True Stories of Horror!

Dinner
Last night I made a salad. Escarole, radicchio, watercrest, arugula, fennel, egg, bresaola, schredded parmesan, chianti vinegar, olive oil, salt, pepper. It's money! It's a money salad! I made it once before and got some good reviews.

Escarole is a salad green, so you treat it like lettuce. Radicchio is a salad red, and I treat it like lettuce, too. Watercrest is like spinach, same with arugula. Fennel is a bulb. You can go easy and slice it up, or you can be cute and use a mandolin. I don't have a true mandolin, but I do have a snazzy grating device that looks like a small, rectangular bucket with a plastic lid. The plastic lid has a rectangular hole in it. The device comes with several rectangular accessories, each a different type of grater, one that looks and works similarly to a mandolin.

Imagine a total douchebag gripping a nice bulb of fennel and running it, in haste, back and forth over a sharp, double-edged blade, with total abandon. Do you see where this is going?

If I look like John Doe at the end of Se7en this morning, if I have to retype every word in every sentence because the fingertips of my right hand are heavily bandaged, if the towels in my bathroom have big dots of red on them and there are several splatters of red on the walls, know that it was in the service of one mean salad. Most importantly, know that finger shavings don't add much to any culinary project.

NCAA Tournament
What a crock! I don't think I've ever been more disappointed in an NCAA Tournament field than I am this year. Whenever possible, the selection committee took a disappointing, middling power conference school over a consistent, dominating mid-major. In addition, this year's field is loaded with garbage teams that managed to win their conference tournament, significantly downgrading the overall level of competition in the field.

Let's look at each region:

The East
UNC is the one seed, and they deserve it. They're also the number one seed overall, and it's hard to make and argument that anybody really deserved it, but they're as good a choice as any. One of their potential opponents is Coppin State, the worst team in the field and one of the worst tournament teams of all time. God I hope they lose the play-in game.

Arkansas is a nine seed. What crap. Talk about a middling, garbage team from a power conference that gets too much respect. Arkansas gets in because the selection committee thinks the top 3 or 4 SEC schools should automatically get in, which is bull. They don't deserve a spot because they weren't a dominant regular season team.

GMU gets Notre Dame in the round of 64. That's a tough match-up for the Patriots, who don't have the size to match up with what's-his-ass . . . Hair-and-Goatee. Still, I like GMU.

Washington State is the most over-rated 4-seed of all time, and they'll be dumped by Winthrop in the opening round. The Pac-10 is the most over-hyped conference in basketball and has been for years. The Missouri Valley is superior.

I like the 6/11 matchup between St. Joe's and Oklahoma. St. Joe's is hot and is deserving of the 11 seed. This one the committee got right.

Boise State is a lousy 14 seed and they'll be thrashed by Louisville. BSU is another team that had no business winning their conference tournament.

The 7/10 match-up is fine, I like both Butler and South Alabama. Here again, though, the committee chose to screw the mid-majors by putting them against each-other in the first round. Let's be honest here, mid-major schools want in the tournament for the opportunity to upset somebody big and become a Cinderella. Pitting them against one another in the opening round is like relegating them to the kids table at dinner, and it pisses me off every year.

Tennessee will likely destroy American, but American does deserve a spot, going 21-11 and winning against Maryland. They're no better than a 15 seed, but they belong. They earned it by consistently being one of the top teams in their conference and winning their toTeurnament.

The South
Texas-Arlington will be thumped by Memphis, who was handed a tough road to the final four after this opening snoozer.

Mississippi State is a good team, Oregon is a baloney Pac-10 team and the least deserving 9 seed ever. I can't believe a 13 loss Pac-10 team that last to Nebraska, Oakland, and Washington and got drilled by 29 points at Stanford is a 9 seed in the NCAA Tournament. What a joke. If they get past Mississippi State, I hope they lose by 60 to Memphis.

Michigan State/Temple could be interesting. Temple earned their way in and could be a tough out.

Pitt/Oral Roberts could be tough as well. Oral Roberts is in their third straight NCAA tourney and probably could have been seeded higher. Pitt won the Big East, but they're a bit inconsistent.

Kentucky ought to be ashamed of their tournament berth. An 11 seed? Please. They didn't earn their way in by being dominant, they backed in on name value and the fact that they play in the SEC. For shame. I hope Marquette dumps them.

Cornell is a tricky 14 seed, and the Ivy League teams are always good for a competitive opening round game. Stanford is highly over-rated, a weak 3 seed begging to be upset.

Miami is a weak 7 seed, and Saint Mary's is a really strong 10 seed, coming out of the always tough and underrated WCC. I smell upset.

Texas will probably own Austin Peay. The Ohio Valley is pretty weak, AP's schedule was not impressive, and Texas is a pretty good team.

The Midwest
Kansas makes more sense as a 1 seed than Tennessee, and Portland State is going down hard.

Kent State is the only 9 seed that wasn't a bullshit bubble team, and they stuck them with UNLV, another "kids' table" opening round snub for the mid-majors. What a joke.

Clemson drew Villanova, the single least deserving team in the entire field. Villanova must have earned their way in by beating Syracuse, a garbage fraud of a bubble team if ever there was one, and then getting absolutely POUNDED by Georgetown in a game where the Hoyas' best player doesn't score and sits most of the game with foul trouble. I like the Big East, but there's no way in hell Villanova belongs in the tournament. Certainly not while quality teams like VCU and Illinois State sit on the outside, teams that dominated their conferences and had less embarrassing ends to their seasons.

Siena is the best 13 seed, and should be higher. In fact, they should be the 12 and Villanova should be (out) the 13. Vanderbilt will have their hands full, but Vandy is a good team and deserves their 4 seed.

USC earned their way in (there, I said it), but just barely. Kansas State will be a tough match-up for them. I don't like either of these teams, but you can't really argue they don't belong.

Wisconsin has the bitchiest fans in basketball. Cal State Fullerton dominated their conference but lost pretty much every meaningful out of conference game they played (Arizona and Saint Mary's). They wouldn't need to score much to beat Wisonsin, but the Badgers will dominate them.

Gonzaga/Davidson is another "kids' table" match-up, another slap in the face to the mid-majors. Gonzaga deserves better than a 7, Davidson deserves better than a 10, and they both deserve a chance to play a bigger opponent.

Georgetown will make mincemeat out of UMBC.

The West
How the hell is Washington D.C. a good venue for the West Region opening round? UCLA will destroy Mississippi Valley State. This will be the biggest bloodbath of the whole tournament.

BYU, an 8 seed, drew another garbage 9 seed, Texas A&M. Booooooo!

In yet another "kids' table" match-up, the excellent Drake Bulldogs get the really good Western Kentucky Hilltoppers, the 7-loss winners of the Sunbelt. What a shame.

UConn, a deserving 4-seed, gets San Diego, an under-rated 13 seed from the WCC with quality wins in and out of conference play. How can Baylor, Arizona, and A&M deserve higher seeds than USD and WKU? Garbage.

Purdue is a good team, but they won't go far. Baylor is a crappy 11, they shouldn't even be in, and I don't care about this game at all.

Xavier is a deserving 3 seed, whereas Georgia is the villain of the entire field, winning the crappy SEC despite a losing record. I hope they get their spines ripped out of their mouths.

West Virginia probably could have been higher than 7, and their opponent (Arizona) shouldn't be in at all. Apparently Arizona gets in because they played, and lost to, a bevy of tough teams in their out of conference schedule. So what? Anybody can lose to a bunch of good teams! Arizona ought to be embarrassed.

Belmont should be a fisty 15 seed for Duke, but the Blue Devils are too professional to be upset in the round of 64 two years in a row. They'll put Belmont down and advance.

The Sheet of Integrity
I have UNC, Indiana, Mason, Winthrop, Oklahoma, Louisville, Butler, and Tennessee advancing in the East.

In the South: Memphis, Mississippi State, Michigan State, Pitt, Marquette, Stanford, Saint Mary's, and Texas.

In the Midwest: Kansas, Kent State, Clemson, Vanderbilt, Kansas State, Wisconsin, Gonzaga, and Georgetown.

In the West: UCLA, A&M, Drake, UConn, Purdue, Xavier, West Virginia, and Duke.

In the round of 32: UNC, Mason, Louisville, Butler, Kansas, Clemson, Wisconsin, Georgetown, Memphis, Pittsburgh, Marquette, Texas, UCLA, Drake, Xavier, and Duke.

In the Sweet 16, the following teams will advance: UNC, Butler, Kansas, Georgetown, Memphis, Texas, UCLA, and Xavier.

In the Elite 8, the following teams will advance: UNC, Georgetown, Texas, and UCLA.

In the Final Four, the following teams will advance: Georgetown and UCLA.

The National Championship will come down to Freshman Kevin Love and Junior Darren Collison versus Senior Roy Hibbert and Senior Jonathan Wallace. Seniors win. Eat it!

Georgetown over UCLA for the National Championship.

Booyah.