Official NFL Preview, Y'all.

Here's the real NFL Preview, starting with the AFC, working West to East.

AFC West

San Diego Chargers

Offense
There are things t0 like about the Chargers offense. Ladanian Tomlinson is still maybe the top back in the NFL. Antonio Gates is one of the league's best tight ends. Beyond that, though, I don't get all the hype. In my book, Philip Rivers is an unproven quarterback who had as many turnovers as touchdowns in 2007. So the media is all up his ass: what else is new? He's a good-looking white quarterback with a big mouth, did you expect something else? Philip Rivers is the AFC's Tony Romo. In his defense, at least he's won a few playoff games.

Defense
On paper, this is a great defense. Still, for me, the two enduring images of the 2007 Chargers defense are 1. Adrian Peterson ripping them to shreds for an NFL record 296 yards on nearly 10 yards per carry, and 2. Maurice Jones-Drew truck-sticking Shawn Merriman on his way to the end-zone. Now I'm looking over their roster, and I'm wondering what made me think this was even a good defense on paper: their safeties are highly suspect and their inside linebackers aren't scaring anybody. I like their front three, but I'm not sure this is a great defense. Not sure at all.

Fantasy is for Losers
Philip Rivers looks to me like a buy-low, sell-high kinda guy. Antonio Gates is solid. LT is gold. Darren Sproles might be worth a look, he's pretty shifty. The Chargers D might be good for some turnovers, but you could do better.

Prediction
The AFC West is straight up garbage. The Chargers will win it, and they'll win it with a truck-load of over-inflated team and individual statistics. Everyone seems pretty convinced that the Chargers are the NFL's most talented team. Here's what I don't understand: this off-season, the Chargers lost Michael Turner, Shane Olivea, Drayton Florence, Lorenzo Neal, and Marlon McCree. Maybe the guys they replaced them with are better players, I guess we'll have to wait and see on that, but if the Chargers weren't the most talented team in the NFL last season, why in the hell are they the most talented team in the NFL this season? Didn't the Pats win 16 regular season games last year and lose the Super Bowl on a miracle? Don't the Colts have a better defense, better offensive line, better receivers, deeper backfield, and infinitely better quarterback, not to mention superior coaching and a shit-load of big-game experience? Hell, aren't even the Steelers a more proven collection of top-tier talent? Seriously, get off the Chargers bandwagon, folks. If this team weren't in the AFC West, they'd be the Titans. I like the Titans, but seriously. I see the Chargers flaming out in the divisional round, and that will probably be enough to get ol' Norv fired.


Denver Broncos

Offense
Even though he's already one of the most over-rated players in the NFL, I'm prepared to root for Jay Cutler. He's a young quarterback, he's got diabetes, and he was drafted behind Vince Young and Matt Leinart, two infinitely bigger stars coming out of college. I'm definitely not sure Jay Cutler has what it takes to be a big-time quarterback. His body language is all wrong, and I don't see much personality there. In fact, he kinda makes me think of a big-armed Brian Griese. There, I said it. I hope I'm wrong. Now, as for Mike Shanahan's legendary ability to scrap together a running game out of late-rounders and castaways, let's put that to rest right now. The 2007 Denver Broncos were 9th in total rushing, but also third in fumbles and had a whopping 10 rushing touchdowns all year, good for 20th in the league. Now he's got a backfield full of basically Selvin Young and nobody else. Young's a good football player, but he's about my size. As for the receiving corps, it's Brandon Marshall out wide, his Parole Officer at split-end, and a Denver County Sheriff holding an arrest warrant in the slot. Mark this down: this guy will play as many snaps in the NFL over the next two seasons as Chris Henry.

In short, I don't think much of the Denver Broncos offense.

Defense
Seriously, teams that play major sports anywhere near the West Coast are extremely over-rated. Where once there was a perceived EastCoast bias in sports journalism, there's now a severe West Coast backlash. Take, for instance, the Pac-10. In both NCAA Basketball and College Football, the Pac-10 is and has been the most over-rated conference for at least 5 years now. As exhibit two, I submit the Denver Broncos secondary. I'm a Redskins fan, which means I know a thing or two about Champ Bailey, and for the life of me, I still can't figure out why this guy is so hyped. He was never a dominant corner in DC, I don't know where anybody got this idea that he was shutting guys down. I never saw it. In 2006 in Denver, the Broncos pass defense was 21st in the NFL, whereas their rushing defense was a respectable 12th. I'm pretty sure the Broncos didn't make Champ the highest paid corner in the league so they could finish in the bottom 10 in pass defense. But wait! Denver follows it up by finishing a decent 7th in pass defense in 2007! Clearly, the investment paid off, right? Effing wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. The Broncos were 7th in pass defense because they were the third worst rushing defense in the league. They were an abysmal, not-very-funny joke of a run defense last season. Why ever pass on the Broncos, when you can run straight up the middle for 7 yards a pop?

For my money, the best player (by far) on Denver's defense is D. J. Williams, but he ain't enough. The Broncos defense is jack-shit, and if their numbers say better in 2008, it'll be because they play Oakland twice, Kansas City twice, Miami, Atlanta, the Jets, Carolina, and Buffalo.

Fantasy Spin, for all you turds.
Jay Cutler has the look of another buy-low, sell-high guy. Stay far, far away from the Denver backfield. You never know when Mike Shanahan will decide to send Nene out there to take a few hand-offs. If Brandon Marshall weren't suspended, I might take a flier on him. Denver's defense isn't worth shit. There's very little for the Fantasy Doofus on this squad.

Prediction
Absolutely and without a doubt, the Broncos will be only a game or two out of the final wild-card spot for the second half of the season. They don't have the defense to contend in the AFC, they don't have the running game, they don't have the receivers. Mike Shanahan will send a professional team out there that will run a sharp version of the West Coast offense, but they'll continually shoot themselves in the foot and they'll shy away from big moments and big opportunities. I do think Mike Shanahan is a good football coach, but I also think he's run his course in Denver. If they don't start looking like a team with a real, top-to-bottom and both sides of the football plan for improvement, they'll instead look like an organization with low expectations and no accountability for a coach who continually peaks at mediocre.


Oakland Raiders

Offense
Now, here's something to be excited about. If you aren't eager to see what JaMarcus Russell and Darren McFadden can do when bullets are flying, you're not a football fan. If you aren't (at least secretly) spiritually in the foxhole with Lane Kiffin, you're just an asshole. Russell has a bazooka arm, good mobility, a lot of heart, and big-game experience (from LSU). You've got to want this guy to reach his potential. As for McFadden, I'm not sure there's any longer any guess work needed when predicting the future success of a big-time college running back with legitimate game-changing athleticism. Pretty much any heady athlete can churn out 1,000 yards in today's NFL, and McFadden seems to be almost in the Adrian Peterson class of runner. He'll be a stud, and I can't wait. Why? Because on September 30, 2007, Lane Kiffin ran the ball 49 times in a road game against Miami, and that was with then-unknown Justin Fargas, Lamont Jordan, fullback Justin Griffith, and fill-in quarterback Daunte Culpepper sharing the carries. I like Fargas, I even liked him at USC. But none of those guys is Darren McFadden. Lane Kiffin ain't afraid to stick with the ground game, and he's got one of those ultimate weapon type runners now. Add to the mix a healthy Michael Bush (a battering ram), and I'm legitimately excited to see how run-heavy the Raiders might be. If you're an Oakland fan, you've got a coach to believe in and an offense to be excited about. You've probably also got some stupid fucking WWE costume with spikes and over-the-top face paint that has virtually nothing to do with your team, and you're probably only at the game to show off, and you've got one of only maybe a handful of guys worthy of being in the discussion of Worst Owners in Sports actively undermining your team, but hey! I like your battery!

Defense
I'm looking at Oakland's defense, and I just threw up in my mouth a little. Now I'm REALLY excited to see how run heavy your offense can get. My god, who are those guys? Asomugha, D'Angelo Hall, and Michael Huff add up to a pretty nice secondary, and Derrick Burgess has shown a knack for getting to the quarterback, but I don't see a lot else out there. The defensive line and linebackers . . . those names could be made up! I've got nothing against this unit, but I'm not overly optimistic about their chances. Ummmm . . . good luck guys!

Fucking Fantasy
I'll take McFadden. I'll take Fargas. Hell, I'll even take Bush. I'm staying away from any receivers, especially Javon "Should I Stay or Should I Go Now" Walker, and I'm giving Russell a year or two before I touch him with Bea Arthur's dick (I had to throw that in there). The defense will have to come out hot before I take a look at 'em.

Prediction
What a wonderful, wonderful season it would be if the Raiders upset the world and won the AFC West. They'd be sticking it to ESPN, the Chargers, the Broncos, Al Davis, and front-runners everywhere. Will it happen? Hell no. I feel confident in saying the following, however: the Raiders will play competitive, professional football through 16 games, they'll play like they expect to win, and if Kiffin gets another shot in 2009, they'll take another big step forward. I imagine if you've been rooting for the absolute shame that has been the Raiders for the last half-decade, you'll take it and run.


Kansas City Chiefs

Offense
Yuk. Yeesh. Where to start? Who even knows if Larry Johnson can come back and be a productive back? He was pretty clearly fried after 2006. Then he held out in 2007. Then he injured himself and the Chiefs tried their damnedest to downplay the severity. I can't put too fine a point on this: Larry Johnson is the entire Kansas City Chiefs offense. Dwayne Bowe might be a fine receiver, but they've got jack squat at quarterback and that's it. This is perhaps the most talent starved offense in the league. They have virtually no depth at any position. They traded away their veteran backup tailback last season and then tried to cover up their star's injury to avoid the embarrassment of having pissed away their entire running game and offense in 8 days. Good God Almighty. Just look at their depth chart. I dare you. They should call it The Depths Chart, as in look how low we've sunk.

Defense
Wow. It doesn't get much better on this side of the ball. Derrick Johnson, Napolean Harris, and everyone else. Jesus. If I'm a Kansas City Chiefs fan, I'm taking the 2008 season off. Holy hell. Would anybody notice if they completely made up the names of their roster? They'd better hope these young guys take huge, huge steps this season, otherwise they're in for an epic embarrassment.

Fantasy Sucks
You want Fantasy? Here's a fantasy for you: the Chiefs will be a competitive team in 2008.

Prediction
The Chiefs look awful on paper, and they've got just the coach to lead them through an awful season of low expectations. Herm Edwards is the master of lowering expectations. You know my favorite thing about Herm? Watching him on the sidelines. Seriously, he might as well not be there. He's just a body in the way of someone else. His idea of coaching on game-day is standing there with a look of bemusement on his face to mask his utter, utter cluelessness.

Seriously, in the grand scheme, I've got nothing against Herm Edwards. I was a big fan of his when he was with the Jets. But he's just not cut out to be an NFL Head Coach. NFL Head Coaches run the gamut from Jon Effing Gruden to Tony "Most Underrated Coach Ever" Dungy, and there are a bunch of shapes and sizes, many different temperaments, a friggin' ton of different styles and philosophies, and lots of room for even more diversity. But one thing you can rule out altogether is a coach who doesn't have a goddamn clue on game-day. No team in the history of football could overcome a head coach with an overloaded brain when live bullets are flying. Add to that the fact that Herm Edwards makes a spectacle of himself during the week and has at least helped to remove or enabled the removing of any remaining shreds of proven NFL talent from this roster, and you've got a fucking disaster in the making.


AFC South

Indianapolis Colts

Offense
It's to the point where the Colts offense is almost boring it's so predictable. Predictably great, that is. Damn this team is just so effing sharp and professional. You can't be a football fan and not at least envy and appreciate their sharpness. Now they've got a deep and talented backfield and what looks like an army of lanky, fast, precise young receivers waiting in the wings behind their proven studs. I love their offensive line, they've got a future Hall of Fame quarterback, their coordinators and position coaches have been around forever . . . what's not to like? This will be another top-10 offense.

Defense
And it will probably be another top-10 defense, as well. Know why? Three words: Bob Motherfucking Sanders. Ol' Bob is one of the 3 or 4 best defensive players in the NFL. I like their line, I like their linebackers, I like their safeties. They need to stay healthy across the board, but even if they don't, they'll still be competitive and tough. Deal with it. Nobody has mastered the cover-2 scheme like Tony Dungy. Freddy Keiaho is clearly made of glass, but they played most of the year without him in 2007 and were the NFL's #1 ranked defense.

Fantasy Y'all!
Take Payton Manning. Take Joe Addai. Take Reggie Wayne. Take Dallas Clark. Take the Defense. Hell, take Marvin Harrison. Who am I kidding? I'm taking a long look at Anthony Gonzalez!

Prediction
The Colts ought to win the AFC South, but it doesn't matter. They're in the playoffs one way or the other. I could see injuries holding them to the wild-card, which would be something of an end of an era, but they're clearly one of the two best teams in the AFC and a legit Super Bowl contender. One wonders how long Tony Dungy will stick around? This is almost certainly his final season. Here's hoping they dump the sorry Chargers and shelack the cock-sucking Patriots en route to an appearance in the big game.


Jacksonville Jaguars

Offense
Hard to know what to expect from the Jaguars offense in 2008. I want to believe in David Garrard, but the Jags have a recent history of ruining the confidence of capable young signal-callers. With nobody but Cleo Lemon and Todd Bouman behind him, it will likely take an injury or flat-out disastrous performance to get him out from behind center. I tend to think the Jaguars will be a run-heavy team, but I wonder what will happen if Fred Taylor starts to break down or sustains another injury. Are the Jaguars prepared to stick to the ground with Maurice Jones-Drew and Greg Jones? And I'm looking at the Jaguars receivers and I see nothing but squandered, poorly coached talent. Reggie Williams was on his way to stardom before Jack Del Rio pulled the rug out from under him in 2007. Matt Jones has thus far been a flame out, though there have been rumblings of a promising start to this season. Troy Williamson did absolutely nothing in Minnesota. Jerry Porter has been only a sulking malcontent in Oakland for years. Frankly, if I'm coaching Jacksonville's offense, I'm taking a nice long look at Dennis Northcut and Mercedes Lewis, the two mostly known quantities among my pass catchers. Seriously, somebody's got to figure that group out. You've got one super-productive player (Williams) trapped at fifth on the depth chart, you've got a drugged out bust (Jones), a one-dimensional bust (Williamson), and a poison pill (Porter), and you're hoping to make a deep run in the playoffs. Yipe.

Defense
Love the unit. Love their defensive line. Love their secondary. Love their linebackers. I'm worried about depth pretty much across the board, but I even loved the draft pick (Derrick Harvey), who should go a long way towards gassing up the pass-rush. This should be a top-10 unit. They need to perform more consistently than they did in 2007, but still, they were a good defense and they could be better. They did lose Marcus Stroud, but I'm confident they'll rebound.

Fantasy Shtuff
Maybe you take a look at David Garrard. Maybe Fred Taylor. Maybe Maurice Jones-Drew. Maybe Mercedes Lewis. Certainly, you can't get very excited about any of their receivers. I don't know, I think there are a lot of question marks on this offense. I'll take the defense any day.

Prediction
The Jaguars will at least be right in there in the wild-card race. To me, they look like a playoff team. Frankly, I thought they under-performed at times last season, so anything less than a playoff appearance and probably a playoff victory would be a major letdown in 2008. I friggin' can't stand Jack Del Rio, but I'll say this much for him: he's assembled a tough-as-nails solid-ass football team that plays like it expects to be great. I respect that. Now he's got to quit undermining the confidence of his offensive weapons, particularly those weapons involved in his passing attack. I know he's a defense and ground-game type of guy, but seriously: he's already ruined one promising quarterback's career, virtually destroyed a promising receiver's career, inexplicably dumped productive guys like Ernest Wilford, and assembled a receiving corps of disruptive, disgruntled, left over underachievers. If they can't put it all together this season, it'll be time to say they need someone with a firm hand providing oversight on Del Rio's handling of the offense.


Tennessee Titans

Offense
Hey, another team to be excited about. Why? Vince Young, of course. I hope Tennessee fans are lifting this guy up, he's the future of the franchise and one of only a couple of true, balls-to-bones winners at his position in the NFL. This guy wins football games, and he's the perfect quarterback for a motherfuckin' winner like Jeff Fisher. Those guys could suit up a kindergarten class on offense and still make a run at the playoffs. All they need is Jeff Fisher on the sidelines and Vince Young under center. Throw in there a productive LenDale White, Chris Henry, rookie Chris Johnson, tight ends Alge Crumpler and Bo Scaife, and you've got yourself a goddamn bona-fide fringe contender, a team I love to love. Now, what they need is some kind of consistent productivity from their passing game. They don't need Tom Brady/Payton Manning numbers from Vince, they just need consistency. If he can limit turnovers and pick up a few first downs through the air, he'll more than make up the difference in plays with his feet and sheer winning-and-ass-kicking guts and balls. Seriously. His career record as a starter in the NFL is something like 18-8, and he's still basically figuring out how to pass the ball and read NFL defenses. Go Vince!

Defense
I don't know, I look at Tennessee's defense and I see question marks. Sure. Depth might be a concern. Javon Kearse is sort of an unknown. On the other hand, the Titans defense was tough as nails in 2007. I watched their first pre-season game against St. Louis and saw their defense absolutely manhandle the Rams first team offense around the goal-line, leading to a pick-six for Keith Bulluck. We'll put it this way: the Titans have all the pieces they need to be a dominant, top-10 defense in 2007. If they stay healthy, their defense will keep them in the playoff chase all the way to the bitter, bitter end.

Fantasy Jenx
Other than LenDale White, I'm not picking up a single member of the Titans offense. As you can tell, I'm a huge Vince Young fan, but he threw twice as many picks as touchdowns in 2007, and they don't count wins in Fantasy Football. None of their receivers are worth a damn. Alge Crumpler and Bo Scaife are only worth keeping an eye on.

Prediction
Like I said, the Titans will be hanging around the playoff picture with an outside shot of sneaking in in the sixth and final spot. Jeff Fisher can coach 'em up, Vince Young is a proven winner, and their defense could be terrifying. They'll need a big boost in the passing game and a pretty dominant ground game to get over the top, but one thing is certain: this is a Titans team you can feel good about rooting for. Likable guys, top to bottom, and mostly home grown at that. As long as Jeff Fisher is in town, the Titans will never be more than a year or two away from returning to the playoff picture, and they'll always be a tough, competitive, professional team. How many NFL coaches can you say that about? Six? Seven?


Houston Texans

Offense
Poor friggin' Texans. They've got maybe 75-85% of the pieces needed to be a real contender. They've got the quarterback, they've got the receivers, they've got the defense, they've got the head coach. What they don't have is the offensive line, nor do they have the backfield. In fact, they're not even in the ballpark when it comes to the backfield. Maybe Gary Kubiak drank a little too much Mike Shanahan kool-aid in Denver, because he's trying to assemble a productive ground game out of dog-shit, straight up. Nothing against Ahman Green and Chris Brown, but damn. The only back on their roster who does anything for me is Steve Slaton, and he's third. Seriously, somebody needs to knock on the door to Kubiak's office and remind him they're trying to make a playoff push. Ahman Green and Chris Brown might be good enough to get them to 8-8, but they need a horse back there! C'mon, guys! Seriously, go get a game changer, for crying out loud. Also, that's a pretty unproven front five they've got over there. We'll have to wait and see whether that bunch can keep Matt Schaub healthy and upright. It would be a real shame if the Texans had to turn their season over to Sage Rosenfels again. I've got nothing against ol' Sage, but another few games of him behind center and we'll have a true-blue quarterback controversy in Houston.

Defense
What the Texans do have is a deep, beastly front four. Right behind that front four, they've got some pieces at linebacker. Right behind those linebackers, they've got dog-shit. Some proving needs to take place with that group. Hopefully their aggressive front seven can turn this into a great secondary, but for now, if I'm an opposing offense, I'm testing those young punks until they show me something.

Fantasy Spin, for all you non-football fans
I might take a flier on Matt Schaub. I'm definitely going for Andre Johnson. Owen Daniels is probably worth a glance. Other than that, nothing gets my blood going. Jacoby Jones might be worth a peek.

Prediction
A last place finish in the AFC South and a .500 record will have to do. The AFC South is a buzz-saw, and the rest of their schedule includes stops in Pittsburgh, in Cleveland, in Minnesota, and in Green Bay. This is a respectable team that would compete for a division title in the AFC West. If they played in the AFC East, they'd probably be good for a wild-card. Thing is, the AFC South is the unquestioned monster of NFL divisions, and nothing short of a miracle season will get the Texans into the playoffs. For the love of God, please shore up the backfield in the off-season. Fans can except missing the playoffs, but it gets pretty tough when your coach trots out charred remains and barely animated corpses to carry the ball 25 times a game. There's almost nothing left to address on this team, so there's no priority that ought to come ahead of grabbing a legitimate number one tailback in the summer. There's that stupid old saying about NFL teams, "If you think you have two number one tailbacks, you don't have any." Well, Minnesota has two. Oakland probably has two. Last season, the Chargers had two. Houston has -2. That won't cut it, not for a team with playoff aspirations.


AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers

Offense
The Steelers have Pro-Bowl quality players at every skill position on their offense. Without a doubt, Ben Roethlisberger is a Pro-Bowl level quarterback and probably has the longest, most confusing name ever mastered by average joes around the country. Willie Parker is certainly a Pro-Bowl quality back. Hines Ward is a Pro-Bowl quality receiver, and Santonio Holmes might be at the threshold. Heath Miller could be a Pro-Bowler. Hell, I'd take Najeh Davenport if he could get a full-time gig as a feature back. The skill positions are loaded on this team, much more so than the effing Chargers. But that offensive line needs work. They can't afford to have Big Ben get his ass kicked every Sunday afternoon. He's one of the best and most lethal playaction passers in the game, but if he doesn't have time, forget about it. Their entire offense will come down to the success of that line, illustrating the fundamental importance of having a strong offensive line. Your skill players are only as good as their offensive line, period.

Defense
Good line, good corners, good linebackers, good safeties . . . good defense. Mike Tomlin is an aggressive defensive mind, which will elevate the play of the individuals in his defense. If they can stay healthy, this should be another top-10 defense for Pittsburgh. The Steelers are just a solid, professional team, top to bottom. And by "top", I mean their offensive skill position players. And by "bottom", I'm of course referring to their offensive line. But I digress: I guess the whole defense hinges on the health of Troy Polamalu. When this cat was healthy at USC, he was a dominator and the first college defensive player since Charles Woodson I gave a damn about. When he's been healthy in the NFL, it's been the same story: he dominates. Last season, he wasn't too healthy, and Pittsburgh's defense was up and down as a result.

Also, let's not forget the Steelers have a huge, huge home field advantage playing on that sludgy mine-field they call turf.

Fantasy Outlook
Take 'em all. Take Big Ben, take Fast Willie Parker, take Hines Ward, take Heath Miller, go out and get Santonio Holmes, don't be afraid of Rashard Mendenhall, and please scoop up Najeh Davenport. Definitely take the defense. Take 'em all, I say!

Prediction
In my mind, the Steelers have to be knocked from their perch atop the AFC North. I'm not giving it away to anybody. The Browns should be a real contender, and you just never know with the Bengals, but the Steelers are a tough, tested team, they have a huge home-field advantage, tons of talent, and expect to be in the hunt for the AFC title. Mike Tomlin has to show that, in addition to running a tough, professional camp, he can coach on game-day and not get overly cute with scheming and adjusting. The Steelers do the following things well (that we know of): run the ball, use the playaction pass, and stuff opposing offenses with their aggressive 3-4. When they got super-cute with their passing game, they fell off, plain and simple. Stick to the basics, it should be enough to get the Steelers into the post-season again. It's a slippery slope from the top of the AFC North hill: those South teams will be hard-charging after that final playoff wild-card, so the team that loosens its grip on the North could find itself on the outside looking in.


Cleveland Browns

Offense
Oh man. This should be a fun group. Look at their offensive line, for crying out loud. That might be the best offensive line in the NFL. They've got Seth McKinney and Ross Tucker on the bench. Their receiving corps is fantastic. They've got a Pro-Bowl tight end. They've got not one but two good quarterbacks. They've got a still-productive Jamal Lewis in the backfield, and they've got multi-dimensional firecrackers like Josh Cribbs and Jason Wright waiting in the wings. I looooove this offense. They were fourth in the NFL in passing yards in 2007, seventh in total yards, and only twelfth in points. If they can end more of their drives in scores, this could very well be the NFL's best offense. Here's hoping Derek Anderson is legit, and that Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow stay healthy. The sky is the limit!

Defense
Plenty of question marks on the defense, but Shaun Rogers isn't one of them. Word out of Cleveland is that even the Browns unbelievably great offensive line can't block this guy. As the anchor of a 3-4, you pretty much can't do better than that. I'm not sure they have the secondary at all, but Sean Jones is a nice piece and if they can generate a pass-rush, they should be ok. Frankly, the Browns should be scoring so many points that they turn opposing offenses into one-dimensional attacks. I'm being a bit optimistic about the Browns, but I'm genuinely excited about this team's chances of taking the next step and becoming a big-time contender in the AFC. A lot will depend on whether they can stop anybody, and there are a lot of unproven guys floating around that defense.

Fantastic!
I already have Derek Anderson, but that's more of a fan-boy pick than maybe I'll say aloud. Jamal Lewis is a safe bet. Braylon Edwards is a home-run, as is Kellen Winslow. I wouldn't even be shy about Joe Jurevicious, Josh Cribbs, or even Dante Stallworth. I would stay away from the defense, though.

Prediction
The Browns could win the division. They should definitely be in the playoff chase, fighting for a wild-card. Romeo Crennell has done an outstanding job of being patient with his talented, young players, and that patience is starting to pay off. The Browns have one of the deepest offenses in football and a defense that at least has some pieces. If you're a Browns fan, you're lucky to have a competitive, feisty young roster with great pieces in place and a team you feel good about rooting for, coached by a guy you have to like. What more do you want? Oh, right, a playoff berth. This should be the year, especially if the Browns can stay healthy. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the franchise locked Crennell up for a few more years last season amid rumors he was of interest to the Dolphins, right? That's a good thing. This guy can coach!


Cincinnati Bengals

Offense
There's no reason this shouldn't be an elite offense. Carson Palmer clearly can get the job done on the field. Chad Johnson, despite being one of the NFL's all-time egomaniacs and a legendary poison pill, is an elite receiver, and T. J. "Too Much Chip on My Shoulder" Houshmanzadeh is close behind. Rudi Johnson, if he can ever get and stay healthy, is a productive back, and they've got depth behind him. I like the addition of Ben Utecht, though it in no way addresses the absence of Chris Henry. The offensive line is solid and has some depth. This offense just doesn't click especially well, and when it doesn't, these guys don't have the intestinal or testicular fortitude to tough it out. That's the whole deal, straight up. Chad sulks and bitches. Carson Palmer isn't enough of a leader to keep the ship together. T. J. is productive but enables his buddy by apologizing for his behavior and making excuses. The coaching staff seems hell-bent on undermining Rudi Johnson. It's just a mess. When it clicks, it can be a beautiful thing. Because I like Marvin Lewis, I'm hoping it clicks and stays clicked for a while. I could stomach a run by the Cincinnati Bengals in 2008, for the sake of their head coach.

Defense
Well, one thing is certain: there are some good souls on Cincinnati's defense. They dumped all the criminals and went shrieking in the other direction. Hopefully some of these guys will pan out. Looking at the depth chart is like scanning a who's who of notable first-day draft picks, so there's plenty of talent. Plenty of young talent. Plenty of unproven, untested, inexperience young talent. Plenty of unproven, untested, inexperienced young talent to be thrown under a bus by the bitch divas of the offense when they fail to play lights out immediately. What a disaster.

On the other hand, I won't write off this unit altogether. Like I said, they've got talent, and Marvin Lewis was (once upon a time) a defensive mastermind. He might just be able to turn this group into a professional defense. Here's hoping.

Fantasy Nuggets
Carson Palmer is probably a safe bet if you're the kind of person who doesn't mind having vaguely unlikable milquetoasts on your fantasy team. If Rudi is healthy, he's worth a flier. If not, give a glance to Chris Perry. Chad Johnson is so disruptive . . . but you already know where I'm going with that joke. T. J. is a safer pick. Utecht is worth a look. And there's probably a sleeper among their receiver depth. Stay away from the defense.

Prediction
The crystal ball is a bit fuzzy on this one. There's enough talent to make a run, and it would certainly make the AFC a lot more interesting. On the other hand, this thing is just waiting to implode, and one wonders if Marvin Lewis can survive another embarrassing debacle. He's almost gotten rid of the bad character guys on this team, but it's the one he's stuck behind that could nuke the whole thing. I see the Bengals staring at something like 8-8, well outside the playoff picture but not bad enough for wholesale changes. I also see another full off-season of Chad Johnson boo-hooing to ESPN like a friggin' baby. I'm holding out hope for Marvin Lewis, but it doesn't look good. I'll be keeping a close eye on this team, if for no better reason than that I'm really rooting for the Browns this season and the Bengals could be the wrench in the works.


Baltimore Ravens

Offense
Yeesh. Not much to like here. Another talent starved bottom-feeder balls deep in a rebuilding process. I respect rebuilding. It generally leads to a firm foundation and a roster of home-grown likable talent with roots in the franchise. I dig that. I get as excited about that as I do about anything else in football. But it's not pretty when you're in the early stages. The Ravens have a mostly talent-free offense. Willis McGahee is a nice back, but he's not enough on his own to save this unit from epic embarrassment. They've got jack shit around him. All respect to Troy Smith (my favorite of their quarterback competition), but they've got zero quarterback strength. Joe Flacco is years away, and he looks like an ostrich. His first few series in their pre-season opener were God-God-God-awful, truly nauseating stuff. You can't even call that a receiving corps. I mean, c'mon. Several SEC teams have better receivers. Todd Heap is done being healthy. Their offensive line has gone from a relative strength to a motley crew of chumps. It's going to be an ugly, ugly season in Baltimore, especially with tweetie-bird impersonator Cam Cameron running the offense. Oh man.

Defense
Old, slow, broken down. That's how you describe most of Baltimore's defense. This is a unit with maybe one, maybe two good pushes left in it, a couple of runs to the playoffs and that's it. Too bad the offense is decades away. By the time their offense is ready to compete, Haloti Ngata will be the only member of their current defense left on the roster, and he'll be 36. Still, this could be a pretty good unit this season, if they stay healthy and don't get too bogged down by the awfulness of their record. I expect Ravens fans will get to know this defense, they'll certainly be spending a lot of time on the field.

Fantasy . . . Dear God Just Stay Away!
Other than McGahee, who may or may not even be healthy, don't even look at any of their offensive players. You might consider snagging their defense.

Prediction
Not only will they finish at the bottom of their division, but they'll be near the bottom of the AFC and in the running for a top-5 pick in next year's draft. Beyond that, I already have my doubts about who is really running the show in Baltimore. John Harbaugh is getting plenty of praise for being on top of training camp and running an exceptionally physical, competitive off-season, but Cam Cameron has basically been handed the offense and he's got a hell of a lot more league experience than Harbaugh, who basically came out of nowhere to land this gig. I like young head coaches and I hope it works out for Harbaugh. He's going to have to endure some serious ugliness to climb back up the mountaintop. 7 wins would be a major triumph for the Ravens in 2008. Sending an offense out there with their chin-straps buckled properly will be enough for some folks. At least they're getting the stink of Brian Billick off, thank God.


AFC East

New England Patriots

Offense
Boooo. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Tom Brady will have big numbers. Randy Moss will have big numbers. Wes Welker will have big numbers. And I'll be booing all along. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! The Patriots are ruining the NFL and organized football. They're also the least likable team in NFL history.

Defense
Boooo. The front line is great, the linebackers are half young and talented, half old and crappy. The secondary needs help. There's not a wealth of depth anywhere. I hope they all become incontinent at once. To hell with the Patriots.

Your 2008 Fantasy All-Stars!
Tom Gay-Ass Brady, Randy "I'm a Team Guy When I'm Paid To Be A Team Guy and As Long As We're Undefeated" Moss, "Ugly" Wes Welker . . . take 'em all, you gold-bricking piece of shit. Why not pick up Satan, while you're at it?

Prediction
Oh, they'll win the AFC East, alright. Fuck 'em, and fuck you if you like 'em.


Buffalo Bills

Offense
I guess it all comes down to the quarterback position. Trent Edwards is probably the guy, but I'm not sure how that happened. I have a strong, strong hunch it came down to not wanting to pay J. P. Losman a lucrative extension, so they sand-bagged him until his ship went down. He looked sharp as hell in their pre-season opener, and this guy is a goddamn starter in the NFL. As for Edwards, he looked like crap and he's already among the more over-rated players in the league. Unbelievable. Marshawn Lynch is a beast and I really like their offensive line. Lee Evans has plenty of talent, they just need to find a way to discourage teams from constantly selling out to stop him. No matter what happens, the Bills will be a tough, competitive, professional team, thanks to head coach Dick Jauron. They don't have much depth, but they play a pretty damn easy schedule in maybe the worst and certainly the least likable division in the league.

Defense
Lots of young guys here, lots of feisty playmaking and a whole ass-load of guts. They've just got to stay healthy. Marcus Stroud was a big addition (literally), and their linebackers are hella exciting. Actually, I really like their front seven. It's that secondary I'm not too sure about. Yeesh. Those guys are gonna need to step up big time. Like I said, though, the Bills will be tough and professional, and their defense will find a way to at least compete.

Fantasy Guy
The only guy worth a long look is Marshawn Lynch. He's the truth. Lee Evans might come around if he gets some help. If Trent Edwards keeps the job, look for a lot of short-ass throws. I'm a big fan of Robert Royal from his Redskins days, but he's not blowing anybody's hair back as a starting tight end. The defense will need to show me something before I take them seriously.

Prediction
What can you say? They'll be competitive, they'll fight their asses off, they'll comport themselves like professionals, and they'll fall well outside the playoff race (especially with Trent Edwards under center). Still, that might just be good enough. This is a young team with an emerging group of playmakers that will need a few years to put it together. They've got a pro's pro's pro head coach and some nice uniforms. They also play in the same division with the Patriots and in the AFC, which means the division is out of the question and the playoffs are probably a pipe-dream. I'm not sure Dick Jauron can keep his job behind that logic, but it's good enough for me. I respect the Bills, and I'll be rooting for 'em on Sunday.


New York Jets

Offense
Well, I guess now that Brett Favre is on board you can go ahead and pencil the Jets in for a Super Bowl berth! Favre will easily throw for 4,000 yards and 35 touchdowns with only 5 interceptions (all deflections) in leading the record-setting Jets offense to an undefeated regular season. Thomas Jones, who rushed for 3.6 yards per carry and 1 touchdown in 2007, is good for at least 1,600 yards and 18 scores now that Favre is on board. Laveranues Coles and Jerricho Cotchery (known by their stage name "Garbage Receiving Corps") will light up the league for a combined 2,500 yards and 20 touchdowns now that they're catching passes from living-legend and American Hero Brett Favre. What was a flat-out awful offensive line in 2007 will be impenetrable now that they have a real live quarterback to block for!

My ass.

Brett Favre ain't shit. He's a repainted old rust bucket that farted out it's last gasp in 2007 and called it quits. Booo on the Jets. Thomas Jones couldn't do crap in Eric Mangina's (not a misspelling) too-cute offense last season, and now coach has a shiny new quarterback to wack off to. Imagine what that'll do for the running game. Jerricho Cotchery could be a really good third receiver. Laveranues Coles is a possession receiver now a couple years past his prime. They don't have shit else. Period. The Jets offense is crap, but unlike with Chad Pennington or Kellen Clemens, they'll now be front-and-center crap. Booooooooooo.

Defense
Well, let's see: Eric Mangina was so tied to his awful 3-4 that he chased out the best young middle linebacker in the league. Why, again, am I supposed to believe in this bullshit? Because they have . . . ummm . . . Eric Barton plugged in at the Ted spot? Please. Puhhleeezzzzz. Gimme a friggin' break. Oh, what, Kris Jenkins was going to cure all your ailments? Right, because he's ever played in a 3-4 scheme before. Uh huh. Nice secondary, by the way. Which one of those guys is a Pro-Bowl caliber player?

Fantasy . . . Nevermind
Let's not pretend. If you're the sort of person who'd pick up Brett Favre on this team, you're beyond my help.

Prediction
A lousy 6-10 finish and a whole lot of excuse-making by the gay-ass media. Booooo. Eric Mangina is a turd. Brett Favre is washed up. There's nothing else there. I pity everyone else on the Jets for having to endure those two lame-o's


Miami Dolphins

Offense
Remember what I said about how painful it can get when you're balls deep in a rebuilding project? Just look at this offense. My God. There's nothing there. Ronnie Brown and (heh) Ricky Williams had better be able to play quarterback and receiver in addition to running the ball. And one of them had better get out there and block for the other. Seriously, what the hell has been going on in the Dolphins front office for the last . . . oh . . . 10 years? For crying out loud, this is ridiculous. Talk about a blank slate. This isn't so much rebuilding as it is Lewis and Clark surveying the West. There's nothing there at all. No quarterbacks, pretty much no receivers, a bunch of mystery men on the offensive line. Then there's Ronnie Brown (recovering from a brutal injury) and Ricky (huhuhuhuh) Williams. Man oh man. This will be gruesome.

Defense
And I thought the offense was bad! Look at their defense. What the fuck. Those had better be young guys whose names I've never heard before. Wow. They've got their work cut out for them. And what the fuck is Joey Porter still doing on the roster?

FantaBWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Stay away!

Prediction
Ok, seriously, down the road, there might be something to get excited about. If Ronnie Brown ever comes back, if they get a few receivers to push Ted Ginn Jr. into the slot where he belongs, if Jake Long pans out, if they can locate some talent for their defense, there might be a revival down the line. I think Tony Sparano was a good hire, and I love their front office. With Parcells calling the shots and Sparano coaching 'em up, they should be on solid footing for their rebuilding efforts. It'll be a while, and they need to find a quarterback, but at least they have the office and the coach. Now they need some serious patience.


The NFC will be revealed in all its glory (hopefully) in time for the start of the regular season.