nuts on them in week 2. Seriously, they made Jay Cutler look like a Pro-Bowl player. As for Romo, in his two outings he's completed 9 of 12 passes for *gulp* 66 yards. Folks, that's 5.5 yards per attempt and about 7.3 yards per completion. I hate the Cowboys and Tony Romo is the most over-rated player in the NFL, so I'd like to thank them for giving me fodder to turn around and cram down their gullets. Mark my words, the Cowboys are in for another disappointing season.

3. Get ready for a huge, huge disappointment in Jacksonville. David Garrard has looked lousy this pre-season, they still don't have a receiving corps, and suddenly they're not running the ball real well. Factor in the fact that nobody knows how this defense will play without Marcus Stroud in the middle, and suddenly, you've got a shaky team playing in the toughest division in football with virtually no room for error. Yikes.

4. Hey, how about that Tarvaris Jackson? 15 of 22 passing for 200 yards and 2 scores in 2 pre-season games. If this guy plays anything like this in the regular season, forget about the NFC North. The Vikings are strong enough already, without Jackson completing 70% of his passes for over 8 yards an attempt. The Packers even with Brett Favre couldn't compete with that.

5. Marc Bulger. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 6 years, $65 million. Wow. Hey, the next time an NFL franchise wants to flush almost $11 million a year down the toilet, can I maybe get in on that? Numbers through 2 pre-season games: 10 of 23 passing for 85 yards, 3 interceptions and a sack. Granted, things should get a lot easier once Stephen Jackson decides to show up, but damn, this guy is the fourth highest paid quarterback in the NFL.

6. San Diego's defense isn't nearly as good as the hype. Brian Leonard and Antonio Pittman gashed them for 90 yards on 10 carries in the first quarter on Saturday. To reiterate, Brian Leonard (of the St. Louis Rams) and Antonio Pittman (also of the St. Louis Rams) racked up 9 yards a carry against a San Diego defense that last season made the record-books on the wrong end of the NFL's all-time greatest single game rushing total by an individual. I'm sorry, you can't be crummy against the run and still be considered a good defense at all. Brian Leonard and Antonio Pittman are lousy also-rans. The Rams had already pitched a couple of interceptions. No excuse for that.

7. Lane Kiffin is a genius. The Raiders have Darren McFadden, Justin Fargas, and Michael Bush in the backfield. At quarterback, they have JaMarcus Russell. I like Russell, and I hope he has a wonderful career. Through 2 pre-season games, the Raiders have run the ball 78 times and only thrown 48 passes. Last season, the Raiders ran the ball 508 times to only 451 pass attempts. If the defense is stout and Kiffin sticks to his guns on the ground game, the Raiders could very well win the AFC West. That's right, I said it.

8. The 49ers really are going to go into the regular season with J.T. O'Sullivan at quarterback. And you know what? That alone would be enough for me to fire Mike Nolan, Mike Martz, whoever the GM is, and whoever is coaching the quarterbacks. Starting the regular season with O'Sullivan at quarterback is . . . well . . . at least two things for sure: 1. an admission by Mike Nolan that he's coaching to keep his job and not for the future of the franchise, and that those two things are mutually exclusive, and that this team can't be a serious contender, and that he thinks he can keep his job by fielding a middling team that knows it can't be a serious contender; and 2. a death blow to Alex Smith's career, which means the 49ers are prepared to get absolutely nothing for their number 1 overall pick, a guy Mike Nolan hand-selected and the first number one overall selection by the 49ers since 1964. At this point, you can almost blame Mike Nolan for tossing the entire 49ers franchise under a bus to save his job for another season.

I could probably come up with some more crap to ramble on about. That's a list of some crap that occurred to me while watching game-casts of this Saturday's pre-season action.

Go Skynards!