Minnesota @ Chicago
I guess I'd like to think that Minnesota will come back from their bye week with a nice game plan and a trick or two up their sleeves. I'll feel a lot better about Brad Childress if they do, but the strength of the Vikings is their running game, and the Bears are one tough team to run on. And coming off of a big road win over the Packers, I think the Bears might be ready to make a nice little run. The Vikings are at the bottom of the NFC North, and though I'll be impressed if they pull it off, I just don't see them doing it.
Bears over Vikings, 16-6 I just don't see either team reaching the endzone often, so I'm giving the Bears the touchdown and then dishing out some field goals.
Miami @ Cleveland
I'll be really upset if Miami wins this game with Cleo Lemon at quarterback. Cam Cameron is supposed to be an offensive smart-guy, but they're on the road and Cleveland is a pretty good team. Early indications are that Jamal Lewis will play, and against the awful Dolphins run defense, that ought to be good news for him. He'd probably trot out there with no feet just to get a chance to blow up against this lousy defense. The Browns should be able to move the ball whether they run or pass, and the Dolphins are bound to make some mistakes behind the young guy. At some point, the Dolphins probably looked at this game on their schedule as one they should win. What a depressing team they have down there in Miami.
Browns over Dolphins, 24-13 Notice how I've picked two straight home teams? I'm not out of the dark yet, the balls are still on the shelf.
Washington @ Green Bay
This would be a tough pill to swallow for the Packers, coming off of a disappointing home loss against a division foe, if they lose this one too. The fact of the matter is, the Packers haven't beaten anyone that matters. Their defense is the strength of their team, but frankly, it isn't that great. The Redskins looked terrific on Sunday on both sides of the ball and in all phases of the game. Remember what I said about Favre being sack-shy. He hasn't seen a lot of pressure so far this season, and two time on Sunday against the Bears, when he was feeling heat he made really questionable throws, including one that he put in Brian Urlacher's gut that essentially lost the game for the Packers. The only reason I'm having a hard time with this game is because it's in Lambeau. The winner here is the number two team in the NFC, with both teams set to face the Cowboys later in the season. Fuck it, I'm a homer. I'll probably eat shit on this one.
Redskins over Packers, 27-17 Yuck, I hate that pick.
Cincinnati @ Kansas City
I still think the Chiefs reek. If Larry Johnson is ever going to get it going, this should be the game, and if Cincinnati is going to turn their season around, this should be the game. Arrowhead Stadium is a tough place to play, but the Chiefs took it on the chin against Jacksonville on Sunday, almost getting shut-out at home. I have to believe in Marvin Lewis and the Bengals, and I have to pick against Herm Edwards and the Chiefs. Especially since they won't name their starting quarterback until the end of the week. I'm picking another road team, yikes.
Bengals over Chiefs, 30-10 Fuck it, why not make it a blowout?
Tennessee @ Tampa Bay
In my opinion, the Titans took a step backwards on Sunday, getting poor play from Vince Young, not much from their running game, and basically winning the game because the Falcons are a bad team whose coach made a bullshit decision to switch quarterbacks. Tampa Bay, on the other hand, played hurt and took a beating against the Super Bowl champs, and they really need this win in a big way. They're at home, and though I prefer the Titans, I'm taking the Bucs.
Bucs over Titans, 21-20 Two great coaches, two gutsy teams, I think it'll be close.
St. Louis @ Baltimore
I've gotta say, I'm having a hard time picking Baltimore in any game. They looked pathetic in their win against the 49ers on Sunday. On the other hand, the Rams are just awful, and as each week passes, they have less and less to play for. The Ravens still have a tough defense, they still have a stout running game, they still have enough veterans to not let a game like this slip past, and I don't think they will. This would be a great game for the Rams to win, and they did look a lot better against the Cardinals, so I guess I wouldn't be shocked if they pull it off.
Ravens over Rams, 13-10
Houston @ Jacksonville
For the second goddamn week in a row, I'm put in a position where I feel I have to pick the Jaguars. Last week I picked them because they were going against Herm Edwards and the terrible Chiefs, this week I feel like I have to pick them to keep myself from falling back on my bad, bad habit of picking road teams and eating shit. For the record, I think Houston is a very good team, I think Gary Kubiak is a much better coach than Jack Del Rio, and I will be actively and enthusiastically rooting for the Texans to win this game, but I have to pick the Jaguars. I have to.
Jaguars over Texans, 20-17 The Texans are a tough team, they'll keep it close.
Philadelphia @ New York Jets
Again, I think this one comes down to Brian Westbrook. If he plays and is healthy, the Eagles should easily win this game. You can bet Mangina and the Jets are taking a long, hard look at Winston Justice. Remember, the Jets are at the bottom of the NFL in sacks, and the Eagles look like a get-healthy team for what ails your pass-rush. On the other hand, I still believe in Andy Reid, Donovan McNabb, and above all, Brian Westbrook. I also think the Jets are terrible, and I see the Eagles putting a lot of heat on their suspect quarterbacks. That's right, plural. Kelly Clemens is about this close to taking the job away from Chad Pennington.
Eagles over Jets, 31-21
Carolina @ Arizona
I'm glad I get to pick the home team on this one. If Jake Delhomme were playing, I might have a hard time with this one, but David Carr is a joke, and Carolina has no identity. Again, I think this one should be fairly easy for Arizona; protect the ball and score two touchdowns and they ought to come away with a victory. Julius Peppers and Kris Jenkins are pretty scary, though, and you know what happens when you rattle Kurt Warner: suddenly his fingers stop working and the football starts popping out when he gets hit. John Fox is a good coach, but I'm sticking with Arizona on this one.
Cardinals over Panthers, 24-17
Oakland @ San Diego
I have principals, ok? There is NO REASON the Chargers should lose this game, and if they do, they'll have no excuse. I think Lane Kiffin is a better coach than Norv Turner, but that's the only thing going for Oakland in this one. This game is being played in Qualcomm, the Chargers need it more, they have more talent and experience, and they're coming off of a big win against the Broncos. But a few weeks ago, I said I wasn't picking the Chargers again until they are back at .500 or better, and I'm sticking to it. If they win, I'll be happy, but I can't pick them. I CANNOT PICK THEM.
Raiders over Chargers, 28-27
New England @ Dallas
This is the game everyone wants to see this weekend. Why are the two prime-time games between the 0-4 Ain'ts and the 3-2 Sea-jacks, and the 3-2 GAin'ts and the 1-4 Flake-ons, when we have Sunday afternoon games featuring the 3-1 Skins and the 4-1 Packers, and the 5-0 Patriots and the 5-0 Cowboys? If you're going to have flexible scheduling, you might as well use it. I hate to pick another road team here, but I'm glad to pick someone to beat the Cowboys, and I have no trouble picking the Patriots against anyone. As much as I can't stand the Cowboys, I'll be really impressed if they come out and play New England close. I expect Bill Belichick will have his Patriots more ready than ever for this one, and I'm actually really excited to see this game.
Patriots over Cowboys, 34-24
New Orleans @ Seattle
Sooner or later, New Orleans is going to win a game. Not because they're a great or even good team, but because the likelihood that they, or any other team, will go 0-16 is incredibly small, and this team is relatively healthy. They've still got some playmakers, and I still think they've got a good head coach. Seattle, on the other hand, is playing just well enough to not be in the Denver Broncos category of totally bogus teams that people actually expected to do well. Because the Saints haven't won a game yet, and because the Seahawks are at home, I'm forced to take the Seahawks. I'll be pleased, I guess, if the Saints pull it off.
Seahawks over Saints, 31-28
New York Giants @ Atlanta
Make no mistake, I am pretty certain the Giants are the more talented team by a wide, wide margin. I also think they are getting healthy at the same time that they're finding some offensive rhythm and defensive fortitude. This could be a playoff team, though I still insist that Tom Coughlin is an awful coach. Imagine the Giants roster with Jeff Fisher as the head coach, now that'd be a powerful team. On the other hand, Joey Harrington probably has a little fire in his belly right now, and Atlanta is a competitive team. The Giants, for all of their defensive success against the Eagles, are still a weak, or at least inconsistent, defensive team, and the Falcons have shown they can put up big numbers. Petrino ought to have his team playing loose football, but he managed to undermine their meager success by hosing his quarterback. Look, I'm rooting for the Falcons, plus they're at home. I'm fuckin' taking them, ok?
Falcons over Giants, 21-14
One other thing: this morning I got to listen to Phil Simms explain Tony Romo's interceptions away as the brilliance of Jason Garrett and Tony Romo, that they're just going to keep coming and coming and that's what makes them great. I also got to see a nice front page article or three on ESPN.com about Romo, at least one crediting him with winning the Monday nighter. The same Monday night game in which he had 6 turnovers. The Indianapolis Colts throw the ball down the field as much as anyone. The Patriots keep coming and coming. The Bengals won't stop challenging the defense through the air, nor will the Lions or Eagles or Packers, and those quarterbacks aren't tossing five picks and losing a fumble, nor are they killing their team against a bottom-dwelling opponent on Monday night. Romo's picks had nothing to do with the gun-slinging offense, they had to do with bad decision making. He wasn't trying to fit the ball in tight spots, he was making bad choices and inaccurate throws. I'm not shitting on Romo, I think he's a good quarterback, but seriously, the mainstream sports media ought to be ashamed of itself. Do you know what would happen if Donovan McNabb threw five picks and lost a fumble in a game the Eagles barely won against a banged-up, pretty much hopeless bottom-dweller? He'd be getting KILLED on Around The Horn and on NFL Live, and Sal Paolantonio would be calling him washed up and done. This shit is ridiculous. Imagine another young quarterback with as few starts as Tony Romo playing just as poorly. Take, for instance, Vince Young or Jason Campbell, and imagine them throwing five picks and losing a fumble, giving two touchdowns to the other team, on a Monday night before the biggest game of the season to date, and then getting bailed out by a 53 yard field goal as time expired, against the god-awful Buffalo Bills. You can bet they wouldn't be getting front page props on ESPN.com on Wednesday morning, nor would Phil Simms be PRAISING them for their style and crediting them with winning the game.
Ok, that's enough, I'll leave it alone.
One more thing: I wanted to look at the Bills stats and make a case for J. P. Losman taking back the job when he's healthy after the bye. It turns out he's throwing for fewer yards per attempt than even Edwards, and though he had a very good completion percentage through 3 games, Edwards' is higher. Here's the thing; had Losman not been injured, he'd have had another full game under his belt before the Monday nighter, another two weeks of practice and four quarters of live action to get some chemistry going with his receivers. Losman likes to throw the ball down the field, and in my opinion, the Bills were one or two downfield completions away from winning that game, especially considering how weak the Cowboys have been against the pass, and how suspect their secondary is. I like Trent Edwards, and he might be a good quarterback someday, but I like Losman even more, and he's taken enough lumps and performed well enough for this team to get his job back when he's healthy. Perennially bad teams switch quarterbacks often, allow quarterback controversies, and don't have the patience or balls to stick with one guy and ride out some hard times. The Bills have a perfectly good young quarterback with a promising future, and they ought to stick with him. I'm a Losman guy, don't bench him for a rookie, I don't care what Bill Walsh has to say about it.
Next week I'll tell you how I really feel about individual NFL coaches. I may take a thing or two back. We'll see.
Go Skynards.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Fascinating Times!
I'm ashamed to say my Week 5 strategy of sticking with the home team worked pretty well, to the tune of 10-4. And what a weekend it was!
Houston 22 Miami 19
My Pick: Houston 24 Miami 13
To hell with Trent Green, and to hell with Rich Eisen and Steve Zaban, and anyone else that has anything to say about Travis Johnson's reaction to the play that probably ended Trent Green's career as a starting NFL quarterback. To be perfectly honest, I respect a quarterback that is willing to toss his body into a 300 pound defensive player to try to spring his teammate. What Trent Green did, on the other hand, was launch himself at the knees of another player, who could never have seen him coming, in what should be called a horribly dirty play, and WOULD be called a horribly dirty play if not for A) the fact that everyone is all boner-fied over Trent Green, who is a useless turd, by the way, and B) the result of the play: a well-deserved concussion for Green, and C) the fact that it's now fashionable for sports-talkers to go all Joe Buck every time a black athlete does anything but march off the field like a marine at the end of a play or even DARES to express an unpopular opinion. Did Travis Johnson perhaps say more than he needed to after the game? Sure, but can you fault him for that? This isn't about his career flashing before his eyes, that happens to these guys at least once a game. This was about an opposing player taking a cheap, wreckless, dirty, and inexcusable low-blow that only through the grace of God didn't ruin Johnson's knees and end his career. The fact that Green suffered a massive concussion is in no way Johnson's fault, and I see no reason why Johnson shouldn't be forgiven for first reacting on the field, which is just plain beyond reproach, or still being furious in the post-game. I'm sick of the whole Trent Green thing. I swear no one has gotten over the fact that this guy hurt his legs YEARS ago while playing for mushy cry-baby Dick Vermeil, and he's been coasting on good feelings ever since. He's been another washed up Rich Gannon of a quarterback for a while now, and he needs to get the hell out of the NFL. Cam Cameron is also an idiot, while I'm piling on. Also, I came pretty close on this one.
Jacksonville 17 Kansas City 7
My Pick: Jacksonville 20 Kansas City 17
If you're a Chiefs fan, you just went from absurdly and inexplicably confident in your absolute train-wreck of a team, to sitting at your desk with a thousand-yard-stare as you contemplate spending the next 5 years rebuilding from the bottom of the second worst division in the NFL under Herm Edwards. This team has to be really concerned about the lack of production they're getting from Larry Johnson. I no longer think this is just about teams loading the box and disrespecting the anemic passing game of the Chiefs; I think LJ is burned out from last year. I honestly think this guy would be better off if he'd tweaked something in the off-season and had to sit out, or if he'd held out for longer. Seriously, 12 yards rushing in a game? You don't explain that away as a defensive scheme, and Herm Edwards is not the guy that is going to find a creative way to get his horse going, nor is he going to pull a Michael Turner out of his hat. This team is every bit as awful as I said they were, and the fact that they pulled off 2 wins in their terrible, TERRIBLE division doesn't change a thing.
NY Giants 35 NY Jets 24
My Pick: NY Giants 28 NY Jets 20
I was a little warm this weekend, and not only because it's like Indian Global Warming here in October. I nailed this game. You know what? Eli Manning is a good friggin' quarterback. That guy could line up under center for my team any day of the week. You know what else? Chad Pennington is a fraud. He dinks and dunks all day, which makes his completion percentage look good, and as soon as he tries to go down field, BLAM, someone wearing a different jersey is racing the other way with the ball. We'll explore this theme a little later, but in the case of the Jets, this team stinks and it's high time they started thinking about the future. They obviously wasted the off-season on Thomas Jones, and not because he isn't a good runner, but because "Mangina" just refuses to commit to the run. Maybe he's too much of a genius to run the ball. You must be one smart customer to make one key acquisition in the off-season and then bury the guy behind your mediocre passing "attack". In other news, don't look for the wild-card to come out of the horribly depressing AFC East.
Carolina 16 New Orleans 13
My Pick: New Orleans 31 Carolina 21
Yikes. I can't say enough how much this stinks for the Saints franchise. 0-3 and coming off of a bye week against a team that was starting their dreadful backup quarterback and then had to go to their THIRD STRING quarterback, an undrafted rookie who was cut in the off-season by his first team, and the Saints had 'em at home. This is a lousy Carolina team that has no offensive identity or rhythm and an under-performing defense, and the Saints came out flat, couldn't establish anything, and in a game where their terrible defense only gave up 16 points and only one touchdown, they still found a way to lose. If I'm doing power rankings of all 32 NFL teams, the Saints go right at the bottom. Drew Brees chucked another pair of interceptions, by the way, and though I didn't have the pleasure of watching these with my own eyes, I'd be willing to bet the farm this guy was dancing in the pocket with an ugly, tense look on his face. He hit 29 of 47 passes for 252 yards, and if your name is David Carr or Trent Edwards, those might be good numbers. Folks, that's just over 5 yards an attempt, and only about 8 yards a completion. That stinks. Those are crap numbers, Chad Pennington numbers. I said after week 3 that Drew Brees is playing terrible football, and nothing he did Sunday afternoon changed my mind.
New England 34 Cleveland 17
My Pick: New England 41 Cleveland 10
Well, I nailed this one two, and if you have any kind of working brain in your head, so did you. Cleveland gets a little credit for putting 17 points on the board, and Derek Anderson gets a little credit for coming back from his 3 picks and tossing 2 scores. I like the Browns, they're a good team. They didn't get thumped any worse than any of New England's other opponents this season, and I don't know if that is something to be proud of, but it might be something to take away from a loss. What can you say about New England? They haven't been tested, and there's an argument to be made that they haven't really faced anyone yet, but they are definitely doing what great teams ought to do, which is not just beat the teams you're supposed to beat, but crush and demoralize them. The scoreboard ought to reflect how much better you are than your opponent, and in the case of New England, it sure has.
Washington 34 Detroit 3
My Pick: Washington 28 Detroit 27
There's too much to say about this game for me to even try to say anything significant at all. The Redskins looked absolutely great, they dominated every part of the game on every part of the field. They also broadcast the blueprint for shutting down a Mike Martz offense. This was the most one-sided game of the season so far, and anyone who watched it knows it's true. I hope the Redskins are this good. If they are, they will win the NFC East and play in the NFC Championship. Jason Campbell is another QB who threw for a good percentage on Sunday, but the difference was he was throwing the ball down the field, averaging over 8 yards an attempt and over 10 yards a completion. Kitna didn't look bad so much as he looked beat up. He threw a pop-up, punt of an interception to Sean Taylor in the third quarter that looked for all the world like Kitna was a guy that just didn't want to take another big hit. Every drop back and every throw, all game long, Kitna was getting hit and dropped, and that might have been one of maybe 2 times all game when he didn't finish his throwing motion from the seat of his pants. At some point, Rod Marinelli and Martz need to take their quarterback's protection seriously. I know everyone gushes over the the Martz system, which racks up yards and points and depends on the quarterback being decisive and willing to take a lick in the pocket, but seriously, he's KOing his second quarterback in the last 5 years, and in both cases he had teams that were talented enough to win a lot of games. It would be a shame if the Lions flamed out because their offensive coordinator's ego is too large to run the ball or protect the quarterback. The Redskins defense looks really scary right now. They have probably the most physical secondary in football, and their linebackers can REALLY run and tackle. They played the Denver style from a few years back, when the Broncos would only rush their front four and drop the other 7 guys deep in coverage, keep everything in front of them, and fly to the ball. The Redskins don't have the pass-rushers those Broncos did, but if they can get anything like a consistent pass rush from their front-four, that could be a great style for them to return to.
Tennessee 20 Atlanta 13
My Pick: Tennessee 30 Atlanta 14
It was a real shame that Petrino pulled Joey Harrington for Byron Leftwich. Can you believe I just said that? But seriously, Joey has been pretty much the only thing going for the Falcons offense the last two weeks, I can't see pulling him like that. Then Petrino gets called out by Alge Crumpler after the game for his play-calling. You could say my confidence in Bobby Petrino as a head coach is waning. I don't believe in taking college head coaches and making them pro head coaches. I don't believe it works, and I kinda think this guy sucks. He's alienating his players when they should be rallying under these circumstances, and he expressed no confidence in the one offensive player who seems to be succeeding at all in his new offense. Start the death clock on Bobby Petrino's NFL coaching career. I see him at the University of Tennessee in 2009. The Titans keep on finding ways to win, in this case in spite of some erratic play from Vince Young, who, may I remind everyone, is still basically playing his first season of NFL football. Jeff Fisher is a hell of a coach. I think I'll say that every week from now on.
Arizona 34 St. Louis 31
My Pick: Arizona 38 St. Louis 10
Honestly, it was good to see St. Louis get up off the mat and actually muster a little competitive spirit in this one. Arizona needs to learn to squish teams like this when they have the chance, and playing a game against a team without their quarterback, top runner, second receiver, and their entire starting o-line, you really have that chance. St. Louis had no business competing in this one, but I think a lot of the reason for the competitiveness of this game comes down to the Rams playing pretty loose at home with a team of subs, and Arizona looking right past them. The Cardinals are a young team, I guess you'd expect that of them. But they got the win and are looking good in their weak division, and they managed to solve their quarterback situation to boot. Against all odds, I like Matt Leinart, but it looks like he's done for this year. Kurt Warner makes an interesting fantasy option, until he invariably implodes after his first Martz/Giants flashbacks start hitting.
Pittsburgh 21 Seattle 0
My Pick: Pittsburgh 17 Seattle 13
Wow, I don't know what to say about this one. I caught this one on Live Gamecast on ESPN, only I was certain they were experiencing some kind of glitch where all of Seattle's possessions were being credited to the Steelers. Seattle was never in this game at all, not even for a moment, and they look like real frauds right now. Sean Alexander is so over-rated, and as much as I need Matt Hasselbeck to perform well for my fantasy team, he is not a quarterback that is going to lift his team up and carry them through a bad performance. He's really more of a bystander, a good-samaritan that comes in and helps the efforts of the pros but is no expert. This is how you rebound from a disappointing loss, by wiping out a "playoff caliber" opponent and dominating both sides of the ball. I really like Mike Tomlin, and I have to say Ben Roethlisberger is really looking like a big time quarterback to me. Am I the last guy in America that was truly sold on Big Ben? Probably. I definitely still say the Steelers are the third best team in the NFL right now.
Indianapolis 33 Tampa Bay 14
My Pick: Indianapolis 20 Tampa Bay 16
Strange though it may sound, I don't think this game does anything to discourage Tampa fans. Indianapolis is a really good team, a deep team with loads of big-game experience. Tampa is a young team that has scratched and clawed their way to a winning record through mostly guts and good-coaching, and they are not as able to overcome big-time injuries as the Colts are. That is to be expected. Ernest Graham now has the backfield all to himself, but the Bucs need to be looking at free-agency as a way to add depth to their running game. Again, this is another example of an impressive win by the Colts, a game where they flex their muscles on a "contender". They definitely have the most impressive resume of the undefeated and 1-loss teams through 5 weeks. They ought to be a little worried about their depth right now, but they keep on dominating decent teams, and this one allowed them to get a little rest for some of their really important pieces. Strange, how Indianapolis has seemed so quiet through 5 weeks of great football, but the NFL seems to be pointed in another direction right now, with Dallas, New England, and Green Bay definitely getting a greater share of the attention.
Baltimore 9 San Francisco 7
My Pick: San Francisco 19 Baltimore 17
Mike Nolan really crapped the bed in this one. Scouts Inc. on ESPN commented that the 49ers set offensive football back 10 years on Sunday, and I'm inclined to agree. They never even tried to get things going. Trent Dilfer is the quarterback who famously "didn't lose games" en route to a Super Bowl victory for the Ravens. I'm sorry, but if you're the guy getting paid millions and millions of dollars to "not lose", well, that's a proud distinction to etch on your gravestone. Good enough to not shit the bed for his team. Here lies Trent, who never failed to let his teammates do enough to win a game. Nolan clearly let that go to his head, and instead of going out there to challenge their opponent and win a game, they went out there to steal a lead and hide it, and that's a crappy attitude to have going into a contest. Baltimore is a dreadful team, by the way. I'm a little sad about that. The 49ers did nothing, NOTHING in this game, but the Ravens only put up 3 field goals and barely took the victory. Maybe this is a return to form for a team that won it all by shutting down the other side and "not losing" the game on offense. If so, I won't be watching many Ravens games, I don't care how many they win. I pity the fools who paid good money to attend this one, between two teams whose offensive philosophies can be described as "letting the other guys lose" instead of "trying to win". How pathetic. Both teams should be fined for this crap.
San Diego 41 Denver 3
My Pick: Denver 27 San Diego 24
I couldn't be happier to have gotten this one wrong. I hope the Chargers have figured it out, and I hope everyone else has figured out that the Broncos are a terrible, ugly, hopeless fraud of a team that should be 0-5 right now. This could very well be the final year for Shanahan in Denver. The Broncos haven't put a team this ugly and unlikeable on the field in some time. The thing about the Shanahan system, on the other hand, is that he's always only a couple o' receivers and a consistent QB away from the playoffs, because they will always have success running the ball. On yet another hand, the entire NFL can run the ball with ease now, except the lowly Chiefs, so Shanahan hanging his hat on a dependable ground game might not cut it any longer. It was good to see the Chargers get it going. I was kind of wondering where Michael Turner had gone in the first four weeks. I know the Chargers were slinging a lot of baloney about keeping LT fresh for the second half and the playoffs, but that doesn't explain cutting into Turner's carries. They finally committed to the run in this game, took the game off of Philip River's shoulders (who is officially the AFC version of Tony Romo, in that he's wildly over-rated and a typical example of the sports media's general gayness over white quartebacks), and pounded an out-classed opponent. Keep it up, San Diego! The NFL ought to have at least ONE good west coast team.
Chicago 27 Green Bay 20
My Pick: Green Bay 14 Chicago 6
I'm glad to see Green Bay knocked from the ranks of the undefeated. They didn't belong in the discussion of great teams, which is not to say they didn't earn their 4-0 start and aren't the best team in their division. Look at who they beat, though: the Eagles, who look terrible; the Giants, who are terrible; San Diego, who may still be terrible and lost to the Chiefs, for the love of God; and the Vikings, who are so awful they're lucky they didn't lose on their bye week. The Packers ought to have won those games, and they did. They also should have beaten the Bears. There was no reason to let that team off the mat at all, and this is what separates teams that belong in the discussion from teams that do not. Indianapolis easily put Tampa Bay down even without MOST of their best players, while Green Bay gave this one away, at HOME, against a banged-up and struggling division foe that started their lousy backup QB. Green Bay will still likely make the playoffs, and I still think McCarthy is a really good head coach, but is this a great football team? No. No friggin' way. Also, what was Favre thinking on that interception? I think Brett is a little sack-shy. Lovie Smith is a good coach, you knew he'd get his team to play tough and find ways to win.
Dallas 25 Buffalo 24
My Pick: Dallas 35 Buffalo 10
I have so much to say about this game, but I'm only allowing myself four points.
1. This was the strangest game anyone has seen in a long time. My eyes, my guts, and my heart all told me the Bills were dominating the game, but my brain had something else to say about it entirely. They made a few big plays, but Dallas was all over them. That said, Dick Jauron coached a hell of a game, and his players deserve a big pat on the back. They should feel quite proud of the way they performed in this game. They did enough to win any game against any team, but this was one weird full-moon crazy-ass game, and the only break that mattered in the end just didn't go their way.
2. Will everyone PLEASE get off Tony Romo's jock now? My god, has anyone ever done less to earn the blubbering man-crush of the entire sports media in history? Tony Romo is a good player and a good quarterback. No, he is not great. No, he is not a top 10 quarterback. No, he is not the young Brett Favre. I just about puked all over my wife when John Madden took to calling Brett Favre the Old Tony Romo on Sunday night. Give me a goddamn break. This guy has started all of 15 games in the NFL, will everyone please just shut the fuck up?
3. I hate to say this, I really don't want to crap on the kid, but Trent Edwards lost the game for the Bills. Ron Jaworski may still be balls deep on Edwards manhood right now, and his completion percentage may seduce you into thinking he was a force, but he killed the Bills. This guy was 23 of 31 with only one pick and no TDs. That's just fine, except he only threw for 176 yards. That's just over 5 yards an ATTEMPT. That is terrible production from a quarterback, especially against a defense that has been quite weak against the pass. I know he's a rookie, I know he kept some drives alive and managed the game, and I applaud his maturity. I actually think he played pretty well for a guy making only his second career start, but sometimes rookies kill their team, even when they play about as well as you could expect them to play. He never moved the ball down the field, he never made the Cowboys respect the passing game, and in the end, the Bills offense NEVER SCORED.
4. Right before kickoff, when I was still beaming from my first halfway decent performance of the season in my fantasy league, I sent a nice little message to my league-mates. What did I say, BEFORE kickoff? "Screw Romo. I hope he throws six picks and loses a dozen fumbles." I shit you not. A couple of turds in my league have Romo, and who can blame them? But I needed him to have a bad game last night, and he delivered. I might just send him a six-pack. I was in AWE after the fourth pick in the first half. I should have wished for something big. I definitely should have played the lottery. This was even better than the Skins defense giving me an ungodly number of points against Detroit. What a weekend!
Ok, one more point. I will allow the Cowboys to stay in the discussion of great NFL teams. They came back and beat a team that had them on the ropes. It was a Kelly Pavlik-ian performance. But Dallas fans shouldn't be so warm and comfy right now, they almost blew one of the easiest games on their schedule, and now they have to rebound against the champion of the TRUE heavyweight division next Sunday when they host the Pats. Good luck, you bunch of pansies. Also, TO looked like he was this close to going Philadelphia-style in the fourth quarter. Keep an eye on it. He hasn't been real productive the last two weeks, and you know what happens when his number start to decline . . .
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Rather than rank all 32 NFL teams, I'd like to take a moment to rank all 32 NFL Head Coaches. No, even better, I'd like to take a look at each division, and rank the coaches within that division.
NFC East
Because I'm a big fat homer, I'm going to put Joe Gibbs on top. His team is 3-1, coming off an 11 loss season and starting a young quarterback. Plus, they destroyed a 3-1 opponent on Sunday, and made major improvements during their bye week. Hats off, Joe. I'll lay off for a week or so, but like all other Skins fans, the second things go poorly, I'll be riding your ass like Seabiscuit.
Wade Philips gets the nod at number two, but really, he could very easily be number one. Dallas is 5-0, and though they very nearly laid an egg against the very poor Bills on Sunday, that had a hell of a lot more to do with Tony Romo than it did with any coaching decisions by Philips. In fact, he coached a hell of a game, and his team pulled it out. Now, if they can come out tough against New England, we'll have the whole picture.
Though the Eagles are last in the division, I'm still looking at Andy Reid as third. He's coached his team to the Super Bowl and is a proven winner. He's also had to coach in the face of an injured quarterback and an injured superstar runningback. I give the Eagles a few weeks, they'll start to scare people again. They're not done.
Yes, Tom Coughlin is still the worst coach in this division. He still looks like a pissed-off and bewildered Tweety Bird on the sidelines, he still alienates his players and gets called out in the media, and his team is still a loss or two from a major blow-up. Tom Coughlin is not the last guy in the NFL I'd want to coach my team, but frankly, you wouldn't want to be confused for any of the guys behind him.
NFC North
For my money, Mike McCarthy is the best coach in the NFC North, but that ain't sayin' much. Well. . .nevermind, before we go there, let me first say that I think McCarthy is a hell of a coach. He's coaching to the strengths of his team, and though that might seem like the very least an NFL coach can do, it seems to be asking a lot of the current class of skippers. That talented, thoughtful coaches like McCarthy should have to share a title with dickless idiots like Jack Del Rio is a real shame.
Lovie Smith is also a good coach. Notice that his Bears teams have been tough in every game this year. Notice that they've been undone by the awful play of their quarterbacks. Lovie found a way to beat the previously undefeated Packers in Green Bay with a hideously awful quarterback under center. The Bears stink, but it isn't their coach. The Bears have had respectable game-plans in every contest so far this season.
You know, I kinda like Rod Marinelli. I'm not sure there was a worse situation to step into in the NFL than the head coach spot in Detroit before last season. The brutal man-rape at the hands of the Redskins aside, his team has fought hard and achieved a winning record this season, and with pretty much the same roster that went 3-13 last season. In fact, they've been without the services of their top back most of the way. Good for you, Rod.
Now, on the other hand, Brad Childress seems to be confused about his team's identity. The Vikings ought to be a stout defensive team with a smash-mouth offense. It's their only hope in hell. It took real guts to go with Tarvaris Jackson to start the year, and maybe that didn't work out so well. I don't know what Childress sees in Kelly Holcomb that no one else in NFL history has seen, but Holcomb is not the kind of quarterback that makes you want to take the ball out of the hands of your all-world rookie runningback and start heaving it around. Frankly, Holcomb is a loser, and if he's in the game for your team, well your team is in a heap of trouble. I hope Childress is using the bye to shore that up.
NFC South
I'm happy to report that Jon Gruden is still the best coach in the NFC South. In truth, I'd always hoped it to be true, though I'm a big fan of John Fox and Sean Payton. It seems the number one thing Gruden does with his teams is infuse them with a bit of attitude, a little toughness that shows up in their play, and if I give the guy credit for one other thing, it's his ability to find a quarterback that inspires that toughness on the field. Let's be honest here; there aren't more than 3 offensive players on the Bucs that any other team in the NFL would give up any draft pick for, but they find a way to compete and win.
As I said, I'm a big fan of John Fox, and I want to believe he's a great coach, and I'm giving him a fan-boy bump because his team is above .500. His teams are awfully up-and-down, and the Panthers are often the most frustrating team in the NFL. They won an important game on Sunday, and they did it while having to rely on the services of their third string quarterback, and seriously, they have probably the worst second string quarterback in all the land. When are the Panthers going to get a running game? When are they going to get a second receiver? When is their defense going to consistently perform? We demand answers!
These next two were tough calls, and in the end I had to penalize the rookie and give a point to the guy whose team played for the NFC Championship in 2006. Sean Payton has a piss-poor team on his hands this year, and they're in a lot of trouble. The fact that he failed to prepare his team adequately enough to beat Carolina, coming off a bye week and playing at home and in DESPERATE need of a victory, is a bad omen. The fact that this team has taken a big step backward, the fact that his Pro Bowl quarterback looks like a hideous, embarrassing turd out there, and the fact that he can't coach north and south into his superstar tailback are all bad omens. I want to like this guy. I want it to all work out. I'm crossing my fingers.
Nothing turns me off a coach like said coach betraying, selling out, or hosing one of his players, and that's what happened on Sunday in Atlanta. Bobby Petrino shit all over Joey Harrington, and in my book, that's a classless, disloyal move. Harrington has been the only guy with a pulse among Petrino's offensive skill position players, and the fact that he benched him in favor of a guy who hasn't been in town long enough to know his way to the stadium tells me he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. I'm not rah-rah-ing for Petrino, not until he pulls his head out of his ass. His team isn't competing for the playoffs. Frankly, as I told my brother on Sunday, the Falcons are only out there because they're on the schedule. After the Vick fiasco this summer, Arthur Blank would have gladly shut his team down for the season to avoid the embarrassing spectacle. They're on the books to play, so they're playing, and Petrino ought to not throw these poor bastards under a bus when they have a sore moment. Harrington has earned the right to have a poor game, I don't care if Joe friggin' Montana is sitting on the bench. It's disloyal. He burned his guy, and that's bullshit.
NFC West
Frankly, this was an easy call. Ken Wisenhunt is the class of the NFC West. Arizona is a franchise that still has losing in it's bones. Wisenhunt has coached this team to victories, and they're something of a force on both sides of the ball. He juggled his QBs, and though that might be questionable according to conventional tactics, it friggin' worked, so maybe we can all shut the hell up about it. The Cards ought to be in the playoffs this year.
Mike Nolan, for as bad as his team played on Sunday, deserves a little credit. Look at it this way: which roster would YOU rather have? The Pro Bowl quarterback, record-setting runningback, Super Bowl MVP receiver, and talented young defense in Seattle, or maybe the Pro Bowl quarterback, Pro Bowl runningback, and Pro Bowl receivers in St. Louis, or maybe the third year quarterback, Pro Bowl runningback, and no receivers in San Francisco? Add a little dash of having to start Trent Dilfer. . .how does that effect your choice? The fact is, for all the hype surrounding the 49ers, they still don't have many pieces and they're banged up, but they've got two wins and they almost had a third on Sunday, and who knows what happens after their bye? Don't measure Nolan against the hype, measure him against reality, and you'll find he's a pretty damn good coach.
Mike Holmgren has been a great coach for a long time, and his teams will always have a chance to win. The Seahawks are also one of the most over-rated teams in the NFL, an undercover stinker, and look to me like a team that needs to be blown up and rebuilt. They got destroyed on Sunday in a game they were never a part of, and they're losing ground to the previously bottom-dwelling competition in their division. I still think Homgren is a hell of a coach, but it may be time to put the Habitat for Humanity hats on in Seattle, and rebuild that mofo.
What can you say about Scott Linehan? The Rams are a soft-ass core of players trying to squeeze a last competitive gasp out of their tired and cracked frame before the wheels come shooting off and the whole thing blows up. Except that the wheels are already in a ditch about 8 miles back and the flaming wreckage is just skidding down the road shooting up sparks while pieces go flying into the faces of terrified onlookers. Linehan got this job two years too soon. The Rams core needs to be rebuilt, and Linehan was unlucky enough to take the reigns when there was still some hope they might be able to piece together a run. He's a young coach who ought to be perfect for a rebuilding phase, but he'll never get the chance, and that's a shame.
AFC East
Obviously Bill Belichick is the best coach in the AFC East. He's also the best coach in the AFC, and the best coach in the NFL. He's probably the best coach in the NBA, too. The fact is, the AFC East is an awful division, with only one truly good coach, and he's it. Comparing him to the other guys coaching in this division is laughable. Compared to what Belichick is doing, these other guys aren't even coaching, they're motivating. You know who motivates? Personal trainers motivate. Motivational speakers motivate. Belichick coaches, the other guys are drill sergeants.
Against all odds, Dick Jauron is the next best thing in the AFC East. He's putting a very professional team out there, and it's very possible that a significant number of players on his roster are actually cardboard cut-outs. The Bills played an almost entirely unrecognizable group on Monday against the Cowboys, and Jauron called a hell of a game. He cut his special teams loose and they executed a successful fake punt in the first quarter. His rookie quarterback successfully managed the game and kept his team in it. His defense did it's very best, and for most of the game looked like they had the Cowboys' number. His team played inspired ball and he deserves a lot of credit. I'm excited to see what this team can do when they're totally healthy. Or maybe even a little bit healthy.
I'm putting Eric Mangini third, and only because I have to. "Mangina" has pretty consistently crapped the bed this year, in one man's opinion. I think he's a good coach, but man, he needs to act like it. Jesus Christ. Run the damn ball. You have a lousy quarterback and you spent a bundle on a free agent tailback in the off-season. Run the damn ball. I think some of these ex-New England coaches get so caught up in being brilliant they forget to just do successfully the little things you have to do to win football games. And when I talk about "some of these ex-New England coaches" really I'm talking about Mangina. And no, I'm not going to stop calling him "Mangina" until his team is back above .500. And if you don't get it yet, start thinking about the female anatomy, and then think of Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs. The dance sequence. You know the one. We'll call it "The Tuck Rule".
How can Cam Cameron not be last on this list? First of all, his team is a friggin' disaster and that ought to be enough. But Cameron enthusiastically recruited Trent Green to come to Miami. Let's rephrase that for maximum effect: Cameron enthusiastically courted a 37 year old quarterback coming off a major concussion that caused him to miss more than half the year to come to a team with a poor offense. An old, lousy team that needs to rebuild. Then he drafted Ted Ginn Jr.! I can't go on, this guy stinks something awful, and he looks like an asshole.
AFC North
This is another easy one for me, but I have to admit that I think this is a division stocked with very good head coaches. Mike Tomlin is the best right now. He's getting the most out of his team, and this was not an easy job to take. He's following a coaching legend in Pittsburgh, he's the second youngest head coach in the NFL, and this is a team with Super Bowl aspirations. He's doing a hell of a job, and this division is no cake walk. In fact, their schedule has been no cake walk. Go Steelers.
To hell with it, I'm going with Romeo Motherfuckin' Crennel next. I knew this guy was going to be a good head coach, I'm thrilled they didn't fire him. He had a huge job to do in Cleveland, changing every part of the attitude of the franchise, and doing it while holding onto some very high draft picks this team invested in players who may or may not have been spoiled by the constant losing. They spanked an inner-state and division foe, they took it to the piece-of-shit and also division foe Ravens, and they played as tough as anyone against the Pats. He's doing a hell of a job, yes he is.
I still think Brian Billick is a good head coach, but there's less evidence to support that claim than ever before. His team is above .500 and hasn't imploded yet. He's won most of the games he was supposed to win and he's done it with a pretty weak offensive unit. On the other hand, isn't Billick supposed to have figured out how to make this a good offensive unit by now? He's supposed to be an offensive genius. He might be a genius, and his team sure is offensive, so there's that. I can't see Brian Billick at the helm of a team that consistently loses, and I have to give the guy some credit for putting winners on the field regardless of the strength of their offensive personnel, but at some point, he's got to figure out a way to put a team out there that can score some points.
I really want to like Marvin Lewis, I really do. I root for his team pretty shamelessly. I want to think he's a good coach, but his team is not playing well at all this year, and has dropped a few games they really ought to have won. They need to come back from this bye week looking ferocious and competitive, not bitchy and sissy-fied, and if they do look like shit, I might have to throw in the towel on ol' Marvin. He's got an elite quarterback and elite receivers. He's even got a stud running back, and there's plenty of talent on that defense. They look disjointed and fractured, like a soft-ass silver-spoon team that isn't getting what it wants. They expect more than they've earned, and that comes back to Lewis not keeping them focused on the opponent in front of them. C'mon Marvin! Get it going!
AFC South
Maybe this isn't the popular opinion, maybe it is, but I think Jeff Fisher is the top coach in this division. He might be the second best coach in the NFL. You just had to know he was going to prove it a good decision to keep him through the rebuilding phase in Tennessee. With a young quarterback, no receivers, average running backs (at best), and an undistinguished defensive unit, he's got a team that competes against every opponent and will win more than they lose. That's a hell of a coach, right there. He gets the nod over Dungy because anybody would take the Colts players over the Titans, and dammit, I just like him a lot.
That said, Tony Dungy is a great NFL head coach, and always has been. He's the third best coach in the NFL in my opinion, and it's a pretty close race. His Indianapolis team is DOMINATING opponents, plus they're banged up, and they have had none of the sideline bullshit or hooplah that the other top teams have had this season. He's a true professional, and it's reflected in the professionalism of his team. They out-think their opponents during the week, then out-play and out-execute them on the field. I can't wait for the Pats-Colts showdown later this year. That should be a hell of a game.
That's right, motherfuckers, I'm taking Gary Kubiak here. He has transformed the dysfunctional Texans into a tough, competitive team. They've been hit as hard as anyone with injuries, and they keep on moving the ball and putting themselves in position to win. Schaub was a great pickup. Their passing attack has continued to work even after losing Andre Johnson and Jacoby Jones, and then losing their top runningback. I think the days of the bottom-dwelling Texans are behind us. Houston is a tough, smart, physical team with a great head coach. The AFC South is the best coaching league in the NFL, except for that cock-sucking dipshit asshole . . .
Jack Del Rio, the devout coward of NFL coaches. Sells out his players, makes a spectacle of himself, and fields an inconsistent unit. Go ahead and wear a suit, you classless no-balls bastard, while your team holds LJ to 12 yards rushing one game, and gives up 200 yards on the ground to Lendale White and Chris Brown the next. I've got an idea, why not express confidence in your quarterback at one press conference, then dog him the next week, then name him the starter, then cut him out of the blue? Why not do that? Who wouldn't want a coach who undermines the confidence of his players? Congratulations on picking up two wins against the Chiefs and the Broncos, two of the saddest, most inept teams in all of football. Will somebody please fire this guy? Out of a cannon? Into the Sun?
AFC West
It's hard to know what to say about the "coaching" in this division. Lane Kiffin is obviously the best, and if you don't agree, you're a fucking moron. He might be the only guy with a pulse in this mockery of the NFL. Who is better? I dare you to say Norv Turner, or Mike Shanahan, or if you really want to embarrass yourself, Herm Edwards? Give me a break. Kiffin's bunch has gone out there with their pants on straight, which is more than you can say for the rest of these absolute horrors of head coaching.
Where to turn next? I guess it has to be Mike Shanahan, but my God, surely there's a better NFL head coach cleaning the urinals at the local gas station, right? Or maybe drinking out of the toilet? I used to really like Shanahan, but man is that one bad team he's putting out there. They couldn't stop their noses from running. Good pickup there, on the whole Travis Henry thing, by the way. Hey, after he's suspended for the year and the courts are docking his pay for child support, maybe you could sign Lawrence Phillips as his replacement! Why not? You're a pretty arrogant guy, anybody can run in your system, right? I think Shanahan is cooked in Denver.
Oh hell, where do you go from here? Picking either of these guys means that one of them is a better head coach than another head coach in the NFL, and that's really not a statement I'm inclined to make. If I must, I'm taking Norv Turner. Why? Because I like the guy. Because he doesn't have an impressive resume of mortifying press conferences under his belt. Because he didn't spend an off-season embarrassing himself on HBO. Because he isn't fielding the worst team in the NFL. Because he didn't stop giving the ball to Larry Johnson after 9 carries. He's a real nugget, to be sure, but he ain't Herm Edwards. We may be whores, but we ain't horses.
I'm not sure it gets worse than Herm Edwards. If I had to pick between Herm Edwards and Jack Del Rio to coach the Skins, I might contract the organization. I don't think Herm Edwards has ever caused his team to win in the NFL. I think he's the Trent Dilfer of head coaches; the best he can do is not cause his team to lose, and his record ain't all that good. I was under the impression that he was being brought in to Kansas City to help a good team get better, not make them the laughing stock of the NFL, not guarantee a top 5 pick in the draft for years to come, not turn them into a dysfunctional organization that chases their beloved quarterback out of town, loses their star runningback for all of training camp, and fields an offense so anemic that viewers are offended when they actually score against the Jaguars at home. Edwards is a terrible head coach. His coaching ladder should have stopped at special teams.
There you have it, folks. Week 6 picks are coming later.
Houston 22 Miami 19
My Pick: Houston 24 Miami 13
To hell with Trent Green, and to hell with Rich Eisen and Steve Zaban, and anyone else that has anything to say about Travis Johnson's reaction to the play that probably ended Trent Green's career as a starting NFL quarterback. To be perfectly honest, I respect a quarterback that is willing to toss his body into a 300 pound defensive player to try to spring his teammate. What Trent Green did, on the other hand, was launch himself at the knees of another player, who could never have seen him coming, in what should be called a horribly dirty play, and WOULD be called a horribly dirty play if not for A) the fact that everyone is all boner-fied over Trent Green, who is a useless turd, by the way, and B) the result of the play: a well-deserved concussion for Green, and C) the fact that it's now fashionable for sports-talkers to go all Joe Buck every time a black athlete does anything but march off the field like a marine at the end of a play or even DARES to express an unpopular opinion. Did Travis Johnson perhaps say more than he needed to after the game? Sure, but can you fault him for that? This isn't about his career flashing before his eyes, that happens to these guys at least once a game. This was about an opposing player taking a cheap, wreckless, dirty, and inexcusable low-blow that only through the grace of God didn't ruin Johnson's knees and end his career. The fact that Green suffered a massive concussion is in no way Johnson's fault, and I see no reason why Johnson shouldn't be forgiven for first reacting on the field, which is just plain beyond reproach, or still being furious in the post-game. I'm sick of the whole Trent Green thing. I swear no one has gotten over the fact that this guy hurt his legs YEARS ago while playing for mushy cry-baby Dick Vermeil, and he's been coasting on good feelings ever since. He's been another washed up Rich Gannon of a quarterback for a while now, and he needs to get the hell out of the NFL. Cam Cameron is also an idiot, while I'm piling on. Also, I came pretty close on this one.
Jacksonville 17 Kansas City 7
My Pick: Jacksonville 20 Kansas City 17
If you're a Chiefs fan, you just went from absurdly and inexplicably confident in your absolute train-wreck of a team, to sitting at your desk with a thousand-yard-stare as you contemplate spending the next 5 years rebuilding from the bottom of the second worst division in the NFL under Herm Edwards. This team has to be really concerned about the lack of production they're getting from Larry Johnson. I no longer think this is just about teams loading the box and disrespecting the anemic passing game of the Chiefs; I think LJ is burned out from last year. I honestly think this guy would be better off if he'd tweaked something in the off-season and had to sit out, or if he'd held out for longer. Seriously, 12 yards rushing in a game? You don't explain that away as a defensive scheme, and Herm Edwards is not the guy that is going to find a creative way to get his horse going, nor is he going to pull a Michael Turner out of his hat. This team is every bit as awful as I said they were, and the fact that they pulled off 2 wins in their terrible, TERRIBLE division doesn't change a thing.
NY Giants 35 NY Jets 24
My Pick: NY Giants 28 NY Jets 20
I was a little warm this weekend, and not only because it's like Indian Global Warming here in October. I nailed this game. You know what? Eli Manning is a good friggin' quarterback. That guy could line up under center for my team any day of the week. You know what else? Chad Pennington is a fraud. He dinks and dunks all day, which makes his completion percentage look good, and as soon as he tries to go down field, BLAM, someone wearing a different jersey is racing the other way with the ball. We'll explore this theme a little later, but in the case of the Jets, this team stinks and it's high time they started thinking about the future. They obviously wasted the off-season on Thomas Jones, and not because he isn't a good runner, but because "Mangina" just refuses to commit to the run. Maybe he's too much of a genius to run the ball. You must be one smart customer to make one key acquisition in the off-season and then bury the guy behind your mediocre passing "attack". In other news, don't look for the wild-card to come out of the horribly depressing AFC East.
Carolina 16 New Orleans 13
My Pick: New Orleans 31 Carolina 21
Yikes. I can't say enough how much this stinks for the Saints franchise. 0-3 and coming off of a bye week against a team that was starting their dreadful backup quarterback and then had to go to their THIRD STRING quarterback, an undrafted rookie who was cut in the off-season by his first team, and the Saints had 'em at home. This is a lousy Carolina team that has no offensive identity or rhythm and an under-performing defense, and the Saints came out flat, couldn't establish anything, and in a game where their terrible defense only gave up 16 points and only one touchdown, they still found a way to lose. If I'm doing power rankings of all 32 NFL teams, the Saints go right at the bottom. Drew Brees chucked another pair of interceptions, by the way, and though I didn't have the pleasure of watching these with my own eyes, I'd be willing to bet the farm this guy was dancing in the pocket with an ugly, tense look on his face. He hit 29 of 47 passes for 252 yards, and if your name is David Carr or Trent Edwards, those might be good numbers. Folks, that's just over 5 yards an attempt, and only about 8 yards a completion. That stinks. Those are crap numbers, Chad Pennington numbers. I said after week 3 that Drew Brees is playing terrible football, and nothing he did Sunday afternoon changed my mind.
New England 34 Cleveland 17
My Pick: New England 41 Cleveland 10
Well, I nailed this one two, and if you have any kind of working brain in your head, so did you. Cleveland gets a little credit for putting 17 points on the board, and Derek Anderson gets a little credit for coming back from his 3 picks and tossing 2 scores. I like the Browns, they're a good team. They didn't get thumped any worse than any of New England's other opponents this season, and I don't know if that is something to be proud of, but it might be something to take away from a loss. What can you say about New England? They haven't been tested, and there's an argument to be made that they haven't really faced anyone yet, but they are definitely doing what great teams ought to do, which is not just beat the teams you're supposed to beat, but crush and demoralize them. The scoreboard ought to reflect how much better you are than your opponent, and in the case of New England, it sure has.
Washington 34 Detroit 3
My Pick: Washington 28 Detroit 27
There's too much to say about this game for me to even try to say anything significant at all. The Redskins looked absolutely great, they dominated every part of the game on every part of the field. They also broadcast the blueprint for shutting down a Mike Martz offense. This was the most one-sided game of the season so far, and anyone who watched it knows it's true. I hope the Redskins are this good. If they are, they will win the NFC East and play in the NFC Championship. Jason Campbell is another QB who threw for a good percentage on Sunday, but the difference was he was throwing the ball down the field, averaging over 8 yards an attempt and over 10 yards a completion. Kitna didn't look bad so much as he looked beat up. He threw a pop-up, punt of an interception to Sean Taylor in the third quarter that looked for all the world like Kitna was a guy that just didn't want to take another big hit. Every drop back and every throw, all game long, Kitna was getting hit and dropped, and that might have been one of maybe 2 times all game when he didn't finish his throwing motion from the seat of his pants. At some point, Rod Marinelli and Martz need to take their quarterback's protection seriously. I know everyone gushes over the the Martz system, which racks up yards and points and depends on the quarterback being decisive and willing to take a lick in the pocket, but seriously, he's KOing his second quarterback in the last 5 years, and in both cases he had teams that were talented enough to win a lot of games. It would be a shame if the Lions flamed out because their offensive coordinator's ego is too large to run the ball or protect the quarterback. The Redskins defense looks really scary right now. They have probably the most physical secondary in football, and their linebackers can REALLY run and tackle. They played the Denver style from a few years back, when the Broncos would only rush their front four and drop the other 7 guys deep in coverage, keep everything in front of them, and fly to the ball. The Redskins don't have the pass-rushers those Broncos did, but if they can get anything like a consistent pass rush from their front-four, that could be a great style for them to return to.
Tennessee 20 Atlanta 13
My Pick: Tennessee 30 Atlanta 14
It was a real shame that Petrino pulled Joey Harrington for Byron Leftwich. Can you believe I just said that? But seriously, Joey has been pretty much the only thing going for the Falcons offense the last two weeks, I can't see pulling him like that. Then Petrino gets called out by Alge Crumpler after the game for his play-calling. You could say my confidence in Bobby Petrino as a head coach is waning. I don't believe in taking college head coaches and making them pro head coaches. I don't believe it works, and I kinda think this guy sucks. He's alienating his players when they should be rallying under these circumstances, and he expressed no confidence in the one offensive player who seems to be succeeding at all in his new offense. Start the death clock on Bobby Petrino's NFL coaching career. I see him at the University of Tennessee in 2009. The Titans keep on finding ways to win, in this case in spite of some erratic play from Vince Young, who, may I remind everyone, is still basically playing his first season of NFL football. Jeff Fisher is a hell of a coach. I think I'll say that every week from now on.
Arizona 34 St. Louis 31
My Pick: Arizona 38 St. Louis 10
Honestly, it was good to see St. Louis get up off the mat and actually muster a little competitive spirit in this one. Arizona needs to learn to squish teams like this when they have the chance, and playing a game against a team without their quarterback, top runner, second receiver, and their entire starting o-line, you really have that chance. St. Louis had no business competing in this one, but I think a lot of the reason for the competitiveness of this game comes down to the Rams playing pretty loose at home with a team of subs, and Arizona looking right past them. The Cardinals are a young team, I guess you'd expect that of them. But they got the win and are looking good in their weak division, and they managed to solve their quarterback situation to boot. Against all odds, I like Matt Leinart, but it looks like he's done for this year. Kurt Warner makes an interesting fantasy option, until he invariably implodes after his first Martz/Giants flashbacks start hitting.
Pittsburgh 21 Seattle 0
My Pick: Pittsburgh 17 Seattle 13
Wow, I don't know what to say about this one. I caught this one on Live Gamecast on ESPN, only I was certain they were experiencing some kind of glitch where all of Seattle's possessions were being credited to the Steelers. Seattle was never in this game at all, not even for a moment, and they look like real frauds right now. Sean Alexander is so over-rated, and as much as I need Matt Hasselbeck to perform well for my fantasy team, he is not a quarterback that is going to lift his team up and carry them through a bad performance. He's really more of a bystander, a good-samaritan that comes in and helps the efforts of the pros but is no expert. This is how you rebound from a disappointing loss, by wiping out a "playoff caliber" opponent and dominating both sides of the ball. I really like Mike Tomlin, and I have to say Ben Roethlisberger is really looking like a big time quarterback to me. Am I the last guy in America that was truly sold on Big Ben? Probably. I definitely still say the Steelers are the third best team in the NFL right now.
Indianapolis 33 Tampa Bay 14
My Pick: Indianapolis 20 Tampa Bay 16
Strange though it may sound, I don't think this game does anything to discourage Tampa fans. Indianapolis is a really good team, a deep team with loads of big-game experience. Tampa is a young team that has scratched and clawed their way to a winning record through mostly guts and good-coaching, and they are not as able to overcome big-time injuries as the Colts are. That is to be expected. Ernest Graham now has the backfield all to himself, but the Bucs need to be looking at free-agency as a way to add depth to their running game. Again, this is another example of an impressive win by the Colts, a game where they flex their muscles on a "contender". They definitely have the most impressive resume of the undefeated and 1-loss teams through 5 weeks. They ought to be a little worried about their depth right now, but they keep on dominating decent teams, and this one allowed them to get a little rest for some of their really important pieces. Strange, how Indianapolis has seemed so quiet through 5 weeks of great football, but the NFL seems to be pointed in another direction right now, with Dallas, New England, and Green Bay definitely getting a greater share of the attention.
Baltimore 9 San Francisco 7
My Pick: San Francisco 19 Baltimore 17
Mike Nolan really crapped the bed in this one. Scouts Inc. on ESPN commented that the 49ers set offensive football back 10 years on Sunday, and I'm inclined to agree. They never even tried to get things going. Trent Dilfer is the quarterback who famously "didn't lose games" en route to a Super Bowl victory for the Ravens. I'm sorry, but if you're the guy getting paid millions and millions of dollars to "not lose", well, that's a proud distinction to etch on your gravestone. Good enough to not shit the bed for his team. Here lies Trent, who never failed to let his teammates do enough to win a game. Nolan clearly let that go to his head, and instead of going out there to challenge their opponent and win a game, they went out there to steal a lead and hide it, and that's a crappy attitude to have going into a contest. Baltimore is a dreadful team, by the way. I'm a little sad about that. The 49ers did nothing, NOTHING in this game, but the Ravens only put up 3 field goals and barely took the victory. Maybe this is a return to form for a team that won it all by shutting down the other side and "not losing" the game on offense. If so, I won't be watching many Ravens games, I don't care how many they win. I pity the fools who paid good money to attend this one, between two teams whose offensive philosophies can be described as "letting the other guys lose" instead of "trying to win". How pathetic. Both teams should be fined for this crap.
San Diego 41 Denver 3
My Pick: Denver 27 San Diego 24
I couldn't be happier to have gotten this one wrong. I hope the Chargers have figured it out, and I hope everyone else has figured out that the Broncos are a terrible, ugly, hopeless fraud of a team that should be 0-5 right now. This could very well be the final year for Shanahan in Denver. The Broncos haven't put a team this ugly and unlikeable on the field in some time. The thing about the Shanahan system, on the other hand, is that he's always only a couple o' receivers and a consistent QB away from the playoffs, because they will always have success running the ball. On yet another hand, the entire NFL can run the ball with ease now, except the lowly Chiefs, so Shanahan hanging his hat on a dependable ground game might not cut it any longer. It was good to see the Chargers get it going. I was kind of wondering where Michael Turner had gone in the first four weeks. I know the Chargers were slinging a lot of baloney about keeping LT fresh for the second half and the playoffs, but that doesn't explain cutting into Turner's carries. They finally committed to the run in this game, took the game off of Philip River's shoulders (who is officially the AFC version of Tony Romo, in that he's wildly over-rated and a typical example of the sports media's general gayness over white quartebacks), and pounded an out-classed opponent. Keep it up, San Diego! The NFL ought to have at least ONE good west coast team.
Chicago 27 Green Bay 20
My Pick: Green Bay 14 Chicago 6
I'm glad to see Green Bay knocked from the ranks of the undefeated. They didn't belong in the discussion of great teams, which is not to say they didn't earn their 4-0 start and aren't the best team in their division. Look at who they beat, though: the Eagles, who look terrible; the Giants, who are terrible; San Diego, who may still be terrible and lost to the Chiefs, for the love of God; and the Vikings, who are so awful they're lucky they didn't lose on their bye week. The Packers ought to have won those games, and they did. They also should have beaten the Bears. There was no reason to let that team off the mat at all, and this is what separates teams that belong in the discussion from teams that do not. Indianapolis easily put Tampa Bay down even without MOST of their best players, while Green Bay gave this one away, at HOME, against a banged-up and struggling division foe that started their lousy backup QB. Green Bay will still likely make the playoffs, and I still think McCarthy is a really good head coach, but is this a great football team? No. No friggin' way. Also, what was Favre thinking on that interception? I think Brett is a little sack-shy. Lovie Smith is a good coach, you knew he'd get his team to play tough and find ways to win.
Dallas 25 Buffalo 24
My Pick: Dallas 35 Buffalo 10
I have so much to say about this game, but I'm only allowing myself four points.
1. This was the strangest game anyone has seen in a long time. My eyes, my guts, and my heart all told me the Bills were dominating the game, but my brain had something else to say about it entirely. They made a few big plays, but Dallas was all over them. That said, Dick Jauron coached a hell of a game, and his players deserve a big pat on the back. They should feel quite proud of the way they performed in this game. They did enough to win any game against any team, but this was one weird full-moon crazy-ass game, and the only break that mattered in the end just didn't go their way.
2. Will everyone PLEASE get off Tony Romo's jock now? My god, has anyone ever done less to earn the blubbering man-crush of the entire sports media in history? Tony Romo is a good player and a good quarterback. No, he is not great. No, he is not a top 10 quarterback. No, he is not the young Brett Favre. I just about puked all over my wife when John Madden took to calling Brett Favre the Old Tony Romo on Sunday night. Give me a goddamn break. This guy has started all of 15 games in the NFL, will everyone please just shut the fuck up?
3. I hate to say this, I really don't want to crap on the kid, but Trent Edwards lost the game for the Bills. Ron Jaworski may still be balls deep on Edwards manhood right now, and his completion percentage may seduce you into thinking he was a force, but he killed the Bills. This guy was 23 of 31 with only one pick and no TDs. That's just fine, except he only threw for 176 yards. That's just over 5 yards an ATTEMPT. That is terrible production from a quarterback, especially against a defense that has been quite weak against the pass. I know he's a rookie, I know he kept some drives alive and managed the game, and I applaud his maturity. I actually think he played pretty well for a guy making only his second career start, but sometimes rookies kill their team, even when they play about as well as you could expect them to play. He never moved the ball down the field, he never made the Cowboys respect the passing game, and in the end, the Bills offense NEVER SCORED.
4. Right before kickoff, when I was still beaming from my first halfway decent performance of the season in my fantasy league, I sent a nice little message to my league-mates. What did I say, BEFORE kickoff? "Screw Romo. I hope he throws six picks and loses a dozen fumbles." I shit you not. A couple of turds in my league have Romo, and who can blame them? But I needed him to have a bad game last night, and he delivered. I might just send him a six-pack. I was in AWE after the fourth pick in the first half. I should have wished for something big. I definitely should have played the lottery. This was even better than the Skins defense giving me an ungodly number of points against Detroit. What a weekend!
Ok, one more point. I will allow the Cowboys to stay in the discussion of great NFL teams. They came back and beat a team that had them on the ropes. It was a Kelly Pavlik-ian performance. But Dallas fans shouldn't be so warm and comfy right now, they almost blew one of the easiest games on their schedule, and now they have to rebound against the champion of the TRUE heavyweight division next Sunday when they host the Pats. Good luck, you bunch of pansies. Also, TO looked like he was this close to going Philadelphia-style in the fourth quarter. Keep an eye on it. He hasn't been real productive the last two weeks, and you know what happens when his number start to decline . . .
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Rather than rank all 32 NFL teams, I'd like to take a moment to rank all 32 NFL Head Coaches. No, even better, I'd like to take a look at each division, and rank the coaches within that division.
NFC East
Because I'm a big fat homer, I'm going to put Joe Gibbs on top. His team is 3-1, coming off an 11 loss season and starting a young quarterback. Plus, they destroyed a 3-1 opponent on Sunday, and made major improvements during their bye week. Hats off, Joe. I'll lay off for a week or so, but like all other Skins fans, the second things go poorly, I'll be riding your ass like Seabiscuit.
Wade Philips gets the nod at number two, but really, he could very easily be number one. Dallas is 5-0, and though they very nearly laid an egg against the very poor Bills on Sunday, that had a hell of a lot more to do with Tony Romo than it did with any coaching decisions by Philips. In fact, he coached a hell of a game, and his team pulled it out. Now, if they can come out tough against New England, we'll have the whole picture.
Though the Eagles are last in the division, I'm still looking at Andy Reid as third. He's coached his team to the Super Bowl and is a proven winner. He's also had to coach in the face of an injured quarterback and an injured superstar runningback. I give the Eagles a few weeks, they'll start to scare people again. They're not done.
Yes, Tom Coughlin is still the worst coach in this division. He still looks like a pissed-off and bewildered Tweety Bird on the sidelines, he still alienates his players and gets called out in the media, and his team is still a loss or two from a major blow-up. Tom Coughlin is not the last guy in the NFL I'd want to coach my team, but frankly, you wouldn't want to be confused for any of the guys behind him.
NFC North
For my money, Mike McCarthy is the best coach in the NFC North, but that ain't sayin' much. Well. . .nevermind, before we go there, let me first say that I think McCarthy is a hell of a coach. He's coaching to the strengths of his team, and though that might seem like the very least an NFL coach can do, it seems to be asking a lot of the current class of skippers. That talented, thoughtful coaches like McCarthy should have to share a title with dickless idiots like Jack Del Rio is a real shame.
Lovie Smith is also a good coach. Notice that his Bears teams have been tough in every game this year. Notice that they've been undone by the awful play of their quarterbacks. Lovie found a way to beat the previously undefeated Packers in Green Bay with a hideously awful quarterback under center. The Bears stink, but it isn't their coach. The Bears have had respectable game-plans in every contest so far this season.
You know, I kinda like Rod Marinelli. I'm not sure there was a worse situation to step into in the NFL than the head coach spot in Detroit before last season. The brutal man-rape at the hands of the Redskins aside, his team has fought hard and achieved a winning record this season, and with pretty much the same roster that went 3-13 last season. In fact, they've been without the services of their top back most of the way. Good for you, Rod.
Now, on the other hand, Brad Childress seems to be confused about his team's identity. The Vikings ought to be a stout defensive team with a smash-mouth offense. It's their only hope in hell. It took real guts to go with Tarvaris Jackson to start the year, and maybe that didn't work out so well. I don't know what Childress sees in Kelly Holcomb that no one else in NFL history has seen, but Holcomb is not the kind of quarterback that makes you want to take the ball out of the hands of your all-world rookie runningback and start heaving it around. Frankly, Holcomb is a loser, and if he's in the game for your team, well your team is in a heap of trouble. I hope Childress is using the bye to shore that up.
NFC South
I'm happy to report that Jon Gruden is still the best coach in the NFC South. In truth, I'd always hoped it to be true, though I'm a big fan of John Fox and Sean Payton. It seems the number one thing Gruden does with his teams is infuse them with a bit of attitude, a little toughness that shows up in their play, and if I give the guy credit for one other thing, it's his ability to find a quarterback that inspires that toughness on the field. Let's be honest here; there aren't more than 3 offensive players on the Bucs that any other team in the NFL would give up any draft pick for, but they find a way to compete and win.
As I said, I'm a big fan of John Fox, and I want to believe he's a great coach, and I'm giving him a fan-boy bump because his team is above .500. His teams are awfully up-and-down, and the Panthers are often the most frustrating team in the NFL. They won an important game on Sunday, and they did it while having to rely on the services of their third string quarterback, and seriously, they have probably the worst second string quarterback in all the land. When are the Panthers going to get a running game? When are they going to get a second receiver? When is their defense going to consistently perform? We demand answers!
These next two were tough calls, and in the end I had to penalize the rookie and give a point to the guy whose team played for the NFC Championship in 2006. Sean Payton has a piss-poor team on his hands this year, and they're in a lot of trouble. The fact that he failed to prepare his team adequately enough to beat Carolina, coming off a bye week and playing at home and in DESPERATE need of a victory, is a bad omen. The fact that this team has taken a big step backward, the fact that his Pro Bowl quarterback looks like a hideous, embarrassing turd out there, and the fact that he can't coach north and south into his superstar tailback are all bad omens. I want to like this guy. I want it to all work out. I'm crossing my fingers.
Nothing turns me off a coach like said coach betraying, selling out, or hosing one of his players, and that's what happened on Sunday in Atlanta. Bobby Petrino shit all over Joey Harrington, and in my book, that's a classless, disloyal move. Harrington has been the only guy with a pulse among Petrino's offensive skill position players, and the fact that he benched him in favor of a guy who hasn't been in town long enough to know his way to the stadium tells me he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. I'm not rah-rah-ing for Petrino, not until he pulls his head out of his ass. His team isn't competing for the playoffs. Frankly, as I told my brother on Sunday, the Falcons are only out there because they're on the schedule. After the Vick fiasco this summer, Arthur Blank would have gladly shut his team down for the season to avoid the embarrassing spectacle. They're on the books to play, so they're playing, and Petrino ought to not throw these poor bastards under a bus when they have a sore moment. Harrington has earned the right to have a poor game, I don't care if Joe friggin' Montana is sitting on the bench. It's disloyal. He burned his guy, and that's bullshit.
NFC West
Frankly, this was an easy call. Ken Wisenhunt is the class of the NFC West. Arizona is a franchise that still has losing in it's bones. Wisenhunt has coached this team to victories, and they're something of a force on both sides of the ball. He juggled his QBs, and though that might be questionable according to conventional tactics, it friggin' worked, so maybe we can all shut the hell up about it. The Cards ought to be in the playoffs this year.
Mike Nolan, for as bad as his team played on Sunday, deserves a little credit. Look at it this way: which roster would YOU rather have? The Pro Bowl quarterback, record-setting runningback, Super Bowl MVP receiver, and talented young defense in Seattle, or maybe the Pro Bowl quarterback, Pro Bowl runningback, and Pro Bowl receivers in St. Louis, or maybe the third year quarterback, Pro Bowl runningback, and no receivers in San Francisco? Add a little dash of having to start Trent Dilfer. . .how does that effect your choice? The fact is, for all the hype surrounding the 49ers, they still don't have many pieces and they're banged up, but they've got two wins and they almost had a third on Sunday, and who knows what happens after their bye? Don't measure Nolan against the hype, measure him against reality, and you'll find he's a pretty damn good coach.
Mike Holmgren has been a great coach for a long time, and his teams will always have a chance to win. The Seahawks are also one of the most over-rated teams in the NFL, an undercover stinker, and look to me like a team that needs to be blown up and rebuilt. They got destroyed on Sunday in a game they were never a part of, and they're losing ground to the previously bottom-dwelling competition in their division. I still think Homgren is a hell of a coach, but it may be time to put the Habitat for Humanity hats on in Seattle, and rebuild that mofo.
What can you say about Scott Linehan? The Rams are a soft-ass core of players trying to squeeze a last competitive gasp out of their tired and cracked frame before the wheels come shooting off and the whole thing blows up. Except that the wheels are already in a ditch about 8 miles back and the flaming wreckage is just skidding down the road shooting up sparks while pieces go flying into the faces of terrified onlookers. Linehan got this job two years too soon. The Rams core needs to be rebuilt, and Linehan was unlucky enough to take the reigns when there was still some hope they might be able to piece together a run. He's a young coach who ought to be perfect for a rebuilding phase, but he'll never get the chance, and that's a shame.
AFC East
Obviously Bill Belichick is the best coach in the AFC East. He's also the best coach in the AFC, and the best coach in the NFL. He's probably the best coach in the NBA, too. The fact is, the AFC East is an awful division, with only one truly good coach, and he's it. Comparing him to the other guys coaching in this division is laughable. Compared to what Belichick is doing, these other guys aren't even coaching, they're motivating. You know who motivates? Personal trainers motivate. Motivational speakers motivate. Belichick coaches, the other guys are drill sergeants.
Against all odds, Dick Jauron is the next best thing in the AFC East. He's putting a very professional team out there, and it's very possible that a significant number of players on his roster are actually cardboard cut-outs. The Bills played an almost entirely unrecognizable group on Monday against the Cowboys, and Jauron called a hell of a game. He cut his special teams loose and they executed a successful fake punt in the first quarter. His rookie quarterback successfully managed the game and kept his team in it. His defense did it's very best, and for most of the game looked like they had the Cowboys' number. His team played inspired ball and he deserves a lot of credit. I'm excited to see what this team can do when they're totally healthy. Or maybe even a little bit healthy.
I'm putting Eric Mangini third, and only because I have to. "Mangina" has pretty consistently crapped the bed this year, in one man's opinion. I think he's a good coach, but man, he needs to act like it. Jesus Christ. Run the damn ball. You have a lousy quarterback and you spent a bundle on a free agent tailback in the off-season. Run the damn ball. I think some of these ex-New England coaches get so caught up in being brilliant they forget to just do successfully the little things you have to do to win football games. And when I talk about "some of these ex-New England coaches" really I'm talking about Mangina. And no, I'm not going to stop calling him "Mangina" until his team is back above .500. And if you don't get it yet, start thinking about the female anatomy, and then think of Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs. The dance sequence. You know the one. We'll call it "The Tuck Rule".
How can Cam Cameron not be last on this list? First of all, his team is a friggin' disaster and that ought to be enough. But Cameron enthusiastically recruited Trent Green to come to Miami. Let's rephrase that for maximum effect: Cameron enthusiastically courted a 37 year old quarterback coming off a major concussion that caused him to miss more than half the year to come to a team with a poor offense. An old, lousy team that needs to rebuild. Then he drafted Ted Ginn Jr.! I can't go on, this guy stinks something awful, and he looks like an asshole.
AFC North
This is another easy one for me, but I have to admit that I think this is a division stocked with very good head coaches. Mike Tomlin is the best right now. He's getting the most out of his team, and this was not an easy job to take. He's following a coaching legend in Pittsburgh, he's the second youngest head coach in the NFL, and this is a team with Super Bowl aspirations. He's doing a hell of a job, and this division is no cake walk. In fact, their schedule has been no cake walk. Go Steelers.
To hell with it, I'm going with Romeo Motherfuckin' Crennel next. I knew this guy was going to be a good head coach, I'm thrilled they didn't fire him. He had a huge job to do in Cleveland, changing every part of the attitude of the franchise, and doing it while holding onto some very high draft picks this team invested in players who may or may not have been spoiled by the constant losing. They spanked an inner-state and division foe, they took it to the piece-of-shit and also division foe Ravens, and they played as tough as anyone against the Pats. He's doing a hell of a job, yes he is.
I still think Brian Billick is a good head coach, but there's less evidence to support that claim than ever before. His team is above .500 and hasn't imploded yet. He's won most of the games he was supposed to win and he's done it with a pretty weak offensive unit. On the other hand, isn't Billick supposed to have figured out how to make this a good offensive unit by now? He's supposed to be an offensive genius. He might be a genius, and his team sure is offensive, so there's that. I can't see Brian Billick at the helm of a team that consistently loses, and I have to give the guy some credit for putting winners on the field regardless of the strength of their offensive personnel, but at some point, he's got to figure out a way to put a team out there that can score some points.
I really want to like Marvin Lewis, I really do. I root for his team pretty shamelessly. I want to think he's a good coach, but his team is not playing well at all this year, and has dropped a few games they really ought to have won. They need to come back from this bye week looking ferocious and competitive, not bitchy and sissy-fied, and if they do look like shit, I might have to throw in the towel on ol' Marvin. He's got an elite quarterback and elite receivers. He's even got a stud running back, and there's plenty of talent on that defense. They look disjointed and fractured, like a soft-ass silver-spoon team that isn't getting what it wants. They expect more than they've earned, and that comes back to Lewis not keeping them focused on the opponent in front of them. C'mon Marvin! Get it going!
AFC South
Maybe this isn't the popular opinion, maybe it is, but I think Jeff Fisher is the top coach in this division. He might be the second best coach in the NFL. You just had to know he was going to prove it a good decision to keep him through the rebuilding phase in Tennessee. With a young quarterback, no receivers, average running backs (at best), and an undistinguished defensive unit, he's got a team that competes against every opponent and will win more than they lose. That's a hell of a coach, right there. He gets the nod over Dungy because anybody would take the Colts players over the Titans, and dammit, I just like him a lot.
That said, Tony Dungy is a great NFL head coach, and always has been. He's the third best coach in the NFL in my opinion, and it's a pretty close race. His Indianapolis team is DOMINATING opponents, plus they're banged up, and they have had none of the sideline bullshit or hooplah that the other top teams have had this season. He's a true professional, and it's reflected in the professionalism of his team. They out-think their opponents during the week, then out-play and out-execute them on the field. I can't wait for the Pats-Colts showdown later this year. That should be a hell of a game.
That's right, motherfuckers, I'm taking Gary Kubiak here. He has transformed the dysfunctional Texans into a tough, competitive team. They've been hit as hard as anyone with injuries, and they keep on moving the ball and putting themselves in position to win. Schaub was a great pickup. Their passing attack has continued to work even after losing Andre Johnson and Jacoby Jones, and then losing their top runningback. I think the days of the bottom-dwelling Texans are behind us. Houston is a tough, smart, physical team with a great head coach. The AFC South is the best coaching league in the NFL, except for that cock-sucking dipshit asshole . . .
Jack Del Rio, the devout coward of NFL coaches. Sells out his players, makes a spectacle of himself, and fields an inconsistent unit. Go ahead and wear a suit, you classless no-balls bastard, while your team holds LJ to 12 yards rushing one game, and gives up 200 yards on the ground to Lendale White and Chris Brown the next. I've got an idea, why not express confidence in your quarterback at one press conference, then dog him the next week, then name him the starter, then cut him out of the blue? Why not do that? Who wouldn't want a coach who undermines the confidence of his players? Congratulations on picking up two wins against the Chiefs and the Broncos, two of the saddest, most inept teams in all of football. Will somebody please fire this guy? Out of a cannon? Into the Sun?
AFC West
It's hard to know what to say about the "coaching" in this division. Lane Kiffin is obviously the best, and if you don't agree, you're a fucking moron. He might be the only guy with a pulse in this mockery of the NFL. Who is better? I dare you to say Norv Turner, or Mike Shanahan, or if you really want to embarrass yourself, Herm Edwards? Give me a break. Kiffin's bunch has gone out there with their pants on straight, which is more than you can say for the rest of these absolute horrors of head coaching.
Where to turn next? I guess it has to be Mike Shanahan, but my God, surely there's a better NFL head coach cleaning the urinals at the local gas station, right? Or maybe drinking out of the toilet? I used to really like Shanahan, but man is that one bad team he's putting out there. They couldn't stop their noses from running. Good pickup there, on the whole Travis Henry thing, by the way. Hey, after he's suspended for the year and the courts are docking his pay for child support, maybe you could sign Lawrence Phillips as his replacement! Why not? You're a pretty arrogant guy, anybody can run in your system, right? I think Shanahan is cooked in Denver.
Oh hell, where do you go from here? Picking either of these guys means that one of them is a better head coach than another head coach in the NFL, and that's really not a statement I'm inclined to make. If I must, I'm taking Norv Turner. Why? Because I like the guy. Because he doesn't have an impressive resume of mortifying press conferences under his belt. Because he didn't spend an off-season embarrassing himself on HBO. Because he isn't fielding the worst team in the NFL. Because he didn't stop giving the ball to Larry Johnson after 9 carries. He's a real nugget, to be sure, but he ain't Herm Edwards. We may be whores, but we ain't horses.
I'm not sure it gets worse than Herm Edwards. If I had to pick between Herm Edwards and Jack Del Rio to coach the Skins, I might contract the organization. I don't think Herm Edwards has ever caused his team to win in the NFL. I think he's the Trent Dilfer of head coaches; the best he can do is not cause his team to lose, and his record ain't all that good. I was under the impression that he was being brought in to Kansas City to help a good team get better, not make them the laughing stock of the NFL, not guarantee a top 5 pick in the draft for years to come, not turn them into a dysfunctional organization that chases their beloved quarterback out of town, loses their star runningback for all of training camp, and fields an offense so anemic that viewers are offended when they actually score against the Jaguars at home. Edwards is a terrible head coach. His coaching ladder should have stopped at special teams.
There you have it, folks. Week 6 picks are coming later.
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