Week 6 Bullroney

What a bullshit week of NFL crap. So six full games came down to the final possession. Sure, maybe that looks like a great week. Some of us, however, are so bitter over one of those last second results we feel fine just going ahead and shitting on the entire Sunday. We won't let a slate of mostly exciting football games take away from what was otherwise the worst Sunday of football . . . no, of sports, in human history. And we're gonna use lots of profanity. Lots. Every game will be shat upon relentlessly. Nevermind that I went an unholy 11-2 on Sunday and came within a goddamn 49-yard field goal after a 43-yard what-the-fuck deep ball from Marc "Gay-wad" Bulger to Donnie "Soon to be Dead" Avery of going a shocking, incredible 12-1 on Sunday picks.

Also, the NFC East went a long way towards falling all the way back to the pack. What a crock.

Here we go, bitches:

Atlanta over Chicago, 22-20
My Pick: Atlanta over Chicago, 20-17
Another "incredible" last minute pile of shit in Atlanta. Fucking Matt Ryan slams his eyes shut and heaves a wobbler to the left sideline with 6 seconds on the clock, gets his shit owned by a Chicago rusher, and some effing scrub-ass piece of shit drags his feet like a friggin' ballerina on the catch. Oh, right, and somehow the dickless time-keeper who's probably 75 feet away has the bitch so perfectly timed that there's still a second on the clock. My ass. Didn't somebody tell this genderless retard that the average NFL play is 6 seconds long? And maybe a 20-something yard completion might, I don't know, be at least as long as the average play? Cheating ass, home-cooked bullshit. So the horrendous, offensively bad, permanently tainted Falcons are 4-2, same as the Redskins (*sob*), good for them. Sorry bastards. And as for the dangerously incompetent Bears, hey, way to hand the game away by giving the sidelines to a desperate team with no timeouts and only 6 seconds on the clock. Isn't this the third game you've come from ahead to lose this season? Feeling charitable in Chicago, are we? Morons.

Houston over Miami, 29-28
My Pick: Houston over Miami, 34-28
Now here was a good ol' fashioned Arena League football game! Wait, you noticed there were no padded walls alongside the field, eh? Oh, right, it turns out these teams only belong in the Arena league. Nice bush-league D-II offense you've got there, Miami. I hope a wild-cat slashes Tony Sparano's jugular this week.
It looks like Matt Schaub pulled his useless shriveled dick out of his mouth long enough to stumble his awkward ass into the end-zone with 3 seconds left on the clock. Lucky baloney garbage. Gary Kubiak, the coach who goes to such great lengths to devalue his own tailbacks ends up giving the most crucial carry of the season to an uncoordinated, cross-eyed interception machine. Now everyone wants to pat him on his hairy back for the "courageous" call, well Bravo motherfucker! Maybe if Miami's defense had their heads screwed on they might have tackled the one-legged ostrich bumbling his way straight up the middle of the defense. Hey, how about a brilliant tactical decision on the last play of the game from the goddamn 5 yard line from Miami: lets rush three and completely take our eyes off the backfield! Great plan. Everyone who has ever been associated with the Miami Dolphins should be fired from their job, evicted from their home, stoned in the streets, disemboweled, and fed to rabid manitees. And if the Houston Texans had a single scrotum between them, I'd advocate for it's immediate removal.

Indianapolis over Baltimore, 31-3
My Pick: Indianapolis over Baltimore, 27-16
Wow, Indy finally ran up against a team so incompetent, so dysfunctional, so mentally retarded, they didn't even have to wait for the fourth quarter for their opponent to self-destruct. Baltimore started this self-destruction months ago, when they hired John Harbaugh and drafted Joe Flacco, two senseless mongoloids too busy cramming their dicks up each other's asses to get out of their own way. Maybe if Flacco tries a little harder, he could maybe turn the ball over eight times in a game! Why stop with throwing ugly interceptions? Why only fumble the ball repeatedly, screw up hand-offs, toss the ball into triple coverage? Why not just turn and run the ball into the wrong end-zone and then hand it off to a defender? Maybe after chucking another inexcusable interception, he could turn and lay-out one of his own players in pursuit, why not?
Congratulations, Indy, no really. You finally actually won a game without paying off both the refs and the opposition down the stretch. This time, you cut the check during the national anthem.

Minnesota over Detroit, 12-10
My Pick: Minnesota over Detroit, 42-20
What a crock. In the history of football, no team has ever done less to deserve a victory or a breath of air than the Vikings in this game. Adrian Peterson, who the fuck taught this guy how to hold a football? Jesus Christ, he makes Chris Perry's ball-security look like Fort Knox. This guy's nickname should be The Holy Roller. The only rock this guy can protect is the crack rock, when he's smoking it in an abandoned building minutes before kick-off. Somebody arrest this guy, he's guilty of something. And he's gay.
Dan Orlovsky? Please. Anybody get a good look at this guy before they made him an NFL quarterback? Joe Flacco looks like an actual human being standing next to Orlovsky. There has never, EVER, been an uglier, goofier, more useless, retarded, genital-free pansy on a professional football field. First of all, he throws the ball like a girl. A girl with muscular distrophy. And no arms. Second of all, just look at him. For Christ's sake, somebody find Matt Millen, cram a machine gun up his ass, and hold the trigger down for a while. Then toss his carcass off a bridge onto Dan Orlovsky's car on the highway.
Neither team deserved to win this game. In fact, each team deserved it less than the other. Instead of giving either team a win after this one, the NFL should subtract a win and give two losses to each team.

New Orleans over Oakland, 34-3
My Pick: New Orleans over Oakland, 38-21
Way to show up, Oakland. Tom Cable . . . Jesus Christ. If it were up to me, I'd roll the electric chair into the gas chamber, and strap old Tom's still-twitching body parts in. Oh, did I mention the draw-and-quartering? Yeah, first I'd draw and quarter him, then strap his limbs, stump, and gasping, shrieking head into the electric chair in the gas chamber, light him on fire, and hit all available switches.
Drew Brees was next to perfect in this game. Reggie Bush permanently disgraced the NFL by tying a record for fastest to 200 catches while averaging -2.3 yards per catch.

New York Jets over Cincinnati, 26-14
My Pick: New York Jets over Cincinnati, 23-17
Pretty close, wasn't I? Almost hit it on the head, in fact. And as I predicted, it was an ugly, unwatchable mess between two totally fraudulent teams. Ryan Fitzpatrick led the Bengals in rushing for the second time this season, I shit you not. That tells you all you need to know about the 2008 Cincinnati Bengals.
As for the Jets . . . you know what? To hell with the Jets. I hope their team bus hits a patch of quicksand and they all die.

Tampa Bay over Carolina, 27-3
My Pick: Carolina over Tampa Bay, 19-9
I take this result personally. I believed in the Panthers. I hate the Bucs. The Bucs know this. They know it because, for the sixth week in a row, Jon Gruden started the day by cluelessly stomping out a burning bag on his doorstep only to have his feet covered in "dog" shit. And the deliverer of this ingenious IED? Yours truly, bitch!
Who fucking goes on the road in the division and gets de-pantsed like this? 27-3? The Carolina Panthers, folks: the most dependably fragile team in football. Pound the limp-dicked Kansas City Chiefs into cow-flop one Sunday, get mangled in a division game the next. Booooooooooooooo.

St. Louis over Washington, 19-17
My Pick: Washington over St. Louis, 31-16
Seriously, okay, seriously, lets actually take a look at this game.

Here are some things I can live with if the Redskins are winning football games:

1. Converting a high number and percentage of third downs into first downs.
2. Swarming to the ball and forcing the opposition into a high number of three-and-outs.
3. Relying on good coverage skills and unpredictable coverage schemes to disrupt the passing game.
4. Completing a high percentage of passes within 5 yards of the line of scrimmage and relying on YAC to eat up chunks of the field.
5. Taking the ball out of your quarterback's hands in the second half at the expense of the rhythm of the passing game in order to wear down the opposing defense with the ground game.

The Redskins are a solid third-down team, and that's great. Converting third downs is key to sustaining drives and winning time of possession. On the other hand, the Redskins have to be near the top of the league in third down attempts, because they NEVER hit big plays in their offense. I'm all for a short drop, quick hit passing game as a means of moving the ball, keeping the defense on their heels, and developing a rhythm. But the more plays you run in your offense on a given drive, the more likely you are to have an interception, or a sack, or a fumble, or a penalty, or just a bad play or a couple of near-misses. The way the Redskins have been playing offense through the first 6 weeks of the season, too much pressure has been put on their playmakers to play perfect football. In week 1, they couldn't do it. Then, for four weeks, they pulled it off. In week 6 we saw what happens when a team that needs a lot of time to put together scoring opportunities plays less than perfectly on offense: they lose. They score only 17 points against a bad defense. To put things in perspective, the Redskins turned the ball over 3 times and had 7 penalties. It killed their offense. The Cardinals turned the ball over 3 times and had 12 penalties, and they put up 26 offensive points against a far better defense than St. Louis's. Plain and simple, the Skins need to put together some big plays. In this game, they needed the ability to hit back immediately a couple of times, and they couldn't do it.

Washington's defense has been pretty good so far this season, but for crying out loud, they don't make plays for shit. Laron Landry drops an easy interception. London Fletcher drops an easy interception. This Rams team is crap, they've been straight up crap for the whole season, and frankly, their offense was effing crap on Sunday. Sometimes, it's not enough to swarm to the ball and make tackles. The Redskins need more than just Chris Horton out there flying around trying to get his hands on the ball. You can't drop interceptions, you just can't. If either of those guys comes down with the ball, the Redskins run away with this game. The Redskins have had 2 interceptions in their last 4 games. That won't effing do AT ALL.

Where's the fucking pass rush? I'm so sick of asking this question season after season! Why the hell can't the Redskins generate a push up front? They came away with 2 sacks in this game, but may I remind everyone that St. Louis has maybe the worst offensive line in football. Through 6 games, the Redskins have, I shit you not, 8 sacks. Fucking Greg Blatche. Blitz, motherfucker! Mix it up! Juqua Parker dropped into coverage Sunday afternoon in Philly's game in San Francisco, and the Eagles still generated enough heat to force J.T. O'Sullivan into an ugly interception. Every fucking team in the NFL has a better pass-rush than the Redskins, and at some point it has to lay at the feet of the conservative-to-a-fault defensive coordinator. And it can't wait until the off-season, it can't be addressed in the draft. Blatche needs to figure this shit out, the Redskins can't possibly continue to survive giving so much time to opposing quarterbacks. We need fucking turnovers.

Jason Campbell throws one of the most breathtaking mid-range balls in football. He's accurate, confident, and throws a hot, hot fastball out to 25 yards. I'm a little tired of the 5 yard completions. Yes, that's the West Coast offense, but damn. I'm sure if Joe Montana had Jason Campbell's bazooka, Walsh would have worked in a fair number of deep-in routes and skinny posts. I'm certain. We're letting defenses keep everthing in front of them, which is why our receivers are always this close to breaking a long run after catch, but are never actually behind the defense. It sucks, I want it to change.

And I can't handle the way the passing game seems to go on the back shelf in the second half. It's one thing when the Skins are ahead to go to the ground and start churning it out, but when the Skins are behind or in a close game, keep chucking it! This is the second week in a row where I've been suspicious that Jim Zorn lacks confidence in Jason Campbell down the stretch. What the hell does the guy have to do? He hasn't turned the ball over even once all season long! He's completing over 60% of his passes! He's got a cannon arm, he scrambles well, avoids the pass rush pretty well, and he's got some weapons! Zorn's getting a lot of credit for his aggressive play-calling, but really all we're talking about are a few trick plays and a couple of fourth-down conversions. Dial it up, bitch!

Now, this: obviously you don't go over with your offensive linemen what they should do if they find themselves on the receiving end of a forward pass, but for crying out loud, Pete Kendall is a fucking 13-year veteran. You mean to tell me it never once occurred to this guy to consider what the appropriate course of action would be if he came up with a deflected ball? Jesus! In Madden, in MADDEN, if one of my linemen comes up with a loose ball, they go down. Not only was that maybe the most embarrassing, awful play in Redskins history, it also cost the Redskins at least a 10-point swing, possibly even a 14-point swing, all the momentum, and a halftime lead. What the fuck. I'm getting sick even thinking about that play.

Now, really, it's just one game. Still, all the respect the Redskins had earned through 4 weeks of one big win after another has been squandered by shitting the bed against maybe the worst team in a decade of NFL football. Nobody will remember that the Skins significantly outplayed the Rams in week 6, nobody will give a shit that they moved the ball pretty well on most possessions before stalling at around the 30 drive after drive, mostly owing to fluky turnovers and stupid penalties. They've fallen back to the middle of the goddamn league, and they need a fucking statement win next Sunday to get some respect back. I won't settle for anything less than 6-2 entering week nine.

And as for Durant Brooks, this kid sucks. He's a lemon. I don't hate the guy, I feel genuine empathy for him, and I was less angry than really sad when he stunk out the joint on Sunday. But he's got to go. He might be the worst punter I've ever watched in a pro game.

Jacksonville over Denver, 24-17
My Pick: Jacksonville over Denver, 28-27
Told y'all!
Denver sucks. This was inevitable. They get to join all the other blank-and-one teams who crapped the bed on Sunday and dropped to blank-and-two.
As for Jacksonville, now they'll go and drop a game in week 7. I don't even need to look at the schedule. They suck, they're inconsistent, they're banged up, their coach is crap, they suck.
Good win, though.

Arizona over Dallas, 30-24
My Pick: Arizona over Dallas, 35-24
Heheheheheheheh . . . huh huh huh . . . . BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
And then there's this game! Dunnn-dun-duh-dunn-dunn-dun-duh-dun-duh-dunnnnnnnn . . . Dunnn-dun-duh-dunnnnnn . . . . Dunnn-dun-duh-dunnnnnnn!
Inevitable, y'all! And made all the better by the fact that T.O. only caught 4 passes and was a total non-factor!
If there's a sour note to this game, it's that Tony Romo was fine in that bull-shit Fantasy Stats sort of way in which he thrives. He fumbled the ball 3 times in the game, but only lost one. He held the ball too long in the pocket. He sucked again, but will anybody notice? Hell no. While Jason Campbell hasn't turned the ball over a single time all season, it'll be Tony effing Romo in the Pro-Bowl despite having turned the ball over at least once in every game this season and not actually being a big part of his team's success at all. The fact that fumbles actually count less than interceptions in the general evaluation of a quarterback is baloney, when you think about it: when a quarterback throws an interception, for the most part it's sort of like a short punt - it gives the other team the ball further from the end-zone. When they lose a fumble, they give the other team the ball and some yardage. And Romo is a goddamn fumble machine. He also throws too many interceptions. And I can't even look at the guy's face without wanting to puke. How the fuck do you root for a guy like that? He's disgusting!

This just in: Romo broke the pinky finger on his throwing hand against the Cardinals and is out 4 weeks. I don't hate the guy enough to celebrate his injury, I really don't. I hope he heals up well and comes back just as gay as ever.

Philadelphia over San Francisco, 40-26
My Pick: Philadelphia over San Francisco, 31-13
In the always fun Syllable Bowl, the 5-syllable Eagles pounded the 4-syllable 49ers in the fourth quarter and ran away with the victory.
Hey, here's an interesting thing: Mike Martz's first stop as an offensive coordinator in the NFL was in St. Louis in 1999. The previous season, the Rams went 4-12. That was the tail end of a nine-year stretch in which the Rams were an abysmal 45-99.
In 2006, Martz was hired by the Lions following a 5-11 campaign at the end of a five-year stretch of 21-59 football.
In 2008, Martz was hired by the 49ers following a 5-11 campaign following a five-year run of 25-55 football.
In short, incompetent, poorly run garbage franchises hire Mike Martz as a continuation of the same bullshit mismanagement that put them in the toilet to begin with. Here's my question: when Mike Nolan is unceremoniously dumped during the 49ers' bye week and Martz is dumped as interim after the season, will he be able to find another coordinator job in the NFL? I say yes, if the position is available in either Oakland or Kansas City. There's a significant chance he'll land a job as a head coach in the Pac-10, but that's just my hunch.

San Diego over New England, 30-10
My Pick: San Diego over New England, 29-23
To be honest, I can't tell you much about what happened in this game. I didn't watch it and I haven't bothered to read up on it. I figured San Diego would win because even Ben Stein could get the Chargers pumped for this match-up. Matt Cassel isn't the worst quarterback in the NFL, but he's not good enough to hoist this incredibly slow collection of corpses on his back and win a road game against a motivated, competent team. Randy Moss has officially checked out on this season, and you know what? We fucking told you, you dipshit Pats fans, we sure did. Just like T.O. in Dallas, there's no way to keep these guys from being who they are. T.O. bitches, he just does. He's a chemistry-wrecker, he will always destroy a team's chemistry, which is why he'll never win a Super Bowl. Along those same lines, Randy Moss will not exert himself for a team he doesn't believe can win without his effort. He's a front runner, through and through. He'll bust his ass when he thinks he can put up big numbers and win going away, but no way in hell will this guy go all out for a loser. And that's what you've got in New England: a busted-down, karma-soaked loser. San Diego smelled blood in the water, and they're just the kind of panties-wearing office-bullies to stomp on a weak, bleeding visitor on the second leg of a west-coast swing. Does it mean they're any good? Or legit? Hell no. Maybe after Norv Turner is fired, they can bring in Jon Gruden to ride the roster's coattails to another baloney Super Bowl. In fact, I'm laying odds on that exact scenario: 10-1 that Jon Gruden lands in San Diego at the tail end of this roster's run of physical superiority.

And now, switching gears:

Cleveland over New York Giants, 35-14
My Pick: New York Giants over Cleveland, 24-13
Now that's how you come out of a bye week! This was a completely different Cleveland Browns team than we saw in any other contest this season. Derek Anderson was sharp, the running game was productive, the offensive line was very strong, Braylon Edwards made several huge plays, and most importantly, the defense was flying around making plays. What a rebound for the Browns! And now they're coming to Washington. Know what I say to that? Bring it on, bitches! I'm much happier to have a seemingly strong Browns team at FedEx next Sunday than a desperate pile of dog-meat. There'll be no overlooking these bastards now.
As for the Giants, what the hell happened to Eli Manning? Man, it was the same old smelly turd back there as at points last season, wasn't it? He was forcing the ball left and right and never looked settled, and he killed the Giants at several key moments. The refs bailed him out of a fumble, too, with a bogus defensive penalty. On the one hand, I'm happy to see the Giants busted down to earth a little bit, but on the other hand, I didn't expect them to look this terrible. It's one thing to go on the road and lose to the Browns coming off their bye week, it's something else altogether to lose by 21 points! The shine on the NFC East has been pretty well scuffed after week 6, don't you think? The winless Rams took down the Redskins in Washington, the one-win Browns steamrolled the Giants, and the Cardinals embarrassed the Cowboys. Even the Eagles needed to come from behind to win at San Francisco.
I expect a bounce back. The Giants host San Francisco in what I insist will be one of this season's most violently one-sided demolitions. The Redskins host the Browns in what should be a big-time rebound game. The Eagles are on a bye before hosting the Atlanta Falcons. The Brad Johnson-led Cowboys can get some divisional revenge on the Rams in St. Louis. Each team in the division should add a win in their next game.


And now for something totally different!

My Pro Bowl Picks
That's right, I've already submitted four ballots for the Pro Bowl. I know it's early. Blame the NFL for making the ballots available so early.

And here's a warning: this is a homered out fanboy ballot. I'm going to go through and justify each selection, to the best of my ability, but it's homered out nonetheless.

Let's start in the bullshit conference:

The AFC

Quarterback
1. Philip Rivers
Okay, despite how embarrassingly up-and-down the Chargers have been this season, very little of that can be attributed to Rivers. This cat has been ridiculously great so far this season: 62% completion percentage for about 1,500 yards, 14 touchdowns, 4 interceptions, 1 fumble, and a 109.4 quarterback rating. This one more or less speaks for itself.
2. Ben Roethlisberger
Starting for the 4-1 AFC North leading Steelers has to count for something, and it's not like Roethlisberger is playing poorly, either. 64% passing, 7 touchdowns, 3 picks, 3 lost fumbles, and a 95.7 quarterback rating. Roethlisberger also had a dominating performance against Jacksonville and has had to soldier on despite playing behind one of the worst offensive lines in football and with a banged up backfield. Also, the AFC crowd is pretty weak.
3. Trent Edwards
Again, quarterbacking a 4-1 team means a lot to me. And look what the kid's doing: 66% passing, 948 yards, 4 touchdowns, 2 picks, 2 lost fumbles, and a 93.9 quarterback rating. Despite his age and experience, he's been a steady hand for a very young Bills offense, he's integrated a new offensive design, and he's taking some shots down field. For my money, this guy has been the third best quarterback in the AFC so far this season.

Also-rans: Jay Cutler (turns the ball over too much, inflated statistics, questionable leadership, fraudulent team), Brett Favre (turns the ball over too much, grossly inflated statistics, fraudulent team), Chad Pennington (not really the catalyst behind his team's success, mostly a bystander).

Runningback
1. Ronnie Brown
Not that there's much to even say about this pick. Brown has been outstanding in every game this season. For crying out loud, the guy already has 8 total touchdowns this season! It's arguable that no player in the NFL has been a bigger part of his team's success than Ronnie Brown.
2. Marshawn Lynch
To be honest, there aren't a lot of better options out there. Lynch has been a workhorse on a 4-1 Bills team. He's got 4 touchdowns, 17 first downs, 2 20+ yard carries, and 15 receptions, and dammit, his team is 4-1!
3. Chris Johnson
Johnson is third among AFC runningbacks in yards, gets 4.5 a pop, and has been a huge part of Tennessee's 5-0 start. He's got 3 total touchdowns and has added 12 receptions despite sharing a lot of carries with Lendale White.

Also-rans: Ladanian Tomlinson (3.7 yards per carry on one of the NFL's most disappointing teams), Larry Johnson (has only been a factor in 2 Kansas City games and plays on perhaps the worst team in the NFL).

Receiver
1. Brandon Marshall
Look at his friggin' numbers! 43 catches, 521 yards, 3 touchdowns, 7 20+ yard receptions, and 28 first downs. Brandon Marshall might well be the best receiver in the NFL.
2. Reggie Wayne
33 catches make him 10th in the NFL, 468 yards receiving, 4 touchdowns, 8 20+ yard receptions, and 14.2 yards per reception. Not only is he pretty clearly one of the best receivers in the NFL, but his number back it up, even in a down year for his offense as a whole.
3. Andre Johnson
Johnson is currently the 8th best receiver in the NFL in terms of catches, 14.4 yards per catch, 2 scores, 6 20+ yard receptions including a 40+, 23 first down receptions, and all this despite being pretty obviously the best weapon on his team, which means he's constantly fighting his way through and around committed double-teams.
4. Lee Evans
This is a tougher case to make, but bear with me. Evans might only be 68th in the NFL in terms of catches, but he's averaging some absurd numbers nonetheless: 27 yards per catch! 2 scores, 7 20+ yard catches, 3 40+ yard catches, all but two of his catches have been for first downs, and for crying out loud, the guy is averaging 86 yards per game despite getting fewer than 4 catches an outing! Plus, well, his team is 4-1.

Fullback
1. LeRon McClain
Pretty easy case to make here. This guy actually has ball-carrying responsibilities on the Ravens. In fact, he leads the Ravens in carries, yards, and rushing touchdowns, and frankly, he's the engine of their offense. No other fullback in the NFL has his impact on games.

Tight Ends
1. Owen Daniels
Pretty easy case to make here: Daniels leads all AFC tight ends in catches and yards and has 4 20+ yard catches. He's a difference maker at tight-end, and his numbers stack up against anybody in his conference. His 13.4 yards a catch is eye-popping.
2. Antonio Gates
Another easy case: he's third in the AFC in catches, has 4 touchdowns on the year, 4 20+ yard catches, and 15 first down receptions. He's also getting an impressive 12.6 yards a catch.

Also-ran: Tony Gonzales (good numbers, but playing for an abysmal team with perhaps the worst offense in the NFL).

Center
1. Kevin Mawae
Not only are the Titans a committed run-first offense, not only are they 5-0, not only is Mawae the centerpiece of the offensive line, but do you realize this team has only given up 2 sacks on the season? 2 sacks! With Kerry effing Collins rooted in the pocket! That's outstanding offensive line play.
2. Casey Wiegmann
I've got to hand it to the guy: he's the signal caller of an offensive line that has only allowed 2 sacks and is in front of the NFL's 10th ranked rushing game. I wouldn't have guessed at either of those stats, but there they are.

Guard
1. Cooper Carlisle
Didn't see that shit coming, did you? Guards do their most important work in the running game, and the Raiders are the AFC's top rushing offense. Add to that the fact that they're in the middle of the NFL pack in terms of sacks, and you've got an offensive line doing a bang-up job. Carlisle is a big part.
2. Eric Steinbach
The Browns have only allowed 8 sacks all season and the running game has been decent. Steinbach is pretty obviously one of the best and most athletic guards in football.
3. Ben Grubbs
Not only are the Ravens the AFC's second best rushing offense, did you know they've only allowed 10 sacks, which puts them in the top half of the NFL in the statistic? Good shit from this line . . . great shit, in fact. A rookie quarterback and a seriously depleted backfield, and they're still doing the job.

Tackle
1. Ryan Diem
Hey, know what? The Colts have only allowed 9 sacks on the season, despite big time injuries on the offensive line, a terrible defense that has kept the offense in passing mode, and a rushing attack that hasn't scared anybody. Diem has been maybe the only fully healthy member of the line.
2. Marcus McNeill
San Diego has one of the top passing offense in the league, Philip Rivers has been mostly upright, McNeill has been doing the job.
3. Jake Long
Protecting the backside of a quarterback who has only been sacked 10 times all season is only part of the deal: he's been a key cog in a big-time rushing attack working in a brand new system. Great work from the youngster.

Defensive Ends
1. Kyle Vanden Bosch
Easy pick for me. The Titans defensive front has been absolutely unbelievable through 5 games. Vanden Bosch might not get the stats, but he's a big-time contributor.
2. Haloti Ngata
Again, a dominating run defender. This guy doesn't pick up a lot of stats either, but he's an enormous load to move out of a hole and his activity level is outstanding. No way Ray Lewis is still playing at this level without a terror like Ngata disrupting things up front.
3. Mario Williams
First among AFC defensive linemen in sacks, and also has 2 forced fumbles on the season. This guy is a beast, he was snubbed last year, but he's pretty clearly one of the best defensive ends in football.

Defensive Tackles
1. Albert Haynesworth
And I don't have to say a word about it.
2. Casey Hampton
The NFL's best nose-tackle.
Update: Okay, so Casey Hampton hasn't been healthy a whole lot. Here's his substitute.
3. Kris Jenkins
I have to tip my hat on this one: Jenkins is the nose tackle of the NFL's third ranked rushing defense, I shit you not. This guy can still play!

Outside Linebacker
1. Keith Bulluck
Too easy.
2. James Harrison
A key part of Pittsburgh's 3-4 alignment, and he's second in the NFL in sacks. Easy case to be made here.
3. Joey Porter
The heart and soul of Miami's defense and tied for second in the NFL in sacks. Another easy call.

Middle Linebacker
1. D'Qwell Jackson
Not an easy call, but here's my defense: Jackson is third in the NFL in tackles, has 2 pass defenses and an interception, and dammit, he's a good player. Cleveland's defense is actually in the middle of the NFL in yards allowed, but is fifth overall in points allowed. Good shit.
2. Ray Lewis
Still chugging along, having another productive season for one of the NFL's best defenses. This is an easy call.

Cornerbacks
1. Courtland Finnegan
Too easy. Tennessee's defense is outstanding, Finnegan is a beast.
2. Terrence McGee
Buffalo's pass defense is ranked near the top of the AFC, and Greer has been outstanding, with 7 passes defended and 2 picks.
3. Rashean Mathis
Yes, I know Jacksonville's defense is down a bit, but Mathis is all over the place. The guy has 6 passes defended, 2 picks, a forced fumble, a fumble recovery, and 2 scores. If those aren't Pro Bowl numbers, I don't know what are.

Strong Safety
1. Troy Polamalu
Easy, easy call. 8 defended passes, 3 picks, 25 tackles, and he plays for one of the NFL's best defenses.

Free Safety
1. Michael Griffin
Another super easy call: 9 passes defended, 25 tackles, and tied for the NFL lead (with teammate Finnegan) with 4 interceptions. Easy.

Kicker
1. Rob Bironas
The guy boots the ball into the endzone consistently, that's good enough for me. Plus, they're winning close games.

Punter
1. Shane Lechler
Again, the guy boots the ball a long way with a lot of hangtime.

And now . . .

The Washington Redsk . . . err . . . The NFC

Quarterback
1. Drew Brees
Honestly, it might be time to start talking about whether or not Drew Brees is the best quarterback in the NFL. Unlike Tony Romo, Brees has actually won a playoff game. His numbers are otherworldly: 71% passing, 1,993 yards, 12 touchdowns, 6 picks, and a 105 passer rating. Great stuff.
2. Eli Manning
Stink bomb against Cleveland notwithstanding, he's been great for the NFL's best team through 6 weeks: 64% passing, 1,228 yards, 7 touchdowns, 4 picks, and a 91.4 quarterback rating.
3. Jason Campbell
Look, you don't go through 6 weeks of tough, competitive football without throwing a single interception or losing a single fumble and not get a nod. His numbers add up: 64% passing, 1,262 yards, 6 touchdowns, 0 picks, and a 96.2 passer rating. Let's not even talk about his big runs, either.

Also-rans: Kurt Warner (way too many turnovers, fella), Tony Romo (same deal), Aaron Rodgers (same), Donovan McNabb (win some more games, shitter), Matt Ryan (almost, but not quite).

Runningbacks
1. Clinton Portis
The NFL's leading rusher, a league-leading 6 touchdowns, and a league-leading 5 20+ yard carries. And he hasn't fumbled once, y'all. This is an easy one.
2. Brandon Jacobs
5.7 yards a carry, 4 scores, 5 20+ yard carries, and his team is 4-1. Another easy one.
3. Michael Turner
The NFL's second leading rusher, 6 scores, 5 20+ yard carries and a 40+ yarder, and he plays for a 4-2 team. He's a beast.

Also-rans: Adrian Peterson (too many fumbles), Frank Gore (damn close, it came down to fumbles).

Receiver
1. Larry Fitzgerald
Easy to call. 546 yards, 5 scores, 7 20+ yarders, 2 40+ yarders, and 15.2 yards per catch.
2. Greg Jennings
Another really easy call. 653 yards, 4 scores, 12 20+ yarders, 5 40+ yarders, 19.2 yards per catch. It doesn't get any easier than that, folks.
3. Roddy White
Frankly, another easy one. 566 yards, 3 scores, 8 20+ yarders, 2 40+ yarders, 16.2 yards per catch, and his team is 4-2. He's a beast, officially.
4. DeSean Jackson
Easier than you think. He's tied for fourth in the NFC in catches, he's got a score, 8 20+ yard catches, 2 40+ yard catches, he's getting about 15 yards per catch, and he's been a big time difference maker, including on special teams.

Also-rans: Santana Moss (has now officially disappeared in two straight games), Lance Moore (who?), Mushin Muhammed (close, but no cigar).

Fullback
1. Mike Sellars
Please. As if there's any discussion here. Pretty easily the most overwhelming blocker at his position in the NFL, and a pretty damn good runner and receiver. He's as big a part of Clinton Portis's success this season as anybody else on the team.

Tight End
1. Jason Witten
Easy. First in the conference among tight ends in receptions, yards, and 20+ yard receptions by a pretty healthy margin.
2. Chris Cooley
Also easy. Second in the conference in catches, yards, and 20+ yard catches among tight ends, and a dangerous weapon at his position. He's also a pretty damn underrated blocker.

Centers
1. Shaun O'Hara
Duh. The Giants are near the top of the NFL in rushing yardage and the line has done an excellent job of keeping Eli Manning upright. This is a no-brainer.
2. Todd McClure
Hey, start all 6 games for a 4-2 Falcons team that is both near the top of the conference in rushing and near the top of the conference in protecting the passer, and you're in. Calling the line signals in front of a rookie quarterback under these circumstances, this guy might not just be a Pro Bowler, he might be the next President of the United States.

Guards
1. Chris Snee
Again, New York's line has been outstanding, no one individual more so than Snee, who is responsible for making all those massive holes for Brandon Jacobs to run through on the right side.
2. Randy Thomas
Washington has the NFL's best rushing offense and he's a huge reason. Eat it.
3. Leonard Davis
Dallas might have the NFL's most balanced offense, and despite Romo's recent pounding against Arizona, the o-line has done a decent job of protecting the guy.

Tackles
1. Jordan Gross
Carolina's offensive line has been flat-out great through 6 weeks. Gross has done an outstanding job in pass-protection, and we already know how great Carolina's rushing attack has been.
Update: Jordon Gross has been a bit banged up. Therefore, his replacement will be Jammal Brown of the Saints. So there.
2. Chris Samuels
Washington's #1 ranked rushing offense has been churning behind this cat all season, and he's been protecting the blind-side of the only NFL quarterback to not turn the ball over this season.
3. Tra Thomas
Donovan McNabb has only been sacked 10 times in Philadelphia's fifth ranked passing offense. Also, Philly's linemen are asked to do as much as any group in the NFL. Philly almost never uses Brian Westbrook or L.J. Smith as blockers, and their linemen have to do a lot of scooting out in front of screen passes.

Defensive End
1. John Abraham
The NFL's sack leader. Easy call.
2. Aaron Kampman
One of the most disruptive defensive ends in football, he's also fourth in the league in sacks.
3. Juqua Parker
11th in the NFL in sacks, he's also defended 4 passes, forced a fumble, and returned an interception for a touchdown. Super easy.

Defensive Tackle
1. Kevin Williams
The NFC's version of Albert Haynesworth, this guy just had 4 sacks in one game against the Lions. He's also the centerpiece of the NFL's fourth best rushing defense.
2. Fred Robbins
New York's defense is sixth overall in the NFL, and Robbins leads them in sacks with four.
3. Darnell Dockett
A consistently disruptive player with 19 tackles, 2 sacks, and a fumble recovery. Arizona's defense is dangerous and vastly improved, and Dockett is a big reason.

Outside Linebacker
1. Chad Greenway
Fifth in the NFC in tackles with 44 on one of the conference's best defenses. Greenway also has 2 forced fumbles on the season.
2. Rocky McIntosh
I have the benefit of watching this guy play every Sunday, and so I therefore know better than you. In all seriousness, the Redskins have the NFL's eighth ranked defense, and McIntosh is second on the team in tackles, has 2 forced fumbles and a half a sack. I don't have any more than that . . . sorry.
3. Takeo Spikes
It's got to be. 10th in the NFC in tackles, he's got 3 picks and a forced fumble to go with 7 passes defended.

Middle Linebacker
1. London Fletcher-Baker
4th in the NFC in tackles on the NFC's fifth best defense. 'Nuff said.
2. Barrett Ruud
Too easy. 40 tackles, 6 passes defended, 2 picks, and a sack. Great season underway for the young guy.

Cornerbacks
1. Antoine Winfield
Hey, the guy is having a monster season. 31 tackles, 2 sacks, 6 passes defended, a pick, 2 forced fumbles, 2 fumble recoveries, and a touchdown. Booooom!!!!
2. Charles Woodson
Tied for the NFL lead with 4 picks, he's also got a sack, 14 tackles, and . . . oh . . . only 2 touchdowns. Easy case to be made.
3. Carlos Rogers
25 tackles, 8 passes defended, and a crucial pick and 42-yard return. Rogers has only had a major hand in shutting down Anquan Boldin, Terrell Owens, DeSean Jackson, and Torry Holt through 6 games, and is the most dependable corner on the NFC's fifth ranked pass defense.

Strong Safety
1. Chris Horton
By a long shot, too. Look at his numbers: 28 tackles, 6 passes defended, 3 picks, and a fumble recovery. He's a Pro Bowl caliber player by the numbers. I don't even need to defend this one too much.

Free Safety
1. LaRon Landry
Eh, fuck you. His stats aren't huge: 22 tackles, a half-sack, and a fumble recovery, but his contributions to the defense are immeasurable. He's the center-fielder, and he plays more cover-1 than any free safety in football.

Kicker
1. Josh Brown
Did you see that guy ice the Redskins on Sunday? He's got a big-time leg, he does. And he won a game for the Rams when they were desperate to lose it.

Punter
1. Sav Rocca
He booms his punts, y'all. 46.3 yards per punt, 10 inside the 20. Good shit.

Ummmmm . . . oh yeah, The Specialists

Return Guys

AFC
1. Roscoe Parrish
He's a beast. You've all seen him.

NFC
1. Reggie Bush
You don't return 3 punts for touchdowns in 2 games and not get the nod here, all due respect to Devin Hester.

Specialists

AFC
1. George Wilson
The ace of the Buffalo Bills' best-in-the-NFL special teams.

2. Corey Graham
Okay, I pulled this one out of a hat. He's on the ballot, he plays for the Bears, they have pretty good special teams, there you have it.


Week 7 picks will be out maybe as early as this afternoon. Clearly, I don't have real work to do.