Gameday, Son!

This will be less a game-day diary and more of just a running commentary on what I'm thinking as the game goes on. Wait, does that make it a game-day diary? I just don't want to get anybody's hopes up for an interesting read here. There's every chance I'll ditch this early in the first quarter.

First, I'm disappointed that Malcolm Kelly is out again. When is this guy going to be healthy? On the other hand, I'm extremely happy that Shawn Springs is starting. The defense is 100% better with him on the field.

An early 12-men on the field penalty for St. Louis, not a good sign for them. Trying to turn things around after the bye under a new coach, not an encouraging start.

An early false start on Jon Jansen. Overcompensating for the speed of Leonard Little, are we? This will be a running subplot of this game, watching Jon Jansen in pass protection against a bona-fide speed rusher.

Shite. NFL.com's gamecast is ahead of the radio broadcast. Not fun at all. And a failed third down conversion to boot. But a great special teams break on a line-drive punt from Durant "Worst Punter in Football" Brooks, and the Rams are backed up, son!

Huge special teams play for Tampa Bay to take an early lead! And a big defensive play for Cincinnati!

Huge turnover by the Rams! Redskins ball inside the five! Bad, bad start for the Rams, maybe they really are this bad! And it was Marcus "Banged Up" Washington that forced it and Laron Landry who recovered . . . and Clinton Portis makes it count, folks. Great break for the Skins. 7-0 early.

Great start for Matt Ryan in Atlanta - 5/5 for 57 yards and a scoring drive on their opening drive. Good start there.

My Fantasy Roster for today: Jason Campbell (too early to tell), Matt Schaub (d'oh!), Steve Slaton (so far, so good), Brandon Jacobs (tomorrow night), Calvin Johnson (Dan Orlovsky? Damn!), Reggie Wayne (el zilcho so far), and Washington's defense (huzzah!). I'm looking pretty good right now on Campbell, Slaton, and Washington's D, except that Laron Landry just dropped an easy pick on third down, dammit.

Just for the record, Chris Horton has two tackles already, and Laron Landry just dropped what would have been his second turnover of the first quarter. I think we're all set at safety.

Big strike from Payton Manning to Marvin Harrison! Colts are in business early . . .

Pennington to Cobbs (who?) for 53 yards and a score! Good start for Miami!

And the Jets have duplicated the Redskins feat from Week 4 of having two touchdowns negated in one red-zone appearance by penalties. For the record, three penalties by the Bengals and Jets in one series inside the 15 yard line. Well coached, those teams. And the Jets are on the board! All tied up in Jersey!

Nothing impressive, so far, about Washington's offense in the first quarter. And a corner blitz dumps Jason Campbell on third and six. Booooooo. Need a good punt here . . . and it's a disaster. Now the crowd is booing. The punting is now officially a big problem.

Matt Schaub has two incompletions, and they were both picks. This guy's killin' me.

Huge play to blow up the reverse by Chris Horton! This guy is a beast!

Rams can't put two positive plays in a row together. A nice completion, then a pile-moving run up the middle, then a holding penalty to make it second and long. Except when they do put two good plays together, as in a completion followed by another for a first down in Skins territory. Damn.

Indy chewing up Baltimore early, moving the ball again. 5/7 for 106 and a score for Manning.

Another field goal for Atlanta, blanking Chicago 6-0. They're a good home team, like I said!

And Tampa scores again, 14-0 over Carolina!

Can't let Bulger get in a rhythm like this. He's so easy to disrupt with pressure, we've got to get some heat on this guy. They're already close to field goal position, for crying out loud.

Indy scores, and it's my guy Reggie Wayne! Great start for Indy!

Ugly miss by St. Louis, and it'll be either a 50-yard field goal attempt or an elaborate, desperate fake. Kick is up . . . and it's good off the upright. Well, at least we haven't let the turds tie it up.

Dismal fumble by Adrian Peterson in the redzone. Bad news for Minnesota to still be tied at nothing with the atrocious Lions.

Alright, dammit, it's time for a drive here for the Skins. We can't let the Rams chew up the clock and keep the offense cold. Let's get something going here! And a big run for Portis off a quick look from Campbell! Nice!

Ugh. Larry Michael and Sam Huff really screwing up Pisa Tinoisamoa's name. That's really embarrassing. As if Redskins fans aren't already embarrassed by Huff's commentary, then he goes and butchers a guy's name repeatedly.

Nice drive ends when Chris Cooley puts the ball on the turf. At least Campbell got into a rhythm there. Need a stop or turnover here. That Rams offensive line looks like garbage.

Safety in Minnesota! Vikings up!

15 plays for St. Louis, 14 for the Skins at the end of the first quarter. Both teams have lost fumbles. Redskins lead in yardage 81-48 and on the scoreboard, 7-3.

Three penalties already for the Rams. On the road, with a new head coach, trying to turn around the season, you can't keep shooting yourself in the foot like this. For the record, though, I'm really not too happy with how this game has gone so far. The Rams are controlling the ball and the Skins haven't been able to do much with their offense. I'm also not encouraged by the fact that there's no pass-rush, and the only trouble Marc Bulger has had in the pocket has been with low snaps from the center.

Cobbs 80 yards for his second score of the day! Big plays from the Dolphins in Houston!

10 total yards for the Lions in the first quarter against Minnesota. 0 catches for Calvin Johnson. On the plus side, they've already sacked Gus Frerotte 3 times. What happened to Minnesota's offensive line, one of the best in football last season? Gus took a pounding last week, too.

Ruh-roh. Jason Campbell and Chris Samuels slow to get up on that one. I'm just putting it out there: there's a whole sub-set of Washington fans just waiting for Jason Campbell to go down so they can throw him under a bus. And they're assholes. For shit's sake . . . Campbell's limping. No good. These effing Rams; 0-4, dismal, terrible, going to lose, but damn if they won't take down our quarterback on the way down.

I love the way the Redskins play on third and fourth down, but I'm really not interested in them being a team that needs a lot of third down conversions. I'd like a little more "quick strike" in their offense, only so they can put up 30 or more every once in a while.

Jets again, and it's Thomas Jones again, this time on the ground. Screw the Jets. Screw the Bengals, too, but screw the Jets. In fact, somebody call disenfranchised Brigadier General Francis X. Hummel to shoot a VX missile at that stadium right now.

Fucking A, another goddamn fumble by the Redskins, and it's lost. Not good, y'all. Not good at all.

Punt return touchdown for the Texans, and it's a game in Houston! Big special teams plays today around the league.

I somebody going to explain to me why Baltimore has run 7 times for 7 yards in Indy through a quarter and a half? What gives? Either Dungy figured out run defense or the Ravens flat out stink. One or the other. And Flacco tosses his second pick of the game. 7 running plays for 7 yards, 13 pass attempts and 2 picks.

Big run by Jason Campbell on third down! Great play! Apparently not too gimpy at all!

I'll say this for the Rams: they're competing. By God, they came to play, the bastards. Nobody told them how badly I wanted them to just lay down and die in this one. They've been pretty professional on offense, and they're doing a job on defense, they really are. They look better on defense against the Skins than any team but the Giants. The home crowd is quite quiet midway into the second quarter, and the Skins are taking herky jerky small bites in their offense and can't get a rhythm. Discouraging for Skins fans, but if you're a St. Louis supporter, you've got to like what you're seeing right now. They may not win, but they're competing.

And here comes Durant Brooks. Cross your fingers . . . horrible. Big time boos from the home crowd. There's something not right with this kid. How the hell do you win the Ray Guy award when I'm a better punter than you, and I can't even lift my leg anywhere near waist-level? Seriously, I get better hangtime on my punts than this guy does. I'm barely kidding at all.

And you're seeing the Al Saunders offense in gear in St. Louis: wasted timeouts, confused motion, no running game, holdings and false-starts, and an inability to get in and out of the huddle quickly consistently. Saunders is garbage. Donny Avery just T-Rexed that one, didn't he? He saw McIntosh coming and thought better of it. Time for one good scoring drive before the half, got to get something going here.

Oh shit, Jason Fabini in at left tackle to face Chris Long down after down. Yipe! Hey, think maybe the Rams will be blitzing over the left side of the offense?

Worst goddamn play I've ever seen. Tipped ball, Pete Kendall somehow comes down with it, but instead of going down with it or knocking it down, he tries to run like a fucking idiot, fumbles, Otogwe returns it for a touchdown, and I barf all over my computer. 3 turnovers in the first half. Seriously, this sucks. Three goddamn fumbles and a 3-point defecit into the third quarter.

Halftime, bitches.

Let's glance around the league:

Atlanta dominating Chicago at halftime, though they only have 3 field goals and 6-point lead to show for it.

Miami and Houston in a close one. I'd love to watch that one down the stretch.

Indy all over Baltimore (like I said), 24-0 at the half. Indy's back, y'all!

Detroit at 3-2 over Minnesota, and it's not even a soccer or baseball score. First of all, how can anyone take Minnesota seriously? Second of all, Detroit has done virtually nothing on offense, and they're winning. I feel bad for Detroit and Minnesota fans having to watch that atrocity.

New Orleans up 10-3 over the Raiders. And these aren't Lane Kiffin's Raiders: 16 called pass plays to only 10 runs. Al Davis is having his way.

Jets up 3 over the Carson "Gutless" Palmer-less Bengals. Apparently this one still hasn't been converted into a crater.

Tampa Bay all over Carolina. 2 picks by Jake Delhomme. You knew there was a good chance the Panthers would turn it over against the Tampa-2.

I'm a little thunderstruck by the ugliness of the Skins offense through the first half. No rhythm whatsoever. And the defense still can't get to a quarterback.

Know what? Call it a first half diary. I'm done with this shit. Check back for the week 6 recap later in the week.