A Nod to Halloween and NFL Rankings

Happy muhfuckin' Halloween, y'all!

Last night, I was part of a party of four that drove 3 hours from D.C. to Philadelphia in rush hour traffic to have our pants scared off at Terror Behind the Walls at Eastern State Penitentiary. You know this place: it's been on the Travel Channel, on Rachel Ray, on the Discovery Channel, and on MTV's old late-nite show Fear. Basically, it's a massive 175 year-old prison smack dab in the middle of Philadelphia, only a few blocks from downtown. For a few weeks every year before Halloween, they convert this historic site into the country's most popular Halloween attraction, a giant haunted house type deal with tons of actors, fancy special effects, and what seemed like all the artificial fog in the whole universe.

Markoff's Haunted Forest, in Dickerson, MD, will be our standard bearer here, our measuring stick for the greatness of Terror Behind the Walls. Markoff's is the shit, plain and simple. The expectation, though, was that TBtW would probably kick the living shit out Markoff's. Markoff's is small-ish and tucked into the woods of western Maryland. TBtW is massive, incredibly popular, gets tons of attention and press, and sits smack dab in the middle of a major metropolitan.

Setting: First, the setting couldn't be much better for TBtW. This friggin' prison is intimidating as shit all on its own. It's absolutely huge, and it looks like a goddamn castle. It was built in the early 1800s, it has huge stone walls and parapets, it's dark, dank, creepy, it echoes, and it has some seriously spooky hallways. It was built in the hub-and-spoke style, with a big central room containing guards and so forth, and then each hallway of cells extends off that hub like spokes, such that a guard standing in the middle can rotate in place and look down each cell block. The whole deal is surrounded by a massive stone wall. It's friggin' scary.
Markoff's is in the woods. Big whoop. Still, it's a long drive or a quiet ferry ride through the middle of bum-fuck nowhere to get there, and then once you get there, it's the only thing there. There's a giant old Pepsi factory sort of looming off in the distance, and it does kind of feel like you're going far from civilization to creep down a little path in the dark-ass woods, emerging in a little cleared out compound with bonfires and shit. It's atmospheric. It's spooky. It's fun. It does the job. Edge: TBtW

Getting There: TBtW is literally 3 minutes down Broad Street from central downtown Philadelphia. You have to pay $10 to park in a lot a few blocks away and wait in a long, long line to ride a crowded trolly to the actual site. Those would be negatives. Still, it's in the middle of a big city. Talk about convenience.
Markoff's is, well, in the middle of nowhere. Where that is undoubtedly a major benefit in some respects, it's a huge, huge pain in the ass in the whole "getting there" department. If you elect to go the long way, you're really putting a lot of faith in your navigator, because there are no landmarks and no signs, and even though you pass through a few tiny little villages, by the time you're headed out there, those things are all shut down for the night. It's a fun, spooky drive if you're up for it, know the way, and have an hour to burn. Your other option is the ferry, which is a crap shoot at best. If you get there and can drive right onto the ferry, you're talking about a 30 minute total drive time from my house. Then there's also the possibility that you wait in line for the ferry for 90 minutes, which turns your total travel time into something more like 2 hours. Seriously, you could miss the Haunted Forest altogether just by waiting at the ferry too long.
Objectively, TBtW has a significant advantage in terms of location. On the other hand, I'm the one writing this review, so for me, we're talking about measuring a maximum travel time of 2 hours if I'm ever stupid enough to wait that long for the ferry again, versus a minimum of 3 hours to get to Eastern State Penitentiary. Plus, TBtW is a night-time thing, so I have to leave during rush hour and drive through 2.5 metropolitan regions (D.C., Baltimore, Wilmingon).
Edge: Markoff's

Getting In: TBtW is friggin' popular, yo. The line for the goddamn trolley is like 35 minutes long. Then you get to the actual prison and there's a huge, huge line to get in. You have to buy your tickets in advance, and you buy them for a 30 minute time slot. If you show up on time for your time slot, you will wait at least another hour in line. If you show up early, add as many minutes as you are early to that hour. If you show up late, you get in at the end of the line that is entering at that exact moment, which means you could be in in maybe 15 or 20 minutes. So never show up on time. Then, just the process of getting through the long admissions process is another 25 minutes, then there's a massive, incredibly long line into the actual start of the walk. All told, after parking your car, you're talking about a minimum of another 75-90 minutes of standing in an incredibly long line that feeds you directly into the start of the attraction. It's a bear. It can spoil your Halloween spirit, fo'real.
Markoff's is popular as balls, too, but you park right in front of the bitch in a big ass field. There's a line for admission, and on a super-big night, you're talking about 30 minutes of standing in line. Thing is, once you get to the front, you get a numbered ticket instead of just marching straight into the attraction. That numbered ticket will be called over a PA system when it's your turn. Meantime, there's a whole slew of side attractions you can enjoy, there's food and movies and hot cocoa and bonfires and music. It's like a festival out there, and it's fun as hell. I'm not kidding, here: I've heard my number called for the Forest before and been downright sad about leaving the "compound" behind. To be honest, this is so not a contest at all.
Edge: Markoff's

Spook Factor: TBtW is spooky, spookier 'n a mother. First of all, the building is intimidating. Second of all, it's very tight and dark in there. If you were walking around in there without ghouls jumping out at you, you'd still be quite scared. The ambiance is right on, with fog and scary, intense music throughout. With the exception of the first maybe 15% of the walk-through, the decoration of the space is impressive, lots of paint, lots of lighting, lots of eerie skulls and blood and shit like that. Towards the end, they really ratchet up the scenery, and it works. Very, very spooky, even without the ghouls.
Markoff's is spooky, in no small part because you're walking through the woods. The woods are lit almost exclusively by little candles in little tin pails hung up in trees along the path. It's easy to feel lost, it's incredibly dark, and it's sometimes very difficult to see the scares coming. The scenes themselves are spooky and well-prepared. Towards the end, the spook factor might decline just slightly and veer in another direction altogether, but it's packed with spooks.
Edge: TBtW

Pace: TBtW has a major problem in this department. First of all, they have nothing set up to deal with the huge masses, and no way to divert people for even a few seconds except the bathrooms, so there's nothing left for it but to dump everyone into the actual attraction in one near-constant stream. That means your jammed chest to back with strangers throughout, which not only can make people self-conscious, but diminishes the actual scares themselves by giving you a preview of every corner ahead of you. Whenever somebody really freaks out up there, the whole line has to stop and stand still for a few seconds which really sucks. We actually had time to maintain a side conversation, which is in no way a knock on the actual scares themselves, which were the shit. Second of all, they've broken the attraction into four or more parts, and each part has a little checkpoint/admissions staging area, which is another roadblock. All in all, it's a very choppy, very crowded experience, and the pace is way, way off.
Markoff's has the whole compound area to enjoy, they call folks up in groups of maybe 15, then those groups are split up into families, couples, whatever, then they hold you for a moment, then they send you on one of two different paths through the forest. In short, it's possible, under ideal circumstances, to walk very slowly through the Haunted Forest, totally at your own pace, and literally never come withing 15 feet of the folks in front or behind, which is essentially like walking through the forest alone with the ghouls.
Edge: Markoff's

Sheer Terror: TBtW has some seriously scary shit in there, but literally none of it is in the beginning. The pacing is never more off, the scenery is never more boring, and the scares are never more tame than the first 8-10 minutes of this puppy. Then you go into a cell block for about 4 minutes of extremely intense shocks and terror. Really scary, very fast-paced. Then there's another scary, very well-done, highly stylized but significantly less intense 4 or 5 minute stretch, followed by a flat-out jaw dropping 3-D type deal that pretty much knocked my socks off. It wasn't especially terrifying, but it was effing terrific. The last part, the finale, is over the top outstanding and I won't spoil it for you, but let's just say if there's some way to use a giant, ancient, abandoned building in the middle of the night so as to maximize a person's stress and fear, they nailed it. It's still too crowded, but that was about the most stressful, tense 5 minutes of Halloween fun I've ever had. Great, great finish.
Markoff's starts with a bang. There's no bullshit in those woods. You walk through the giant skull doorway and you're in with a rude introduction. There are zero, zero non-terrifying scares in the Haunted Forest. Maybe they could use a few scares more on the eerie, spooky side, but I'd go ahead and say maybe the top 15 most gleefully terrified moments in my life took place in there. As you go along, basically you've got 2 minutes of dark, silent woods to creep through between each scene in which to collect yourself. That's about as docile as it gets. The scenes themselves almost always have 2 or 3 ghouls pouncing on you from different directions, sometimes in very clever disguises. Some of these can be very quick and sharp, others can be prolonged and flat-out over-the-top bizarre and terrifying. The Clown Room, for instance. Nothing else needs to be said about that. And let's just go ahead and say Markoff's closes with 8 minutes of the most intense, ridiculously packed and stressful sensory assault possible. It may not have the subtlety of TBtW's final act, but it packs just an absurd amount of terror and tension into a relatively short space. It's the champ.
Edge: Markoff's

Overall: TBtW is really incredibly impressive, the kind of thing you have to see to believe. I probably can't describe the strength of the impression this thing makes on you just to see it from the outside, dressed up in Halloween lighting with scary music and screams coming from within. All that good cheer and excitement is almost totally ruined, however, by having to wait in one long, long, incredibly long line with almost nothing to divert your attention from the equally bored people around you. Simply put, they've got to solve that. Then, the start is just a continuation of that same experience, only with louder music and some guys jumping out at you. Normally, I'm all for a slow start, but when you've been standing in line for a year having the spirit ripped out of you, you need a jolt to grab you and jam you back into the mode, and it ain't here. The proximity to other guests, the choppy pace, and the effect those things have on the scares themselves turn what probably ought to be the most intimidating, terrifying Halloween experience possible into a relatively tame overall experience. Add to that the fact that it really is just the Terror Behind the Walls experience, with no other attractions and pretty much nothing at all to do before or after the walk, and I have to say, it was more than a little disappointing.
Markoff's has an overwhelming edge in the overall experience of being there and participating. Honestly, I might consider going to Markoff's even without doing the Forest itself. The Haunted Bus, the Haunted Hayride, the consessions, the bonfires, the Bat Flight, the Spider Crawl, the Fortune Teller, the Ghost Hunt, the Death Leap, the old spooky Vincent Price movies projected on a screen, the ghouls walking around in the crowd, all add up to a general spirit of celebration. The Forest itself is better paced and makes better use of what's available to just scare the shit out of you. You walk out of it totally fulfilled and almost ready to fork over another $25 bucks for another walk-through on the other path. I wasn't so surprised to find that, ultimately, one extremely popular Halloween attraction is superior to another, nor was I so surprised that Markoff's came out on top. I was pretty well shocked to find that, really, it's not even close. Markoff's just owns Terror Behind the Walls. If Markoff's were in Philly and TBtW were in Maryland, I'd still prefer Markoff's. TBtW is very, very scary, and I'd not only recommend it, I'd urge you to take the trip some time and I will certainly go back. But there's no way in hell it's up there with the Haunted Forest, the champ of Halloween attractions.

Now, without further ado, NFL Rankings for Week 8, with a "How to Spend Halloween" theme.

Markoff's Haunted Forest, Dickerson Maryland

1. Tennessee Titans
Maybe not perfect, but until somebody else jumps up and takes 'em down, they're the champ.

2. New York Giants
Time-tested, tough, consistently dominant, and as balanced as it gets.

Markoff's Haunted Bus & Haunted Hayride

3. Washington Redskins
Solid, always seem to do the job, but not in the same league as the champs.

4. Carolina Panthers
Doing about as well as you could hope, but still flawed and not ready to be a real contender.

Terror Behind the Walls, Philadelphia, Pennsylvaina

5. New England Patriots
Critically flawed and surprisingly far back from the contenders.

6. Buffalo Bills
The pieces are there, but you're right to wonder whether they look a lot better than they are.

7. Pittsburgh Steelers
Capable of greatness, but something is lacking in the planning and execution here.

A Fully Decorated Townhouse at 11001 Barton Hill Court

8. Chicago Bears
You could do a lot worse. Maybe the mention of them doesn't scare you, but then you get there and, hey, you could do a lot worse.

9. Philadelphia Eagles
Mor fun than scary, unless you're over-matched.

A Bowl of Pretzels, A Brewsky, and The Evil Dead on DVD Halloween Night

10. Green Bay Packers
Sufficiently adequate to do the job most of the time, but decidedly not special.

11. Arizona Cardinals
Will suffice if you're stuck at home, not worth a damn if you're on the road.

Flat Coke and The Simpsons Halloween Specials Compilation DVD

12. Atlanta Falcons
There's something to like there, but this ain't enough to be taken seriously.

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
A sorry, sad pretend version of the real thing, something to be ashamed of.

14. Baltimore Ravens
If the glass is half full, hey, at least there's some entertainment value.

A Child's Cowboy Costume Without the Pants, Crying and Stumbling Through Georgetown

15. Houston Texans
Scary? Sure! Pathetic and sad, but pretty damned scary, too!

16. New Orleans Saints
Looked good a few weeks ago, right? Rethinking that idea now, aren't you?

An Expensive, Intricately Prepared Costume of The World's Largest Particle Collider

17. Denver Broncos
Ambitious, potentially interesting, but ultimately busted and only scary if you're uninformed.

Old Willie's Haunted Chevron Station on the Interstate

18. New York Jets
You're a fucking moron if you get sucked into being afraid of this garbage.

Dressing Up the Mini-Pinscher in a Batman Costume

19. Miami Dolphins
Either cute or pathetic, depending on who you ask.

20. Jacksonville Jaguars
Only scary if furious and you happen to be a piece of crap.

Opening Up 2-Month Old Collection Notices

21. Indianapolis Colts
More sad and frustrating than anything else.

22. Cleveland Browns
Probably in too deep a hole to dig out, which actually is a little scary, I guess.

Pulling Out the Box of Halloween Decorations at 9pm, Weeping Quietly Into Your Hands

23. San Diego Chargers
Sure, the pieces are there, but what good is that?

24. Minnesota Vikings
It's so easy to see where everything went wrong, but now it's way too late to do anything about it.

25. Dallas Cowboys
Look, let's stop pretending anything can be done with this mess, okay? If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now.

Running Through the Neighborhood in All Black Smashing Other People's Pumpkins to Smithereens

26. St. Louis Rams
Can't do anything for your own cause, but it's never too late to fuck up everyone else's good time.

27. Seattle Seahawks
It's not for lack of effort, that much is sure.

Shopping for Cheap Christmas Gifts at the Mall

28. Kansas City Chiefs
Getting an early start on next season, are we? Not even pretending to give a shit about this one anymore.

29. San Francisco 49ers
It couldn't be more obvious that the person in charge here is positioning to take advantage of the next opportunity, and it's embarrassing.

Celebrating Christmas by Sitting on "Santa's" Lap at the Mall, Only He's Not Santa, or Even Pretending to Be Santa, and You're Under Arrest

30. Oakland Raiders
This is one fucked up, dysfunctional situation we've got here.

Plummeting Downwards at Terminal Velocity in a Fire-Engulfed Chevy Nova

31. Detroit Lions
A disaster, soon to blow up into a million pieces.

Stumbling Out Into the Road Nude with a Carved Jack-O-Lantern Crammed on Your Head, Passing Out in the Path of a Steam-Roller, Never Waking Up

32. Cincinnati Bengals
Not entirely sure how it got so bad, not entirely sure how long it'll go on, only knowing it'll be ugly, painful, and gruesome, and it'll leave everyone with a sick feeling in their stomach that'll likely never go away.

Happy Halloween, muhfuckaz. Go Skynards!

Football and Week 9 Picks

Before I get to the picks, I just want to say a thing or two about week 8 and the NFL season so far: first, I think this has been an excellent NFL season. Lots of parity, lots of exciting games, a handful of very competitive divisions, and no juggernauts. I'm thoroughly enjoying this season.

Second, and I thought of this because I heard Jim Kelly on Mike and Mike this morning talking about how, in his day, there were at least a dozen high-quality, consistent quarterbacks around the league, and whenever he finds himself getting nostalgic about those days, he realizes it's for this reason: quarterbacking in the NFL ain't what it used to be. Any year for the past, ummm, seven NFL seasons, I would have been in complete agreement, but this season, I don't buy it. Here's a list of guys who, as of today, could play quarterback for my flag football team any day:

Jason Campbell
Tony Romo
Eli Manning
Donovan McNabb
Aaron Rodgers
Kyle Orton
Jeff Garcia
Jake Delhomme
Drew Brees
Matt Ryan
Kurt Warner
Tom Brady
Trent Edwards
Ben Roethlisberger
Peyton Manning
Matt Schaub
David Garrard
Jay Cutler

And . . . I'd probably take Chad Pennington, Brett Favre, Marc Bulger, Kerry Collins, and a few other guys, too. My point is, there are at least 22 starting quarterbacks in the NFL who are not only worth a damn, but are actually valuable, productive centerpiece type guys on somewhat successful teams. We can no longer lament the poor quality of quarterbacking around the NFL. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, Kansas City and Detroit are the only teams in the NFL that don't have a worth-a-damn (yet) quarterback on their roster. That's something, actually. And what's more, teams like Tennessee, Cleveland, and Arizona might actually have a few worth-a-damn quarterbacks on their roster. I like that, that makes me optimistic about the next few years of NFL football.

Now, without further ado, let's dig right into a pretty damn good week of meaningful matchups.

New York Jets @ Buffalo
The Line: Buffalo by 5.5
This is a good game. Division rivals, both with playoff hopes, in a game that could re-shuffle the deck in what has been a surprisingly feisty AFC East. And . . . well, if you buy the name "New York" Jets, these teams are intrastate rivals.

At first glance, I want to say Buffalo needs this win more, but do they? A second straight division loss, especially a home game, would be a blow, but they still have 4 division games after this one, and a loss here wouldn't necessarily even drop them out of first in the division, depending on how the rest of the weekend shakes out. The Jets, on the other hand, are 1-1 in the division, and a loss here could potentially drop them into last place. They haven't looked especially good in two weeks, and their offense seems to have regressed significantly. This is what passes for "a difficult stretch" on New York's schedule: after this they host St. Louis, then travel to New England, then to Tennessee, then host Denver. Keeping in mind that the Rams play in the horrid NFC West, that makes this game one of a 5-game stretch of playoff-minded teams.

Buffalo wins this game if they remain stingy with the ball on offense and force Brett Favre to throw underneath. He's bound to self-destruct, he's been doing it for three weeks. Buffalo's defense is good at forcing turnovers and they should get a special teams boost, they're due. Also, because they're at home, I like 'em. It'd be a big disappointment for them to give this one away.
Bills over Jets, 24-20

Detroit @ Chicago
The Line: Chicago by 13
This game is impossible to call, and I'll tell you why: because it pits two NFC North teams against, umm, eachother. Of all divisions in football, the NFC North is the one where intra-divisional contests are totally, totally unpredictable. Just look at Chicago and Minnesota's 89-point barn-burner two weeks ago. Who can predict this shit?

It's entirely possible either team runs away with this. Even Detroit. You never know. I suppose the most likely scenario involves Chicago putting a ton of pressure on Dan Orlovsky, keeping Detroit's offense entirely under wraps with the exception of one huge Calvin Johnson play, and coming away with an easy win. It'll probably go something like that. But I'm telling you now, this one could be a 100-point explosion that comes down to a late safety, or it could be 9-6.

Obviously, I'm taking the Bears.
Bears over Lions, 28-10

Jacksonville @ Cincinnati
The Line: Jacksonville by 7.5
By my count, there are nine interesting games this weekend: Jets/Bills, Ravens/Browns, Texans/Vikings, Cardinals/Rams, Packers/Titans, Dolphins/Broncos, Cowboys/Giants, Patriots/Colts, and Steelers/Redskins. That leaves this Jaguars/Bengals game in the "decidedly not interesting" category. Jacksonville needs this game to get their playoff hopes back on track. Cincy, at this point, isn't so much worried about ever getting a win as they are just getting 2008 over with so they can all go their separate ways. It'll be blacked out in Cincinnati. Nobody in Cincinnati cares, why should I?
Jaguars over Bengals, 20-14

Baltimore @ Cleveland
The Line: Cleveland by 1.5
Aesthetically, this will probably be a dog. From a silver-lining, glass-is-half-full sort of perspective, this game has both meaning and history, and so therefore is an interesting game worth paying attention to.

The Ravens have played poorly in exactly one game this season, their blowout loss to the Colts. Other than that, they've been pretty damn excellent on one side of the ball and pretty close to serviceable on the other. Flip that around, and lets pretend they've been playing A+ offense and C- defense for 8 weeks; not only would we all be paying a lot more attention to them, we'd consider them a legit playoff contender and we'd be all over John Harbaugh's ass. Nobody gives a shit about defense, what a shame. Baltimore's defense, folks, is something else. To be honest, I'm not too thrilled the Redskins have to play them this regular season.

Just because good defense slows the pace of a game down and doesn't feature as many marquee players doesn't mean it can't be astonishing to watch. Yes, this game will likely be played for the most part between the 30s. Yes, it will feature a lot of very short runs and a lot of deflected incomplete passes. Yes, it's likely both quarterbacks will look bad. Doesn't it mean something that it won't be as much a result of either offense being especially incompetent and more because these are division rivals with two defensive-minded head coaches, playing in cold-weather? I'm going to choose to go ahead and be excited about an old-fashioned battle for field position, and I'm going to choose to be appreciative of the work of Baltimore's defense as they beat-up and tear-apart Cleveland's shit.
Ravens over Browns, 16-13

Tampa Bay @ Kansas City
The Line: Tampa Bay by 8.5
Last week, Tyler Thigpen had a pretty solid day for Kansas City, completing 25 of 36 pass attempts for 280 yards and 2 scores against a fairly mediocre Jets defense. This week, the Chiefs face an outstanding, incredibly frustrating Tampa defense that ought to be pretty damn ticked off about losing to the Brad Johnson-led Cowboys in what could have been a big-time statement game. How do I predict Herm Edwards will address this?

He's going to have Tyler Thigpen drop back at least 40 times in this game, and Tyler Thigpen is going to have a nightmarishly bad day. After the game, a nauseating demolition, Herm Edwards is going to talk about not understanding how a guy can go out one game and look so sharp and precise and then crap the bed the next game, about how it's important to perform consistently, about taking that "next step" as a player and developing into a consistent quarterback. He's going to look frustrated and say something about taking a step forward and then taking two steps back. Write this shit down, because you know it's coming.

Nothing against Tyler Thigpen or any players on Kansas City, but I hope they get fucking nuked on Sunday.
Bucs over Chiefs, 31-3

Houston @ Minnesota
The Line: Minnesota by 4.5
To me, this looks like a very interesting football game. Houston matches up extremely well against Minnesota's defense. The only question, I suppose, is how they'll fare at stopping or slowing down Minnesota's running game.

If you're Gary Kubiak, you probably want to get out to an early lead through the air, knowing the extreme likelihood that Brad Childress will panic and abandon the run. If there are any must-win games left on Minnesota's schedule, this could be the last one. If they lose here, stick a fork in 'em. I have a hunch they're already done, but a home win against a super-hot Houston team would likely have the effect of deceiving everyone into thinking they're still in the hunt for the post-season.

Houston, on the other hand, can make something of a statement if they go on the road and notch another win in Minnesota. Anytime you win four straight folks are going to sit up and take notice, but they haven't exactly been giant-killers to this point: all three of their wins have come against teams below .500, and two of those wins came against teams that are a combined 0-fer. Not that the Vikings are a .500 team or especially good, but in Minnesota they're friggin' Goliath compared to the roadkill Houston has had to deal with the last few weeks.

To be honest, I'm kinda leaning towards the Texans here. In case you were waiting for it, here's the big "unless": Adrian Peterson could go nuts on Houston's defense, and that would change everything. I suppose we'll learn quite a bit about Houston by how they perform in week 9. They've lost some close ones and beat up on some garbage, and now there are folks like me that like them as a dark-horse wild-card contender. That might turn out to be absurd, and we'll have a better idea one way or another after this game, which should be a good test for them.
Texans over Vikings, 31-27

Before I go any further, I have to point out that I've now picked four straight road teams, including two who are not favored. Not a good start, here.

Arizona @ St. Louis
The Line: Arizona by 3
And hell if it isn't another tempting road team, for Christ's sake.

Don't look past this game: this game has actual, honest-to-goodness playoff implications. I'm not kidding when I say not only do I think St. Louis could win this game, but I think if they do win it, suddenly their season isn't a joke anymore. They don't have a single team left on their schedule that they ought to be especially worried about. The toughest test they'll get before week 17 will be from the Bears, and they have 'em at home. It's not at all out of the question that the Rams could string some wins together here. Now, having said that, in order to have a legit chance at making some noise in their division, I'd say they need to win at least 5 of their remaining 9 games, including 4 of 5 division games. 8-8 would be a brilliant, brilliant season for them, and it's not beyond hope they could squeeze out a division title that way.

God, am I getting way ahead of myself or what?

As for Arizona, seriously, these friggin' guys are 1-3 on the road. The good news is that one road win came in the division, at San Francisco. Ultimately, with the way these guys play at home, the only road wins that'll matter will be the ones they can pick up in the NFC West. That makes this a very important game for them, and gives them an opportunity to put some momentum together and a little distance between them and the second place team in the division. For crying out loud, Arizona ought to win this game.

You know, I'm having a very, very hard time leaning that way. I'm not happy about picking another road team, especially a 1-3 road team. Damn. Hold on, hold on . . . last season the Cards went 2-0 against the Rams and averaged 41 points a game. Granted, "Zombie" Scott Linehan was still running the show in St. Louis, but I think it'd be fair to say the Cardinals feel comfortable taking on that Rams defense. Shoot. Aaaahhhhhhhh.

FUCK!

Cards win!
Cardinals over Rams, 34-21

Green Bay @ Tennessee
The Line: Tennessee by 5.5
That's a pretty respectful line for Green Bay, on the road against the 7-0 Titans, innit?

I'm giving Green Bay a chance here, and here's why: they're 2-1 on the road, 1-0 versus the AFC, and on a 2-game winning streak. Mike McCarthy is a pretty smart coach, Aaron Rodgers is almost a Pro-Bowl level quarterback, and to be honest, I do think the Packers are the best team the Titans have faced this season. Home field will be a big advantage for the Titans, especially as their fans get all frothy and insane with pride. Actually, now that I think about it, this should be a hell of a game.

I guess it all comes down to Green Bay's defense. If they can't shut down Tennessee's ground game, they won't have a chance. I trust Charles Woodson and Green Bay's secondary to do enough of a job against Tennessee's fairly anemic passing attack, but all Tennessee needs is a big time of possession edge and a few scores to take another easy win. I'm not especially confident they'll be able to do it. I'm extremely interested to see how Green Bay's passing attack fares against such a dangerous defense, and I'll be interested to see how McCarthy sets this one up.

I don't suppose you can pick against an undefeated team with this kind of defense at home, and I'm not even in the ballpark of going that way, but the thing is, sooner or later the Titans will lose a game, and at a certain point, the fact that they're undefeated will stop working for them in my picks and start working against them. They're good, they're really good, but I don't think they're actually the best team in the NFL and I don't think they're as good as their record. Still, like I said, I can't possibly pick against them at home.
Titans over Packers, 23-21

Miami @ Denver
The Line: Denver by 3
I chucked this one on the interesting pile for the following reasons: 1. Denver is 4-3 and atop their division, such as it is; 2. Miami is 3-4 and hanging around in the AFC East, an actual NFL division with actual NFL-quality football teams; 3. Denver's defense is flat-out terrible, while Miami's offense is at least interesting and unpredictable; 4. Denver plays 100 times better at home than on the road; 5. Miami actually has a pretty damn solid defense with a pretty damn fearsome pass-rush, and it wouldn't be totally unexpected if they gave Jay Cutler a very hard time.

But I won't lie to you, I have no interest in this game and no particular interest in either team. Objectively, there's stuff to like about any game featuring two teams near .500 with offenses worth watching. The Broncos are not to be taken seriously, and as funky, fun, and surprisingly competitive as the Dolphins have been, they still wear those goddamn fruity uniforms and Ronnie Brown is still the only player on the team I can take seriously as an NFL player. I want Miami to win, and I wouldn't be shocked if they do, but I'm taking the home team.
Broncos over Dolphins, 28-27

Dallas @ New York Giants
The Line: New York Giants by 8.5
I'm legitimately disappointed that Tony Romo won't be able to play in this one. Not because he'd make much of a difference, but because the Cowboys have a humiliating ass-whupping coming their way and it'd be so much more enjoyable if Romo were in there on the receiving end.

Look: it's not impossible that Dallas could win this game. Obviously. It's a division game, they've got loads of talent, and it's not like the Giants have exactly been on fire. But New York managed to emerge from their tough week 8 road trip relatively healthy and the fact that they won in Pittsburgh means the New Jersey fans will be all the more grateful, confident, and bloodthirsty for some Cowboy meat. There are some teams who are like that: wins make them play better, losses make them play worse. Some teams lose an out-of-conference road game and they come home so frustrated and bloodthirsty, it doesn't matter who they play next, they're ripping their heads off, sucking out their brains, and shitting down their necks, period. Then there are other teams, who get such confidence and swagger from a win, they can't wait to go out and do it again. Interestingly, I don't think there's a team in the NFL that fits into the former category this season, but there are a lot that fit in the latter. Alls I'm saying is, I wouldn't want to be the Cowboys on Sunday.

And I'm really hoping it's a feeding frenzy. If Dallas loses this game, they'll be 1-2 in the division with another division road game looming, and they'll be crammed at the bottom of the NFC East, several games behind the Redskins and Giants.
Giants over Cowboys, 25-17

Atlanta @ Oakland
The Line: Atlanta by 3
Wait a minute, didn't Atlanta host Oakland already this season?

(Checking . . .)

No, but it's funny, looking at their schedule, this is like part 3 of the Patsy Special the Falcons have enjoyed this season: Detroit at home, Kansas City at home, and now Oakland on the road. That's not to say Atlanta has an easy schedule at all, because they don't, but it's nice to see they get a few grapefruits in there from time to time.

I can't honestly call this a must-win for them, although it'd certainly be discouraging if they lost. At this point, the Falcons are playing with house money. If they can scatter 3 more wins in their remaining schedule, they'll have 7 on the year and that will be a huge, huge, ENORMOUS accomplishment for this franchise. Under no circumstances will that be anything less than a miracle season in Atlanta. And they don't have a whole lot of easy stuff left, so they kinda need this one. Hey, while you're on the goddamn ride, you might as well get into the role-playing, nah-mean? If your record says your in the playoff chase, go with it, man!

I'm not sure they'll win, but I'm sure they've done enough to deserve the 3-point spread, and I'd rather pick them, with their strong running game and solid play from Matt Ryan, over a Raiders team that has scored an NFL-low 9 touchdowns all season. Seriously, 7 games, 9 touchdowns. Atrocious.
Falcons over Raiders, 23-18

Philadelphia @ Seattle
The Line: Philadelphia by 6.5
Sooner or later, Seattle's defense is going to pop up and steam-roll somebody. It's going to happen. You don't send 1,000 defensive players to the Pro Bowl one year and then magically turn into the worst piece of shit defense in the world the next. There's talent there, dammit, and there will be a game this season when they jump up and destroy somebody. Why not at home? Why not against an over-confident Philadelphia team fresh off a home win against the Atlanta Rookies?

And you're crazy if you think I'm gonna pick it that way. Alls I'm saying is it's going to happen, and it could very well happen agains the Eagles. If it doesn't happen, it'll be because Brian Westbrook is healthy and ridiculously dangerous. Philly's defense will give their offense a short field all day, and the Eagles have enough firepower to take advantage. The wild card is out there: Seattle's defense will show up for at least one game this season. Thing is, even if it happens in week 9, I don't think it's enough for them.
Eagles over Seahawks, 20-14

New England @ Indianapolis
The Line: Indianapolis by 6
Before I get going here, a quick check: I've picked 7 of 12 possible road teams. What the fuck?

How many people want to bet I'll take Matt Cassel's New England Patriots, on the road, when I'm facing an epic embarrassment come Tuesday, behind all these road teams?

Look, I can't do it. The truth is, I don't make each pick in a vacuum. Each pick is strongly influenced by the pick before it. I know that makes no sense, but there it is.

There's still probably a lot of bitterness between these two teams, knocked down though they are. Each coach probably desperately wants to stick it to the other guy. Indy hasn't looked good but once all season. I'm not sure the Pats have ever looked especially good this season, but they've done enough to reach this point at 5-2. As these weeks pass, each game gets more and more important for the Colts. The trouble is, I don't think preparation or focus has been an issue in Indianapolis for, like, a decade. If they're playing poorly and losing, in other words, it's because they're not very good. If the Cowboys are playing poorly and losing, it could be focus or whatever. Not the Colts. They just don't have it this season.

Now, having said that, if each person and each team has just the tiniest little reserve, the kind of thing that comes out in big moments of big games, you've got to think the Colts will dip into it for this one. This is like the AFC pride bowl: these are two of the three "big-dog" AFC East teams, all three are knocked down a bit, I can't imagine it would be anything but crushingly painful to see your season tailspin a bit more at the hands of another of the big three.

And if each person and each team has that tiny reserve, I've got to go with Peyton Manning's reserve at home versus Matt Cassel's reserve on the road, right?

You know what? It doesn't matter. I'm taking the Colts, I don't feel great about it, but I can't take another road underdog.
Colts over Patriots, 27-21

Pittsburgh @ Washington
The Line: Washington by 2
First, let me say this: I don't have TV, but I'll be watching this game. Every damn minute of it. I don't yet know how or where, but I'm watching it.

Second, this: I'm not afraid of the Steelers. They have my bored-Madden offense, and they wouldn't be all that special even with a serious offense.

Third, there's this: I expect this to be the craziest non-division-contest Redskins crowd in years. The Redskins are 6-2, it's the final game before the bye week, it's a Monday-nighter, nationally televised, against an NFL powerhouse.

Now, for the actual game: I'm bothered by the fact that the Redskins can't put pressure on quarterbacks. Ben Roethlisberger is a damn fine quarterback, but his line isn't much and he makes it easy for a good pass rush to get to him by standing back there waiting for his receivers to get 75 yards down field before throwing the ball. On the other hand, LaRon Landry is deployed specifically as a deterrent to the deep ball, so far it's worked this season, and when Big Ben doesn't have the deep ball, he tends to force it. That could be a good thing.

Furthermore, I'm bothered by the fact that the Redskins don't have any kind of skill or knack for forcing turnovers. On the other hand, the Steelers have a 0 turnover differential despite being the NFL's best overall defense.

Now, I'm encouraged by what I know of Washington's preparation and gameday execution: the Redskins probably won't shoot themselves in the foot with turnovers, and I fully expect Jim Zorn to have an offensive gameplan that is able to move the ball against Pittsburgh's extremely ferocious and confusing defense. I'm extremely confident the playcalling and execution of plays will be solid offensively. I'm also encouraged by Pittsburgh's 0-2 mark against the NFC.

So far, nothing I've seen has me encouraged that Greg Blache's defense will be able to adjust and muster much of a pass-rush, even against Pittsburgh's porous pass-protection, and that could be a problem. I don't have another hand for that one; that's the whole deal. I'm extremely worried that there will be no pressure on Roethlisberger.

Still, I like Washington's chances. I do. I like them especially because Pittsburgh might be the only team in the NFL who can be counted on to respond to an out-of-conference loss with a brutal sodomization of their next home opponent, except this isn't a home game for them and that out-of-conference loss was in Pittsburgh. Since the start of last season, the Steelers are 2-5 in non-divisional road games. They could win, sure, they're a very good football team. But so are the Redskins, this is the last push for Washington before the bye week, their second nationally televised game of the season, their first serious test at home, and we've seen how they respond to tough opponents this season. I expect it to be very physical, very noisy, a bit back and forth, and I expect the Skynards to emerge victorious. I hope they're also healthy.
Redskins over Steelers, 27-17

I said I'd do rankings today, but instead, I'm going to have a three-post week and do 'em tomorrow. Eat it!

Go Skynards!

Identity Check Time

10-4 this week. Not bad, eh?

Let's get right to it.

Baltimore over Oakland, 29-10
My Pick: Baltimore over Oakland, 16-10
Hey, this was an outstanding win for the Ravens. I was especially happy to see that not only did Troy Smith get some time on the field, but Baltimore's coaches devised a game-plan that actually allowed him to showcase his unique talents in a meaningful way. Great, great job there.

And here's who the Ravens are: obviously, the Ravens have a hell of a defense. Their secondary is overrated, but they make up for it by having the most under-the-radar defensive line in football. Seriously, and not to take anything away from the Titans, but Baltimore's 3-man front is every bit at dominant as Tennessee's. Haloti Ngata is a friggin' animal.

The Ravens can beat just about anybody if they can just avoid killer turnovers and stupid penalties. Once or twice a season, every team is going to run into a fluky offensive explosion by an opposing offense, like Baltimore did in their loss to Indianapolis. Those games aside, I honestly think the Ravens might have the NFL's best defense. They swarm and punish as well as any other defense in football, they're impossible to run on, and the fact of the matter is, they spend more time on the field than any other defense in the discussion.

I can pick the Ravens to make any game close, but it will be very difficult for me to pick them against any team that is consistently professional on the offensive side of the ball and has any ability at all to rush the passer and cover down-field. Still, this is a dramatically improved Baltimore team, and an entertaining one at that. Hats off to John Harbaugh, a dark-horse candidate for Coach of the Year.

As for the Raiders, they're nothing if not maddeningly mistake prone and inconsistent. We know they can run the ball. We know they're capable of roughly 2.5 quarters of strong defense. We can also be certain, certain, that they'll turn the ball over and commit stupid penalties just about the time their defense decides to shut it down for the day. I probably won't be able to pick them again this season, not unless they do something special to convince me Tom Cable can get these guys to focus for four quarters.

Really, really nice win for the Ravens. In order to take them seriously at 4-3, you need to be able to see two things on their resume: they can hold their own against some big-dog teams (check), and they can take care of business against bottom-feeders (check). I said they'd hang around in the North all season, and I'm feeling pretty good about that.

Carolina over Arizona, 27-23
My Pick: Carolina over Arizona, 28-24
Wow was I close on this one. I overestimated each team by a point.

If you're Arizona (or any NFL team for that matter), you just can't go on the road like this. It's silly. And I know they played pretty well, but c'mon. 7 penalties, 2 turnovers, and only 14 running plays on the day. It won't work! Being "good" is only part of the equation, you have to also have a goddamn clue how winning on the road actually works, and these guys don't have a clue. You don't go into the home of one of the NFL's best defenses and win when you only call 14 running plays. That's a Jack Del Rio move: "hey, they've got a heck of a run defense over there, so let's not even go down that road. It might surprise 'em!"

Still, this was a sharp, tough, entertaining-as-hell slugfest between two very talented teams. It's pretty embarrassing how Arizona a) can't stay out of their own way, as in Edgerrin James fumbling the ball deep in Arizona territory with a 7-point lead, and b) can't open up a lead on the NFC West, despite being at least a bazillion times better than any other team in that division. Come playoff-time, Arizona is going to really regret not taking care of business and earning a home game, for two reasons: 1. Arizona is crap on the road, and 2. with as bad as the NFC West has been , they're spoiling a prime opportunity to lock this puppy up and get some rest in the last few weeks of the regular season. No other team in the NFC will have that luxury, Arizona might have been the only one, except they're too silly-headed to know how to go about actually winning on the road.

Winning on the road is different from competing on the road, and right now I feel like all Arizona knows how to do is compete on the road. And that brings us to who these Cardinals are: this is a super-talented team with good scheming . . . no, great scheming on both sides of the ball, but as an organization they don't know jack shit about the process of winning a game. It's like they're too self-conscious for their own good. Everything that happens in an Arizona game happens in a vaccuum, each play is an island unto itself. They know how to throw a deep ball, they know how to dial up a blitz. They just don't know how to win a football game. They have an idea how to not lose a game, but that's a long way off. They're the exact opposite of the Redskins: the Redskins might be a little too focused on winning, if such a thing is possible. There's no dominance in Washington's blood, no need to show anybody up, not as a team, nor as individuals. In Arizona, they know how to own guys in individual match-ups and they know how to rip off a big play on anybody, but they don't know a goddamn thing about winning. They know how to be better than you, but not how to beat you. I played in approximately 10 million pick-up basketball games when I was a teenager in which my team knew how to be the better team and sincerely wanted to win, but didn't have a friggin' clue. That's the Cardinals. Winning is incidental. Fortunately for their fans, we're not talking about the Cowboys or the Eagles or the Chargers here, we're not talking about a team that doesn't feel like they should have to win football games. Arizona wants to prove they're a good team, they just don't have the first clue how it's done.

And that's why they'll win their division at something like 9-7 or 10-6, then get smothered in the playoffs.

As for Carolina, I love the balance in their offense, but I still feel like they're the NFC's Jacksonville/Pittsburgh. They're far too turnover prone at the quarterback position. Jake Delhomme is the kind of quarterback who can complete 45% of his passes one day in a win, then go out and miss on only two of his passes the next day, but have both incompletions intercepted and returned for touchdowns. He's erratic. He forces the ball a lot, and it's always a gamble picking them in any game because of it. That's why this team goes as the running game goes: if they don't need Delhomme's production, they can beat anybody. I love their defense. I love that they don't seem to be overlooking anybody. I love that they're taking care of business at home, and all that crap about Arizona aside, this was a very good win for the Panthers. They're suddenly in strong position in the South, and they come out of their week 9 bye with a pair of bottom-feeders (Oakland and Detroit) in a row. They're in great shape.

Dallas over St. Louis, 13-9
My Pick: Dallas over St. Louis, 20-17
Not a whole lot to say about this.

Dallas: the only way a silver lining can be found in what has otherwise become an embarrassing disappointment of a season is in the hopes that a few weeks of middling with Brad Johnson at quarterback and sliding towards the bottom of the division will get this team focused and serious about winning football games. That is, unless they don't completely implode first. I honestly can't remember a more fragile team than this. There's a certain naked insecurity about Wade Phillips, and I'm sure it can be blamed in large part to the fact that his boss has pretty much already supplanted him from within his own coaching staff. The Dallas roster is deep with notoriously fragile egos, and as sure as I am that Wade Phillips could be a solid coach of a solid NFL team, the absolute worst case scenario with a team as loaded with uber-sensitive types as Dallas is a head coach who can't even begin to hide his own victim mentality. I've never been so glad I'm not a Dallas fan. I mean, this is really a perfect storm of personality conflicts: a domineering owner, the NFL's second-most defensive, insecure head coach, an annointed golden boy quarterback with a short but telling history of imploding in big games and being distracted by off-field issues, and the NFL's Worst Ever Poison Pill at, of all positions, wide receiver, where he's in prime position to derail his team's rhythm with just the strength of his will and the threat of his murcurial personality.

But Dallas isn't done. Under no circumstances will the Cowboys finish worse than 10-6 this season. If Romo gets healthy at the right time and they're able to win either of their next two games, both huge division contests, they could get an upswing in the locker-room and put together some big wins. I'm not ready to fork 'em just yet.

As for Tampa Bay, this much is certain: their defense will keep them in every game this season. If you're out there holding off on declaring Jon Gruden an ass, an over-stuffed one-trick baloney artist, wait no longer. No coach in the NFL undermines his own offense more than Jon Gruden. He couldn't more obviously hate running the football without calling up the NFL Network and announcing to Rich Eisen, on the air, "I hate running the football". He's so in love with his own cute little version of the West Coast offense, he'd rather lose showing it off than win any other way. His quarterback has a mutinous hatred towards him because Gruden is so in love with the smell of his own shit he couldn't stand the guy getting any credit for the team's success in 2007. Tampa's decent record at the end of 2008 will be almost entirely the result of the hard work of a few tough, savvy players on Tampa's offense and Monte Kiffin's fine-tuned Tampa-2. And Jon Gruden will probably get votes for Coach of the Year, despite being one of maybe two or three coaches in the NFL who actually hurts his team's chances of winning.

So there.

Washington over Detroit, 25-17
My Pick: Washington over Detroit, 21-14
This game was both closer than it should have been and not as close as it looked, but no matter which way you slice it, it wasn't pretty. And you know what? Who cares!

At this point, I think we can safely make the following declarative statements about the 2008 Redskins:

1. They run the ball very, very well. Washington can run the ball on anybody. The timing of their running game is sublime, and I hope Clinton Portis appreciates that. Jim Zorn should teach a class on the rhythm of playcalling in the ground game.
2. The no-interceptions thing? It's actually not a fluke at all. Every quarterback in the NFL sometimes bounces a ball off a defenders chest or hands, including Jason Campbell. What he doesn't do is throw the ball when he isn't ready, and that's where most of the interceptions in the NFL come from. Jason Campbell will throw interceptions this season, but he's showing the world what it actually means to protect the football and manage a game.
3. The defense is very stout in a super-literal interpretation of the concept of defending. They have one mission on the football field: keep the other team from moving the ball down the field, and they do a great job of it.
4. Washington's defense is as bad as any defense in the NFL at pressuring a quarterback and forcing turnovers. Turnovers don't "come in bunches", as Vinny Cerrato would have you believe. What is it, El Nino? It doesn't work that way. There's no voodoo or karma in football. You're either pressuring the quarterback consistently and successfully playing the ball, or not. The Redskins are bad at pressuring the quarterback, and they're bad at playing the ball. Eventually, it will hurt them very badly. Sad, but true.

Still, I love this team. I love the coach. I love the players. I love the toughness, the hang-it-all-out-there-and-feel-good-in-a-humble-sort-of-way-about-winning attitude. I wouldn't trade this Redskins team for any outfit in the NFL.

One thing I will say, however, is this: what is Clinton Portis so moody about? Jesus. Since he's been here, he just can't get happy. At first I thought he wasn't happy about the scheme. Then they changed the scheme to fit his style. Still not happy. Then I thought he wasn't happy because he was unhealthy, but he's been as healthy as any back in the NFL for two years now. Still not happy. Recognition? Nope. He's gone to the Pro Bowl a few times now. Still not happy. Ah HA! The Redskins aren't winning enough for him. Now they're 6-2, surely the monkey is off this guy's back a bit, surely he's happy and settled in Washington, happy to be leading the league in rushing, happy to be such a big part of his team's offense and their success, happy to be winning consistently, happy to be getting some national recognition, happy to have a settled roster around him, happy to be the face of the franchise . . . nope. Not happy. Still sullen, still moody, still defensive, still fragile. What the hell? I can't shake the feeling this guy's gonna derail the whole deal one of these days because his coach grills him on the sidelines. Seriously, man, you're my age, the time of your life where you were allowed to be moody, sensitive, defensive, and volatile, ended a decade ago.

And I have nothing at all to say about the Lions. You know who they are: they stink.

Miami over Buffalo, 25-16
My Pick: Buffalo over Miami, 24-21
Now I know who the Bills really are!

Seriously, if I pulled that shit now, I'd have to hang myself in shame. I told myself I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't be the asshole who waited for them to disappoint before evaluating them. I can't do it, that's some evil shit.

Let's pretend, instead, this game happened weeks ago. Buffalo enters week 9 at 5-2, having exceeded just about all expectations. We know the following: Trent Edwards is capable of playing as well as any quarterback in the NFL against just about anybody, but he isn't invincible. He can lay a boner, and it can cost his team a victory, as it did in this one. Marshawn Lynch is a tough, durable, steady runner, but so far he's no game-changer. The defense is solid but unspectacular. For the most part, Buffalo can be counted on to compete with anybody and give themselves a chance to win, and so far they've been able to convert those chances into victories at a healthy clip. All that said, this was an ugly, discouraging loss. Trent Edwards looked truly poor for the first time this season. The defense was gashed left and right by Ted Ginn Jr., of all people, and Chad Pennington carved them to pieces.

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around this, but Buffalo just played their first division game of the entire season. They played a team they ought to beat, and they not only lost, they played poorly and got dumped. That's discouraging, any way you look at it. That 5-1 start was impressive, but to be honest, it won't really mean a damn thing 3 weeks from now if it turns out Buffalo can't take care of business in the division. Next up, a home date with the Jets, then a road game in New England. It's possible the Bills could be rock bottom in their division 2 weeks from now. Imagine that for a second. It wouldn't be the kind of thing the Bills couldn't recover from, but what a blow.

Miami played very well in a conventional sort of game. I'm still getting a read on the Dolphins, but I feel like this much is certain: they play to win, they believe in themselves, they'll rarely implode, and they're having fun. That last bit makes them a dangerous team for anybody to handle, especially in Miami. They're in the middle of a stretch of 5 of 6 games at home, so they've got a chance to hang around and maybe pick up a spot or two in the division if they can take care of business.

New England over St. Louis, 23-16
My Pick: New England over 31-17
I think flying under the radar suits the Patriots a bit better than last year's media orgy. Frankly, I'm starting to worry about the Patriots all over again. I might be the one person left in the world who doesn't think Tom Brady is as great as . . . well . . . almost any other quarterback in the history of football who has ever been considered "great", so I'm not yet ready to bet against Matt Cassel throwing 55 touchdowns next season if Brady is forced to miss more time. The fact is, if Tom Brady were 34 years old and Matt Cassel were . . . well, Matt Cassel, he'd be the talk of the NFL right now, the guy who hadn't played since high school who was managing to lead the veteran Patriots to a 5-2 record. In fact, that's who Tom Brady was only a few years ago. He didn't light the world on fire, just kept the Patriots winning. Seriously, you look at the Patriots roster this minute, take last season's success out of the picture, and tell me with a straight face this team scares anybody. Doesn't that mean Matt Cassel is doing a great job? They're 5-2 for fuck's sake, and this guy hasn't started a game since friggin' high school.

As for the Rams, I'm genuinely happy for them that they've rediscovered how to compete each Sunday. It may not yet be time to stash any hope for a division run, either. They've still got 5 (yes, five) division games left on their schedule, and nobody's running away with the NFC West. I'm keeping an eye on these plucky bastards.

New Orleans over San Diego, 37-32
My Pick: New Orleans over San Diego, 23-21
First of all, I think some respect is due to these two teams for traveling a hell of a long way and putting up a hell of a show in what is basically a massive publicity stunt for the NFL. Both teams essentially flushed an actual regular season game down the toilet so the NFL could make a silly-headed attempt at courting perhaps the least attainable sports crowd in the world, but they played their balls off out there. Good on 'em.

New Orleans . . . fuck I'm sick of thinking and writing about these guys! Yes, they won, and huzzah, they're back to .500. Now let's all take a deep breath and recite, for the 25th consecutive week of regular-season NFL football: "if the Saints can string together some wins here, they're still in the running in the NFC!" Don't forget to join me next week, as we practice reciting, "This was a tough loss for the Saints, I think they might be in too deep a hole for this season."

And the Chargers . . . fuckin' A. I don't know. Know what? Go into my archives and look at any goddamn paragraph I've written about this team all season. I'm so fucking resentful of this AFC West embarrassment. I can't effing believe the Chargers are still in this thing. It'll be like the whole shame of their season is lost and forgotten if they win two straight to close the season and wind up tumbling into the post-season. I can't believe I'm in a situation of having to root for the goddamn Broncos just so the national sports media can eat some shit on all the pre-season felatio about San Diego. I'm sick of this whole situation. The NFL's western divisions went a combined 1-6 on Sunday, with the only win coming in a divisional match-up. 4 coaches from the AFC West and NFC West have been fired this season already, and there's every chance Norv Turner, Herm Edwards, and Mike Shanahan will be gone before next season. Why, why, why are any of these teams allowed in the playoffs? It's bullshit. Somebody from the NFC South, somebody from the NFC East, some good, tough, consistent team with a great record is going to be denied a playoff spot so the goddamn NFC West champion can back in and get destroyed in a wild-card game. Bullshit.

And now this crap: apparently the fall guy for San Diego's disappointing play is Ted Cottrell, who was fired today. First of all, Ted Cottrell ain't the reason San Diego sucks, he's just part of the reason. Second of all, Cottrell did deserve to get fired, as does the rest of San Diego's coaching staff. Adios, buddy.

New York Jets over Kansas City, 28-24
My Pick: New York Jets over Kansas City, 45-13
Fuckin' A. I really don't care about this shit.

Brett Favre was garbage. I'd like to buy every New York Jets fan a beer today for having the testicular fortitude to boo his sorry ass at home on Sunday. That was maybe the best thing that's happened all season. He's just the most overrated player in NFL history, and if you can't see that, you should have your football watching rights taken away.

And don't get your hopes up in Kansas City, either. Tyler Thigpen was fine, sure, but he's not the answer. That has a lot more to do with his coach and the fact that Herm Edwards is deliberately breeding a culture of losing in Kansas City than anything else. Know what? If these fucking retarded ass bullshit NFL franchises can't get their shit together and take themselves seriously, they don't deserve words in my blog. The Jets are crap because they sold out to a 40-year old loser with a bullshit, inflated career stat-sheet that tells a bunch of slobbering homo ESPN douchebags he's worth a damn. The Chiefs are garbage because ownership is standing by with a blank stare as the single worst coach in NFL history actively and purposefully dismantles and devalues the franchise just to lower expectations for his job performance. Screw the both of 'em.

Philadelphia over Atlanta, 27-14
My Pick: Philadelphia over Atlanta, 27-20
Ultimately, this was a well-played game between two pretty good teams. It played out the way you'd expect: the veteran team, at home, took care of business. The younger team, on the road, couldn't overcome their own mistakes. And Brian Westbrook was awesome.

One quick little observation: Brian Westbrook had himself a little premature celebration on his long touchdown run and was damn lucky the ball wasn't poked out at the five yard line. If I'm Andy Reid, I'm having an long, angry talk with my team about how touchdowns and victories count, looking good and talking big don't. It's an extension of that same attitude Donovan McNabb expressed in the off-season and after the Redskins loss, that the Eagles don't have to produce anything to be considered an elite team. See, a long run isn't dick if it doesn't get you points. Celebrate in the endzone.

Atlanta showed up and fought, and they weren't too far out of this one. They were able to drive the ball pretty well at times. I'm convinced: this Falcons team will be around all season, I really believe that. Matt Ryan turned the ball over a few times, but he played damn well for a rookie, on the road, against one of the league's most aggressive, confusing defenses.

Cleveland over Jacksonville, 23-17
My Pick: Jacksonville over Cleveland, 28-10
See, a funny thing happened between week 6 and week 8: the Jaguars had a bye week, and I forgot all about the fact that they'd notched a good win in week 6. What did I say after that week 6 win?
"As for Jacksonville, now they'll go and drop a game in week 7. I don't even need to look at the schedule. They suck, they're inconsistent, they're banged up, their coach is crap, they suck."

Turns out Jacksonville didn't play in week 7, which caused me to forget about week 6, which led to this:

"I see Jacksonville moving the ball at will against the Browns, and I see the Jaguars taking advantage of Anderson's inaccuracy to much greater effect than the Redskins. I really do think this'll be a laugher. If I'm wrong, I'll feel pretty silly about it."

And goddamn it, if I'd just done a little more thinking and digging, I'd be able to sit here and say "Told y'all!" today. THIS IS WHO JACKSONVILLE IS. 2-5 AFTER THE BYE WEEK UNDER JACK DEL RIO. THAT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE.

As for Cleveland, look: you can't play any worse than that and win a road game in the NFL. I mean, that's just horseshit. They played awful football on Sunday, especially on offense. Derek Anderson was garbage again. The running game was bad. Jacksonville had a 10-minute time of possession advantage and outgained the Browns through the air and on the ground. The Jaguars killed themselves, and the Browns weren't there to stop them. This was about as fake a win as they're likely to get all season. I still think the Browns are a bad football team, their passing game is a mess. It's so bad, in fact, the Browns can't overcome it. The Browns are so bad at passing the ball they're a worse team than last season, despite a much improved defense and a solid running game. I see them topping out at maybe 7 wins, but I doubt very seriously they'll look like the same team in any set of consecutive games.

Houston over Cincinnati, 35-6
My Pick: Houston over Cincinnati, 31-20
Man, what an ass-whupping. Holy hell. When I do my NFL rankings tomorrow, I'm putting the Bengals in last place and I'm not putting anybody at second-to-last. They're that bad.

On the other hand, Houston is hotter 'n hell right about now. Matt Schaub is on fiyah! What impresses me about Houston's offense is how easily they take big bites out of the field. I wish they'd commit a bit more to Steve Slaton in the running game, but other than that, I really love what they're doing on that side of the ball. And Cincinnati did a lot to make them feel great about that defense, too. Houston could find themselves in second place in their division a week from now, and that would be just incredible. Look around the AFC: where are the wild-card teams? One will likely come out of the AFC East, but the North is top heavy and I think it might be a bit much to ask of the Ravens. The West is a goddamn joke. The South is tough, but the Texans are right in there! Week 9's match-up against Baltimore is (holy shit!) a big game with playoff implications! I'm telling you, I really think those two teams will be at the top of the wild-card race down the stretch. I almost can't believe I'm thinking that.

New York Giants over Pittsburgh, 21-14
My Pick: Pittsburgh over New York Giants, 23-19
Friggin' Pittsburgh.

I have a create-a-team from Maine in Madden. By design, that Maine team takes a screwy, balls-to-the-wall approach to offense. The running game is used almost exclusively as a distraction for the defense, to buy an extra second for play-action deep balls. When it clicks, it's a thing of beauty. When I'm off a little, or distracted, like when I have to play with the volume down because my wife is making business phone calls or practicing the piano or listening to the radio or some shit, it can get ugly. It turns into an endless repetition of second-and-longs followed by third-and-really-longs, with the odd really embarrassing interception and fluky 75-yard touchdown pass thrown in there. Usually, when it gets like that, I turn the game off in the third quarter after looking at my quarterback's stats and the sack totals. Usually, I go several days without picking the game up again. And that's Pittsburgh's offense. It's a joke. I can't take it seriously, I can't take that team seriously. Their offense is such a friggin' joke. We crap on their offensive line, but no offensive line in the world would be able to hold up as long as that line is expected to hold up play after play while Roethlisberger drops 7 steps, pumps, pumps, scrambles, pumps, scrambles . . . it's crap. The plays themselves are bullshit, the play-calling is bullshit, and Ben Roethlisberger's execution is bullshit. It's exactly like a game of Madden you don't really care about: trying to hit big plays on every down, regardless of the situation, the down-and-distance, the score, the field position, etc. Gross. I'm getting depressed just thinking about it. I want Mike Tomlin to be a great head coach. He can coach effort, that much is certain. His offense is about as air-headed an outfit as I've ever seen on a good team. I hope he's not playing Madden out there.

As for New York, I'm going to go ahead and call this a great win for them, even though Pittsburgh gave it to them and they didn't play especially well. The pass-rush was strong and Eli made some clutch throws down the stretch. If only Tennessee would drop a game, we could all go ahead and say New York is the best team in the NFL and right now the league's only serious Super Bowl contender. They're the only team of the actual contenders that has their kind of balance, and this was a big statement for them. I can't wait to see their match-up in week 9 with the Cowboys in New York. That should be interesting to say the least.

Seattle over San Francisco, 34-14
My Pick: San Francisco over Seattle, 20-14
Honestly, seriously, who thought I might care about this game?

And here's my brief take on Mike Singletary's rant: it was bullshit. To hell with him.

Two things happened on Sunday in this game that stuck with me: J.T. O'Sullivan threw another bad pick and one guy on San Francisco busted his ass chasing the ball-carrier down the field 70 yards: Vernon Davis. The other thing that happened? Mike Singletary went before a room full of national media and accused Vernon Davis of not being a winner, of not trying hard for the team, of putting himself before the team's success. Forget, for a second, that he kicked the guy out of a game, and think about the fact that he went before the media and basically pulled a Matt Millen on the guy, calling him everything but a coward. That he was just using Vernon Davis as an excuse to make an early statement about how tough and old-school and serious he is couldn't have possibly been more transparent. And what an easy target Davis makes: he was a high first-round pick that hasn't panned out. But I'd like to ask, who on San Francisco's roster has sacrificed more for the 2008 49ers than Vernon Davis? The team only went out and got an offensive coordinator who specifically doesn't use tight ends, and Vernon Davis didn't say a damn thing. He's been used overwhelmingly as a blocker this season, and he's done a hell of a job under the circumstances. Mike Singletary made that move yesterday exclusively and overtly as an audition for another coaching position, and that's bullshit. A move that should have bought him credibility in his locker-room probably has him hovering over the edge of mutiny right now. And the fact is, it's deterring everyone from mentioning that the 49ers just played their worst game of the season by far against a bottom-feeding division rival at home in a must win situation. So he screwed the pooch in game prep, screwed the pooch in gameday coaching, lost his temper with a player over something that happens several times a week around the league, made an embarrassing, distracting spectacle of himself, and we're supposed to forget all about it. Why? Because he totally threw one of his youngest, hardest working players under a bus. What an asshole. What a total, total asshole. Coach your team in practice, in the locker-room, and on the field, but not through the media. Classless bush-league bullshit. Mike Singletary should be punched in his over-stuffed blow-hard mouth.

Tennessee over Indianapolis, 31-21
My Pick: Tennessee over Indianapolis, 24-17
Indy didn't have it. Indy doesn't have it, come to think of it. They're done. D-U-N.

As for Tennessee, man they look awesome right about now. As impressed as I am by their defense, I'm a thousand times more impressed by their offensive line. Those guys are friggin' lights out. I don't think they're the best team in football, which is to say, I wouldn't pick them in a neutral site over the Giants today, but they're definitely the hottest and probably the toughest. And they do have the Jeff Fisher factor: they have the best head coach in football by a wide margin. I watched the ESPN pre-game bonanza Monday night, and I saw a brief clip of Fisher talking about Vince Young, and how he's learning a lot and in a great position and doing really well and was going to come back better than ever, and I found that I wasn't marveling at his ability to bullshit, or at his inability to bullshit, nor was I skeptical at all of what he was saying. I was totally convinced by Jeff Fisher, such is my faith in his ability to coach players and mold a competitive team. If the Titans signed Adam Archuleta today and I found out Jeff Fisher signed off on it, I'd expect Adam Archuleta to suddenly become a major impact player on the Titans roster, to play better than he'd ever played and blend seamlessly into their defense. And that's saying something, because Adam Archuleta is an NFL placenta if ever there was one.

Somebody's going to beat the Titans this season, but it won't ever be easy, and damn if I don't expect to see Tennessee in the Super Bowl. And if they make it, there's only one team in the NFL I'd root for against them, and I'm sure you can guess who that is.


I'll be doing rankings tomorrow. I got a very late start on my recap today, and I'd rather not be typing at 9pm tonight.