How does a losing loser with no balls react to a putrid 11-19 stretch over the last two weeks? Does he do something truly heroic and flip a coin for each matchup? No, he bitches out and picks all but three home teams. Now for the picks:
Miami @ Houston
I could sum up my rationale for this pick by simply pointing out that the Texans are at home, but that would be bitchy and annoying. I prefer the Texans to the Dolphins, and the Dolphins are 0-4. Therefore, I am taking Miami. See how I've turned into a goddamn woman in two weeks?
Texans over Dolphins, 24-13 I can't stand the Dolphins. I think Cam Cameron is a turd, Trent Green is a washed-up, never-that-good-in-the-first-place disaster, and the Dolphins need a big-time rebuilding. And new uniforms, for God's sake.
Jacksonville @ Kansas City
This is the match-up of phony head-coaches and the poor son-of-a-bitches who have to play for them. I considered going with the coach who I dislike more, but decided I need to stay away from making the emotional picks. Then I thought I'd go with the home team, but reconsidered, thinking that maybe I'd allow myself just a bit of freedom. I took a look at the two teams and thought about which team I'd pick if my life depended on the outcome of the game. I have to take the Jags. Screw you, Del Rio.
Jaguars over Chiefs, 20-17 Oooh, I just finished typing that, and I got the feeling. I don't know what I'll do if (when) the Chiefs are 3-2.
New York Jets @ New York Giants
Ah yes, the old mutual home-game these two lucky teams get to play every so often. Nevertheless, I'm going with the home team (yuk yuk yuk). Besides, I think the Giants are more talented. Hell, Plaxico Burress is more talented all by himself, and the Jets can't muster a pass rush at all. I'm having a hard time with the fact that I just picked Tom Coughlin one paragraph after picking Jack Del Rio. I need a shower. And some steel wool.
Giants over Jets, 28-20
Carolina @ New Orleans
Ok, I'm going out on a limb here, and it doesn't feel good. I hope New Orleans is better than their record. I hope Drew Brees isn't the tap-dancing turkey I saw in week 3. I hope Sean Payton has figured out what was ailing his team. I'm not saying the Saints are playoff-bound, but surely they must be better than they've played so far, right? They do have a Pro Bowl quarterback, a Heisman winning tailback, an NFC Championship quality something-or-other. Well, at least they're at home.
Saints over Panthers, 31-21
Cleveland @ New England
I'm only picking them because they're at home, ok? A man has got to have principals he lives by.
Patriots over Browns, 41-10
Detroit @ Washington
I'm taking the home team. And I'm a homer. Detroit is a scary team. Washington is only a year removed from being the worst defense in the NFL, and they still haven't really figured out their pass rush issues. Kitna has put up incredible numbers despite being sacked an ungodly number of times, imagine what he could do against a team that can't muster much pressure. Yikes.
Redskins over Lions, 28-27 The Redskins will need to score 28 points to win this game. I'm not sure they can do it without Santana Moss (who may not play), and Clinton Portis (who may not play). Yikes, I say.
Atlanta @ Tennessee
I just friggin' like the Titans a lot more than the Falcons, and I can't handle another exciting "quality" team falling to another toilet-snake, roadkill team. I'm sick of it. Tennessee should win this game, I don't care if they play it in Arthur Blank's swimming pool. It helps that they're at home.
Titans over Falcons, 30-14 That's a lot of scoring for the Titans, but they move the ball really well and showed that they can force turnovers against the Saints. Plus I'm excited to see what Jeff Fisher did with his team during the bye. I trust him to prepare.
Arizona @ St. Louis
Sooner or later, the Rams are bound to win a game. I don't think it will be against the Cardinals, but the Cards are primed for a boner after their emotional win against the Steelers. I'm making an exception to my "go with the home team" rule, and it smells like bullshit in the making. Screw it.
Cardinals over Rams, 38-10 I think the Rams will find the endzone in this game, and it won't be Dante Hall. They played one of the worst defensive games I've seen against the Cowboys on Sunday, and the Cardinals have some serious weapons.
Seattle @ Pittsburgh
Do I stick my neck out there and make a couple of reasonable-sounding points about why I'm picking this one the way I am? Or do I just fall back on my gutless, spineless, ball-less rule of the week? That's right, you betcha. If I'm right, maybe I'll gloat a little and do the whole "here's why I knew it all along" routine. Until then, I'm keeping my balls in a safe. At the bottom of the ocean. On Uranus.
Steelers over Seahawks, 17-13
Tampa Bay @ Indianapolis
This might be an interesting game. The Colts have a number of injury concerns. So do the Bucs. Both team are cruising. Both defenses are playing well. I expect both teams to look sharp and prepared. And I expect the home team to pull it off.
Colts over Bucs, 20-16
Baltimore @ San Francisco
I think this game is a real gut-check for both teams. If Baltimore wins, they are legitimate again. If they lose, they're toast, and there will be some upheaval. If Frisco wins, they're legit. If they lose, they are officially back to playing for the future. I think it's a close game on paper, with the edge going to the team I'm not picking, because they're not at home. That is so pathetic.
49ers over Ravens, 19-14
San Diego @ Denver
Denver is a bullshit 2-2. Oakland is a better team than Denver. Oakland, as it turns out, might be the best team in the AFC West. San Diego, on the other hand, is on the road. Oh right, and they suck ass and are one more loss from someone getting fired. Probably Norv.
Broncos over Chargers, 27-24 Remember what I said about not picking the Chargers until they got back to .500? Well there you have it. I can't stand the Broncos.
Chicago @ Green Bay
Go Packers. There's no reason to let Chicago up off the mat. They stink, they have no offense whatsoever, and their defense can't carry the world on their shoulders. The Packers defense should have no trouble in this game. All they need to do is score two touchdowns and they should win.
Packers over Bears, 14-6
Dallas @ Buffalo
I prefer the Bills to the Cowboys, but I might actually prefer that the Cowboys pull this one off. At this point, all I want is the good teams to play well and the bad teams to stink. I need the NFL to firm up a little. The Cowboys should win this game, dammit!
Cowboys over Bills, 35-10
There you have it. If I have a good week, I might go back to actually thinking about these games before I pick 'em, but I need a system right now, or I might never get back to .500. If this doesn't work, I'm going to start picking the team with the better record every game.
Go Skynards.
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