Last Minute Week 1 Recap and Week 2 Picks All-in-One

I literally just stepped off the airplane this afternoon, after having no access to a computer or TV (for the most part) for the past week. Forgive me if this is hastily put together.

Recap first:

Steelers over Titans, 13-10
My Pick: Steelers over Titans, 20-10
Yep, I was pretty close on this one. Neither team looked amazing, but Pittsburgh pretty much passed the ball at will down the stretch, and that was the difference. Both teams look like strong playoff contenders.

Ravens over Chiefs, 38-24
My Pick: Ravens over Chiefs, 28-6
Kansas City showed some spark, especially on offense. Baltimore looks like a team that is ready to take a huge, huge step forward this season. That's a really exciting proposition, especially considering how young their core is. They can't be too proud of giving up 24 points to Kansas City, but a win is a win, and if they can put up points like this, maybe they won't need their defense to bring home the bacon in 2009.

Broncos over Bengals, 12-7
My Pick: Bengals over Broncos, 20-10
Yeesh. What a dog. Hey, anybody else think Brandon Stokely should be forced to eat a turd sandwich every morning for a year for showboating at the end of one of the luckiest fluke plays in a decade? When the gods sweep in and pull you out from under a freight train, you don't turn around and wag your dick at the conductor. He's due a major, major karmic backlash for that one.

Colts over Jaguars, 14-12
My Pick: Colts over Jaguars, 30-17
Neither offense did squat. On the other hand, neither team showed me anything to be too alarmed about. Jacksonville is leaning far too hard on Maurice Jones-Drew. For crying out loud, the guy isn't Adrian Peterson. He touched the ball on more than half of Jacksonville's offensive plays. That's absurd.

Saints over Lions, 45-27
My Pick: Saints over Lions, 35-16
And that's what happens when you start a rookie quarterback in your first game, with no offensive line, and force him to play from behind because your opponent has the NFL's most dangerous offense and your defense is absolute garbage. Matthew Stafford looked terrible, but not nearly as terrible as Jamarcus Russell. I suppose that's another discussion altogether.

Jets over Texans, 24-7
My Pick: Texans over Jets, 31-20
Oooof. Yowza.

Eagles over Panthers, 38-10
My Pick: Panthers over Eagles, 24-17
"I reckon Carolina will run the ball straight down Philly's gullet, tire out their pass-rush, hit a couple of big pass plays, and keep Philly's "dangerous" offense on the sidelines. Philly's big names will tune out early, and after a few three-and-outs, they'll have that "this is bullshit, we're better than you anyway" smirk on their faces by halftime, which is a sure sign of a Philly loss."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Golly.

Boy am I glad nobody reads this crap. I feel like the Yogi Berra of NFL picks right now.

Falcons over Dolphins, 19-7
My Pick: Falcons over Dolphins, 27-21
Atlanta was pretty clearly a whole lot better than Miami. I still think Miami could be a strong team in 2009, they just ran into a far more balanced team with a huge homefield boost. I liked what I saw from Atlanta's defense. They've got some players over there.

Vikings over Browns, 34-20
My Pick: Vikings over Browns, 27-7
Adrian Peterson dragged the hapless Browns out to the shed, bent them over a work bench, and ran a table saw through their heads. I'm pretty sure the Vikings would have won this game if they played without a quarterback (no, that's not a knock on or dig at Brett Favre).

Cowboys over Bucs, 34-21
My Pick: Cowboys over Bucs, 28-14
The Cowboys failed to sack Byron Leftwich a single time. Call me an impartial piece of shit homer, but that's what I took away from this thrashing.

49ers over Cardinals, 20-16
My Pick: 49ers over Cardinals, 19-17
Read that shit again, bitch. Read it again, and then tear your head in half trying to conceive of how fucking awesome and huge-dicked I am, and how I screw all the hottest supermodels and shit gold nuggets, which I don't even bother picking up because I'm so fucking rich and great, greater than you by infinity.

Seahawks over Rams, 28-0
My Pick: Seahawks over Rams, 33-13
Way to show up for the season opener, Rams. That's a real, real classy effort.

Giants over Redskins, 23-17
My Pick: Giants over Redskins, 28-27
The Redskins offensive playcalling was absolutely abysmal through the entire first half. Almost every single play-call after the opening handoff to Clinton Portis was either puzzling, or chicken-shit, or wasted, or downright absurd. And DeAngelo Hall has to be one of the worst tacklers at any position in the NFL. I'll give him credit for his interception, but he's just a flat-out terrible, terrible tackler. Terrible.

After halftime, the Skins seemed to settle down and their offense was able to get just a tiny bit of rhythm now and again, but they still showed no ability at all to pick up big chunks of yardage, or even set up the kinds of plays that lead to big, explosive gains, and that meant they needed to pick up a lot of third downs, and that's tough on the road against a defense as strong as the Giants.

There. That's all. I didn't think they were terrible, just out of rhythm and overly cute with their playcalling early.

Packers over Bears, 21-15
My Pick: Packers over Bears, 35-24
That foul smell hanging in the air? That was Jay Cutler dropping an epic deuce under his sheets, then rolling around in it for a few hours before waking up in a swampy tangle of shit-soaked linens. He could not have played worse without actually becoming Jake Delhomme.

Patriots over Bills, 25-24
My Pick: Packers over Bills, 38-17
Hey Leodis, I want you to know I'm not even a Bills fan at all. That's what makes what I did so funny! The message burned into your lawn? That was totally, totally ME! What's funny is, not only do I live like 700 miles from Buffalo, but I was actually in Arizona when you had Montezuma's Revenge all over your team's best chance at a signature win in 5 seasons. In fact, I visited Montezuma's Castle, in ARIZONA, the day after you fell victim to his fury. But I just couldn't let the opportunity pass to express to you the heartfelt sentiment of just about every non-Patriots fan in existence after your stunning, stunning performance Monday night. I'm a man of the people, and I know how important it is to keep these lines of communication open. $800 is a small price to pay to deliver such a well-deserved turd sandwich.

I'm obviously kidding. I feel genuine pity for McKelvin. That doesn't mean I wasn't murderous after that fumble, sitting in a Flagstaff dive being served cold Heinekins by Arizona's reliably mostly-nude female waitstaff, digging deep trenches in the bar with my fingernails. It wasn't helped by the presence of a handful of unforgivable Patriots bandwagoneers cheering away at Tom Brady's "heroics", as if he was out there slapping the ball loose on the game's deciding play.

FUCK!!

Chargers over Raiders, 24-20
My Pick: Raiders over Chargers, 35-27
I would have been the fucking genius of all time if Oakland hadn't pooped their guts out with the victory in hand. Ah well.

Now, for some quick picks:

Oakland @ Kansas City
The Line: Kansas City by 3
This is a tough pick for me. Both teams are crap. I guess I'll take the home team.
Chiefs over Raiders, 24-21

Houston @ Tennessee
The Line: Tennessee by 7
Yep, sounds about right. Nothing would surprise me, but I'm sticking with the team that didn't play like brainless ballerinas in week 1.
Titans over Texans, 28-23

New England @ New York Jets
The Line: New England by 3.5
Tough to say. What a huge win this would be for the Jets. Know what? I'm picking 'em. Why the hell not. If their defense is what everyone says it is, they could do it.
Jets over Patriots, 27-24

Cincinnati @ Green Bay
The Line: Green Bay by 9
Packers win!
Packers over Bengals, 19-13

Minnesota @ Detroit
The Line: Minnesota by 10
Yep.
Vikings over Lions, 30-17

New Orleans @ Philadelphia
The Line: New Orleans by 1
Wow. Look at that line. I guess Vegas is betting on Kevin Kolb getting the start. If he does, the Saints should win. They're not a great road team, and they're especially not a good outdoor road team. We'll see.
Saints over Eagles (if McNabb sits), 27-17

Carolina @ Atlanta
The Line: Atlanta by 6
It'll be the end of the world in Carolina if they don't look much, much better in this one. I say they get stomped out.
Falcons over Panthers, 34-21

St. Louis @ Washington
The Line: Washington by 9.5
Hell, why not? I'm still in giddy, early-season mode. I still think the Redskins offense will break out early this season. Why not against the hapless Rams?
Redskins over Rams, 34-16

Arizona @ Jacksonville
The Line: Jacksonville by 3
You know what? I'm just hammering the home teams today. And so it goes . . .
Jaguars over Cardinals, 24-23

Seattle @ San Francisco
The Line: San Francisco by 1
Here's a crazy thing: this is an NFC West game I'd actually be really interested to watch. I know, right? Wacky.
Seahawks over 49ers, 20-14

Tampa Bay @ Buffalo
The Line: Buffalo by 4.5
Now here's a game no one will care about.
Bills over Bucs, 31-27

Cleveland @ Denver
The Line: Denver by 3
Didn't this game literally just happen? And really, who the hell cares?
Browns over Broncos, 11-8

Baltimore @ San Diego
The Line: San Diego by 3
Love this game. Love it. Should be illuminating.
Chargers over Ravens, 27-24

Pittsburgh @ Chicago
The Line: Pittsburgh by 3
Ready for Act II, in which Jay Cutler barfs his heart up at midfield in the fourth quarter of another stink bomb?
Steelers over Bears, 17-12

New York Giants @ Dallas
The Line: Dallas by 3
The only shitty thing about this matchup is one of these teams will be 2-0 on Monday. That sucks. Let's hope it's not the Cowpokes.
Giants over Cowboys (in their new stadium, no less), 34-31

Indianapolis @ Miami
The Line: Indianapolis by 3
Yeah, whatever.
Colts over Dolphins, 21-19

That's it!

Go Skynards!