Fucking NFL - Week 14 Edition

I went 12-4 with my picks this weekend, but my enthusiasm for the 2008 NFL season is almost gone. The following things depress the shit out of me:

1. The awful, contemptible San Diego Chargers winning any football game by 27 points, especially a prime-time game.
2. Philadelphia getting their first NFC East win when they're already pretty much cooked on the season. Even worse that it happened against the Giants, who played so poorly on Sunday I'm no longer making them my favorite to go to the Super Bowl from the NFC.
3. Minnesota winning a game in Detroit they had no business winning. These guys are due a huge karmic backlash. This game is like the movie Final Destination. The Lions were supposed to win that game. Now Minnesota will spend the rest of the season watching their players go down in gruesome fashion.
4. New England winning in Seattle when they had no business escaping with a victory. Seattle was the better team and they were supposed to win that game.
5. Two teams that started the season off wonderfully and looked like admirable dark-horses (the Bills and Redskins) got shoved around, beat up, exposed, and ultimately eliminated in unceremonious fashion Sunday.

There were two (2) bright spots: 1. Tony Romo utterly, utterly imploded and single-handedly ruined Dallas's chances in Pittsburgh. The ground game was strong. The defense was as good as they've ever been or ever will be. There's only one reason the Cowboys didn't win on Sunday: from beginning to end, Tony Romo was determined to kill his team. 4 total turnovers, including the game-winning touchdown "pass". Lovely! 2. Eric Mangini really went out of his way to look like a doofus in the Jets horribly one-sided, crushing loss to the 49ers. First of all, I love any coach who calls only 11 running plays when his defense is spending too much time on the field and his backfield is churning out over 5 yards per carry. That kind of balls-out stupidity, especially on a team as loathsome as the Jets, can brighten even the darkest Sunday. I've looked at the time of possession stats of that game at least . . . well, twice, and I still can't believe it. 39 minutes of possession? By San Francisco? Holy hell.

Now, a quick re-cap of week 14. And I do mean quick.

San Diego over Oakland, 34-7
My Pick: San Diego over Oakland, 20-14
Great. Good win. Not that this game had even the slightest bit of value or meaning. I hate the Chargers so much I'm starting to hate the actual city of San Diego, and I've never been there.

New Orleans over Atlanta, 29-25
My Pick: Atlanta over New Orleans, 34-30
This was a tough loss, but fortunately for the Falcons, Dallas and Tampa and Washington all also lost, meaning Atlanta sits in pretty much the exact same position they were in headed into week 14. As for the Saints, hey, good win. The Saints are dangerous at home.

Indianapolis over Whoever . . . ummmmm . . . Cincinnati? 35-3
My Pick: Indianapolis over Cincinnati, 27-13
Let's hope this is the same Bengals team that shows up on Sunday to host the Washington Redskins. That'd be just fine with me.

Philadelphia over New York Giants, 20-14
My Pick: New York Giants over Philadelphia, 28-14
Eli Manning was absolutely dismal on Sunday. He played as poorly as any NFL quarterback has played all season. Whatever else happened in this game, ultimately you have to hang this loss around his neck. Now the Giants are really banged up headed down the stretch. This game, more than any other, made me angry at the NFL. On the one hand, the whole "any given Sunday" thing makes the NFL exciting. On the other hand, fuck, I wish good teams would play well on every goddamn given Sunday. Legit Super Bowl contenders do not play as poorly as the Giants did on Sunday, not in a league that isn't super fucking thin. I'm sorry, but you can't play like a blind, burned-out junkie and have your balls ripped off and expect me to take you seriously. The Giants are a good football team, but I seem to remember a time when the really good teams in the NFL were always good, week in and week out. Sometimes they lost when their opponents were on fire, but really good teams never came out and stumbled around like fucking retards in awful, embarrassing one-sided demolitions. And that's what this was; before the Giants put up a meaningless score with under 2 minutes left, this was a 20-7 bloodbath in which the Giants had put up almost zero fight and had one of the worst, most inept offenses on any field in America this Sunday. So how in the hell does a team with the ability to look this totally dysfunctional and directionless manage to win 11 of 12 and pretty easily put away a competitive NFC East with weeks to spare? Well, the NFL is a dogshit league these days. Even the good teams are just in a transition period between sucking and sucking again. NFL franchises don't have systems, foundations, strategies, or personnel long enough to develop into the kind of teams that will always be sharp and competitive on Sunday, even in a loss. Once upon a time, every NFL team had somebody at quarterback who could see out of both eyes, offensive and defensive coordinators who knew how to use the players available to them, and even if they didn't play well every Sunday, they played roughly the same every Sunday. Bad teams were bad because they were bad. Good teams were good because they were actually good. In today's NFL, good teams are good when the stars are aligned, the wind blows at 4.7 miles per hour from the northwest, nobody on the roster implodes or sleepwalks, and the opponent lays down. Bad teams are only bad when they're trying to get their coach fired.

I'm very down on the NFL today.

Tennessee over Cleveland, 28-9
My Pick: Tennessee over Cleveland, 37-10
Cleveland sucked, Tennessee did what they were supposed to do.

Houston over Green Bay, 24-21
My Pick: Green Bay over Houston, 24-20
Matt Schaub and Steve Slaton were both excellent. The Packers were rubbish. Fuck the Packers. No team in the NFL is as good at finding ways to lose as the Packers. And what the fuck happened to Green Bay's defense? They're garbage. To reiterate: fuck the Packers.

Minnesota over Detroit, 20-16
My Pick: Minnesota over Detroit, 28-24
The Lions had this game, and they were supposed to win it. This was their week. I haven't yet figured out which team is going to get the bigger cosmic retribution; Minnesota, for winning what was supposed to be Detroit's game? Or Detroit, for letting their week slip away? Probably Detroit. Minnesota had more turnovers and more penalties; they did their part. They also put Tarvaris Jackson in the game, another concession. Minnesota did their part. As for the Lions, losing this game is like looking the gift horse in the mouth. I've never been sure what that means, but anyway they say you shouldn't do it.

Chicago over Jacksonville, 23-10
My Pick: Chicago over Jacksonville, 21-17
Way to show up, Jaguars. Jack Del Rio might have already been fired by now. If I felt like checking any sports news outlets, I might find that out. At any rate, he's pretty clearly got a pink slip coming to him. No way he comes back in 2009.

New England over Seattle, 24-21
My Pick: New England over Seattle, 28-19
They say a win is a win, but I'm not so sure. Seneca Wallace put 3 passing touchdowns on the board, ran for 47 yards, and pretty much had the Seahawks in position for a win before New England scrambled down the stretch and managed to sneak off with the "w". Now tell me, coming out of this game, which team do you think feels better? I'm guessing it's not New England. They couldn't run the ball for shit, their defense didn't do much, and they were pretty well outplayed all afternoon.

Miami over Buffalo, 16-3
My Pick: Miami over Buffalo, 21-20
Seriously. A "home" date in a dome in Toronto in December is a raw-deal, but the Bills were so flat they could probably be investigated for sabotage. It's one thing to gripe about handing away your homefield advantage, something else entirely to scuttle your entire season over it. If you're going to see your season officially flushed down the toilet, I'm not sure I can think of a worse, more depressing way than by scoring only 3 points in a lopsided loss to a division rival in a relocated "home" game. Yuck.

San Francisco over New York Jets, 24-14
My Pick: San Francisco over New York Jets, 20-14
I was spot-friggin'-on with this pick. The Jets got fucking obliterated in San Francisco. Pay no attention to that final score. New York was doubled up in yards and time of possession. The Jets defense was exposed a week ago and subsequently manhandled and brutally sodomized this Sunday. Wow. Has any defense been so embarrassingly bad with a nickel back on the field? Jesus. Eric Mangini, defensive genius, maybe you want to practice in something other than your base set? Holy hell. And what about the offense? 11 running plays to 31 passes? When your defense is tired from being on the field for more than twice as long as the opponent? What . . . the . . . fuck.

Denver over Kansas City, 24-17
My Pick: Denver over Kansas City, 28.5-20
Denver wins the AFC West.

Arizona over St. Louis, 34-10
My Pick: Arizona over St. Louis, 35-16
Pretty close, right?

Pittsburgh over Dallas, 20-13
My Pick: Pittsburgh over Dallas, 20-10
Hey, you don't go 12-4 on Sunday without getting some picks pretty damn spot on.

Tony Romo, folks. To hell with all these "gunslingers". This is what happens when a gunslinger goes up against a great defense; they sling it right to the defense. Will Tony Romo eat shit for it? Probably not. He's got his shriveled dick so far up the media's lubed-up ass, they'll probably find a way to blame his receivers.

Baltimore over Washington, 24-10
My Pick: Washington over Baltimore, 25-17
I said the Redskins needed to split the New York/Baltimore games to make the playoffs. They did not. They will not make the playoffs. It's all but official. I don't so much care about that.

What I do care about, though, is suffering through another dismal offensive showing by the Redskins, who might have one of the worst pass-protecting offensive lines in football. Now that that offensive line is down to Casey Rabach, Pete Kendall, a couple of scarecrows and a feisty Hog-ette, I can't see the situation improving down the stretch.

Here's what's missing: fucking ANYBODY other than Jason Campbell among Washington's offensive players who has anything like game-breaking ability. Washington fans are calling for a switch at quarterback, and I personally love the idea; why should we have even one guy on the field at any given moment who can both outrun a small child and reach the cupboards in my kitchen? Seriously, I love this team. Clinton Portis executes better than any tailback in football, but he has no speed at all whatsoever. The days of expecting Portis to break a run longer than 30 yards are over, and not just because teams are loading up to stop him. He might be the slowest tailback in football. Santana Moss is a smooth athlete with a lot of burst, but for fuck's sake, he's my height, he drops a lot of balls, and he's not the best in the world at a) getting open, nor b) making tough catches. Antwan Randle El is a great spokesperson for the Redskins, but that's about it. Chris Cooley is another precise player who executes well, and at the tight end position, that's what you want. On the other hand, when you don't have any other receiver on the team who isn't completely one-dimensional, Cooley's production is more or less useless, because once the Redskins get down in the redzone, the area of the field where their general shrimpiness becomes a major, major liability, all defenses have to focus on is the friggin' tight end. As for the offensive line, what the fuck. These guys can only run block. Why? Because the average age is something like 45. Pete Kendall doesn't even practice during the week because he's so goddamn old and busted. Jon Jansen's knees are about as sturdy as a house of cards. Casey Rabach, holy shit. Don't get me started. Chris Samuels apparently has ebola or some shit. He's more busted down than the U.S. Auto Industry. Randy Thomas was never a special pass-blocker. The Redskins need a lot of help up front. This upcoming draft must yield at least one viable starter on the offensive line.

As for the defense, Christ it's the same shit every week! Zero pass rush, and I mean zero. I'm getting tired of people talking about them "getting pressure", but just no sacks. Motherfuckers, either they're getting pressure and have the worst secondary in football, or they aren't getting pressure for shit. My fucking eyes tell me they couldn't generate pressure on a blood pressure cuff. The Redskins have a fantastic secondary, maybe the deepest in the NFL, but it isn't worth shit if they can't ever force a quick throw up front. Of all the annoying shit that's been exposed about this Redskins team in the last 5 weeks, the utter inability to get even a little bit of consistent pressure is so maddening I want to run out onto the field and twist Jason Taylor's head off.

I'm allowing myself to rant a little bit after this loss because it marked the end of the Redskins 2008 season. All in all, I'd still call the season a success and I still think this Redskins team ranks among my all-time favorites in burgundy and gold. The Redskins might be one of only a handful of semi-successful or successful teams in the league that actually plays pretty consistently every Sunday. It's just a shame they can't play at a consistently higher level. And when I use the word "can't", I friggin' mean it. They can't. They don't have it. Maybe next season, when Malcolm Kelly and Devin Thomas and Fred Davis are ready to make bigger contributions and the offensive and defensive lines have been addressed, maybe they'll be able to do something in Jim Zorn's offense. As for this season, I'm no longer waiting for the Redskins to have a break-out offensive game. They don't have it. The 29 points they put up in week 2 is the high-point. The personnel ain't right. There it is.

Carolina over Tampa Bay, 38-23
My Pick: Carolina over Tampa Bay, 20-13
Carolina and Tampa Bay, two more NFC teams that don't belong in the discussion of best team in the NFL. This season, there is no best team in the NFL. I refuse to put anyone atop that pile. No team in the NFL has been good enough week to week to earn it. Please don't anybody dare utter the word "Tennessee", either. Kerry Collins is playing like a guy who wants to go back to the bench. Tennessee's offense isn't scaring anybody, and their defense is coming back to earth. They're not better than Carolina.


And that's the whole deal for week 14. This season has gotten very messy, and I'm getting sick of it. Hopefully week 15 will be a little better.

Peace!