Knee-Slapping NFL Humor!

You've got to love the sense of humor of that NFL! Just when they had us all thinking the league was ironing itself out, week 10 comes around! Road teams go 9-4! Upsets abound! The playoff picture is muddier than ever! Nuyk nyuk nyuk. Very funny. This weekend also saw some of the ugliest offensive performances of the whole season.

And now, the recap:

Atlanta over Carolina, 20-13
My Pick: Carolina over Atlanta, 19-16

In the end, Carolina just can't move the ball at all. They're also winless at home this season, which is just pathetic. Atlanta got just enough on offense to finish off the hapless Panthers. Both of these teams should be in the hunt for Derek Anderson. In fact, let's talk about this. Chutnee and I watched the Skins together on Sunday, and we linked up to NFL.com and sportingnews.com for assorted gamecasts and such. We discussed the Derek Anderson situation briefly, listing the teams we thought would either fit Anderson nicely or would make a move on him in the offseason. I count Atlanta, Carolina, Minnesota, Kansas City, Baltimore, Chicago, San Francisco, and Cleveland. There are probably others. But it occurred to me that the best possible situation for both Anderson and the team around him would be either to stay in Cleveland and have the Browns trade Brady Quinn or to go to Detroit. Yes, I know Kitna has been awesome for Detroit, but he's not much of a long-term solution. Detroit has the big, athletic targets Anderson has been thriving with in Cleveland, Anderson has the arm, pocket presence, and cajones to succeed in the Martz system.

Also, this was the last gasp for Carolina's playoff hopes.

Green Bay over Minnesota, 34-0
My Pick: Green Bay over Minnesota, 27-17

Yikes, what a bloodbath. Green Bay finally had a good running game, this time from Ryan Grant, who is absolutely NOT the long-term answer at tailback for the Packers. Why was he successful? Did it have anything to do with the Packers throwing the ball 48 times? You make the call. Adrian "Scariest Tailback in the NFL" Peterson went down with a knee injury, MRI results are pending. Talking heads will say the Vikings really need Adrian Peterson healthy, which is true. More importantly, the NFL really needs a healthy Adrian Peterson, and I'll give you two reasons: 1) he's the most exciting player in the NFL, and 2) the NFL does not want to give the rookie of the year award to a guy who stopped playing after nine games. Anyway, the Packers are just kicking ass right now. Did you see the ball Brett Favre delivered on a platter to the Minnesota secondary in the endzone? You know the one, the one the Minnesota secondary delivered on a platter to the Green Bay receiver. Two effing defensive backs put their hands on that ball and coughed it right up to whats-his-face in the endzone. Nice. Those are the breaks you get on your way to 8-1. Go Packers.

Denver over Kansas City, 27-11
My Pick: Denver over Kansas City, 13-6

I don't have much to say about this. I thought Denver would win, they pulled it off, yippie. Kansas City stinks, they definitely stink without Larry Johnson. Brandon Marshall had a nice game. Selvin Young had a nice game. Jay Cutler was fine. Denver's defense did the job.

Buffalo over Miami, 13-10
My Pick: Buffalo over Miami, 31-20

Not the offensive explosion I predicted, but the result was there. Not very encouraging that the Bills needed a safety, a two point conversion, and a game-winning last-minute field goal to take down the miserable Dolphins, who are the league's last, best hope for a winless team in 2007. Marshawn Lynch never really got going, J. P. Losman got off to a really bad start, but Buffalo's defense was able to keep Miami from capitalizing and in the end the Bills improved to 5-4, winning the fifth game in six. Now they get to get creamed by New England.

St. Louis over New Orleans, 37-29
My Pick: New Orleans over St. Louis, 35-24

You know, it was bound to happen. St. Louis still has some nice weapons. Frankly, I'm happy with this result. You know why? I get sick of listening to NFL-types talk about the Saints being a top five NFC team. I know its slim pickings, but we're talking about a team that started 0-4 and got healthy by beating Seattle, Atlanta, San Francisco, and Jacksonville (with Quinn Gray). They could make the playoffs, but only because they have the easiest second half schedule in the NFL. Why would the 4-4 Saints be a stronger team than the 5-3 Redskins? Because people don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Bad Drew Brees played in the first half, followed by mediocre Drew Brees in the second half. Why is that significant? Because I plugged him in to cover Tom Brady's bye, figuring on a strong showing against the weak Rams defense. Boooooooooooo.

Pittsburgh over Cleveland, 31-28
My Pick: Pittsburgh over Cleveland, 38-31

Yup. Nailed it. Great game, by the way. Both teams played their asses off. Cleveland made the most of some early Pittsburgh turnovers, and Pittsburgh showed the will to overcome the slow start and storm back in the second half. Great, great game. Somehow I thought I'd have more to say about this. The Browns are hurt by the fact that Buffalo won and Tennessee lost. Had Buffalo lost and Tennessee won, the Browns would be tied with the Jaguars for the wild card with the easier second half schedule. Ah well, I love 'em.

Jacksonville over Tennessee, 28-13
My Pick: Tennessee over Jacksonville, 14-10

Yuk. Yuk yuk yuk. Tennessee got nothing from their offense until the game was already out of reach. Their defense decided they couldn't do jack without Albert Haynesworth and let the Jags run wild. Quinn Gray did almost nothing to win the game, but he didn't turn the ball over. This is a perfect example of letting a team off the mat. What a disappointment for the Titans. Vince Young continues to struggle, and there were a few throws in the game that defied explanation. Tennessee is now in a tie for the wild-card with their division foe, and neither team has much of a cake-walk on their schedule.

Philadelphia over Washington, 33-25
My Pick: Washington over Philadelphia, 28-17

You know, I realize it seems like an offensive explosion for the Redskins when they put up 25 points in a game. Inexplicably, the defense let them down. Jason Campbell passed extremely well, going 23-34 for 215 yards, three scores, and no picks. Clinton Portis ran well. The Skins moved the ball up and down the field the whole second half, but were undone by a pair of lost fumbles and the passive play-calling of Gregg Williams. I can't understand the lack of creativity on the Redskins defense in the last 4 weeks. The 4-man rush worked against the kamikaze Detroit offense. It worked against the pass-heavy Packers. It only worked for 3 quarters against the Cardinals. Why? Because NFL teams have these things called "eyes", which they use to figure out what their opponents are up to. You can't use the exact same defensive look for 5 consecutive weeks in this league. What happened against the Patriots? They got exposed. Hell, even I could gameplan against the Skins defense after watching it for 3 weeks. Did the Skins use a different look against the Jets after getting torched by the Pats? No, and they nearly lost that game too. Did they mix it up against the Eagles? No, and its no coincidence they lost the game. Also, the Skins have no quick-hit in their offense at all, especially without Santana Moss. The only way they can score is either off of turnovers, good special teams, or by plodding down the field. I love a long drive, but every once in a while a team needs to be able to strike quickly, and the Skins can't do it. At any rate, now the Skins have to try to stay above .500 by beating the Cowboys in Dallas next week. Yikes.

Cincinnati over Baltimore, 21-7
My Pick: Cincinnati over Baltimore, 28-13

You know, if they'd played just one more quarter, I would have nailed the final score. As it is, I had this one pegged. I did not predict seven field goals for the Bengals, but I figured they'd get the win simply by virtue of the fact that they have any success at all in moving the ball and scoring points, whereas Baltimore sucks. With six losses, Cincinnati can forget about the post-season, but I dare say there aren't more than 3 or 4 guys on the whole team that aren't playing for their jobs next year. Carson Palmer . . .there are probably 2-3 others. I'll be interested what this team can do in the second half with a fully healthy and eligible offense. As for Baltimore, they really need offensive help. They have the most underwhelming receiving corps in the NFL, and they're wasting the prime of Todd Heap's career by tossing him out there as the only guy who scares anyone's secondary. They need a quarterback, and neither McNair nor Boller is the answer.

Arizona over Detroit, 31-21
My Pick: Arizona over Detroit, 23-20

I'm not saying Detroit is a bad team, just a bad road team. Also, Mike Martz undermined his team again by abandoning the run. Just when this team was turning into a balanced, versatile offense, Martz's ego costs them a win. Seriously, -18 rushing yards rushing? That's what you want. Can't somebody just steal this guy's playbook and kick his ass to the curb? For crying out loud. As for Arizona, the NFC West is so effing terrible, they could very well still win the division. I'd really prefer that to the Seahawks taking it. I'm adding Larry Fitzgerald to my fantasy roster.

Dallas over New York Giants, 31-20
My Pick: New York Giants over Dallas, 27-20

Great win for the Cowboys, and they looked great getting it. Romo was efficient and effective. TO was explosive. The running game was productive. Then managed to neutralize the Giants pass-rush and get plenty of pressure on Eli Manning. As for the Giants, here's loss 1. If they lose in Detroit next week, the collapse will be underway by the time they get to the team bus. If this team has any hope of having success in the playoffs, this will be the key. Everyone, including me, is predicting a blow-up as soon as this team puts consecutive losses together. If they prove me wrong, it could be the difference between success in the playoffs and Tom Coughlin losing his job.

Chicago over Oakland, 17-6
My Pick: Chicago over Oakland, 20-13

Yep, this game sure did happen. Not that anyone cares or was watching. Rex Grossman played; did you know that? Yeah, he threw a touchdown! Wow!

San Diego over Indianapolis, 23-21
My Pick: Indianapolis over San Diego, 34-21

Antonio Cromartie is a hell of a player. Neither team did enough to win this game. If a streaker had run out on the field and dodged two NFL security personnel guys, he would have taken a well-deserved victory. Indy did everything they could to give this one away. Philip Rivers, ever the champion of fair-play, did everything in his power to hand it right back. People will say this one came down to Payton Manning tossing a career high and franchise record six interceptions, or Adam Vinatieri shanking a couple of field-goals, including a potential game-winning 29 yarder, but in my opinion Antonio Cromartie won this game. I choose to say the game came down to someone playing well, and since nobody else played well, I'm giving credit to Cromartie, who has emerged as a brilliant playmaker. Good for him. The Chargers may now slink away with their AFC West title. Hang your heads, San Diego fans, in shame.

Seattle over San Francisco, 24-0
My Pick: Seattle over San Francisco, 41-10

Wow, what a hideous game. Six first downs for the 49ers! The 49ers are last in the NFL in most offensive categories; first downs per game, yards per game, passing yards per game, points per game, pretty much everything but rushing, and they really aren't even close to the rest of the NFL. Physically, they don't scare anybody with their weapons, either. Vernon Davis is big and fast, but they've failed to develop him into a weapon. Frank Gore is quick, tough, and explosive, but he's got no running lanes because nobody is afraid of the Niners passing game. I'm not going to say Arnaz Battle, Darrell Jackson, and Ashlie Lelie are bad receivers, but they sure don't scare anybody. The offensive line has been terrible. Again, I won't be the guy to say Alex Smith is a bad player, but he's not doing much to silence those who are. Earlier in the season, Frank Gore commented that some of the guys on the Niners weren't confident in the playcalling of their offensive coordinator. Now the 49ers are in a situation where they probably need a lot of change in the offseason in order to get on track, and I imagine offensive coordinator will be one of those changes. But on the other hand, do they really want their first overall pick quarterback to have to adjust to another offensive system headed into his fourth season? Or do they pull the plug on him altogether? What a mess in San Francisco. As for Seattle, they made the right move by pulling Alexander and going with Morris. I think Alexander is done as a starting caliber running back in the NFL. Hasselbeck didn't have a brilliant night, but he managed the game, put points on the board, and spread the ball around. Sickeningly, it looks like the NFC West can join the ranks of NFL divisions that now seem to have some shape, ugly though that shape may be. Two of the NFL's worst teams play in the NFC West, as well as the de facto worst division winner in the NFL.

Week 11 picks coming later. Despite this weekend's wackiness, I still finished over .500 with the picks, a respectable 8-6. Huzzah!