A Nod to Halloween and NFL Rankings

Happy muhfuckin' Halloween, y'all!

Last night, I was part of a party of four that drove 3 hours from D.C. to Philadelphia in rush hour traffic to have our pants scared off at Terror Behind the Walls at Eastern State Penitentiary. You know this place: it's been on the Travel Channel, on Rachel Ray, on the Discovery Channel, and on MTV's old late-nite show Fear. Basically, it's a massive 175 year-old prison smack dab in the middle of Philadelphia, only a few blocks from downtown. For a few weeks every year before Halloween, they convert this historic site into the country's most popular Halloween attraction, a giant haunted house type deal with tons of actors, fancy special effects, and what seemed like all the artificial fog in the whole universe.

Markoff's Haunted Forest, in Dickerson, MD, will be our standard bearer here, our measuring stick for the greatness of Terror Behind the Walls. Markoff's is the shit, plain and simple. The expectation, though, was that TBtW would probably kick the living shit out Markoff's. Markoff's is small-ish and tucked into the woods of western Maryland. TBtW is massive, incredibly popular, gets tons of attention and press, and sits smack dab in the middle of a major metropolitan.

Setting: First, the setting couldn't be much better for TBtW. This friggin' prison is intimidating as shit all on its own. It's absolutely huge, and it looks like a goddamn castle. It was built in the early 1800s, it has huge stone walls and parapets, it's dark, dank, creepy, it echoes, and it has some seriously spooky hallways. It was built in the hub-and-spoke style, with a big central room containing guards and so forth, and then each hallway of cells extends off that hub like spokes, such that a guard standing in the middle can rotate in place and look down each cell block. The whole deal is surrounded by a massive stone wall. It's friggin' scary.
Markoff's is in the woods. Big whoop. Still, it's a long drive or a quiet ferry ride through the middle of bum-fuck nowhere to get there, and then once you get there, it's the only thing there. There's a giant old Pepsi factory sort of looming off in the distance, and it does kind of feel like you're going far from civilization to creep down a little path in the dark-ass woods, emerging in a little cleared out compound with bonfires and shit. It's atmospheric. It's spooky. It's fun. It does the job. Edge: TBtW

Getting There: TBtW is literally 3 minutes down Broad Street from central downtown Philadelphia. You have to pay $10 to park in a lot a few blocks away and wait in a long, long line to ride a crowded trolly to the actual site. Those would be negatives. Still, it's in the middle of a big city. Talk about convenience.
Markoff's is, well, in the middle of nowhere. Where that is undoubtedly a major benefit in some respects, it's a huge, huge pain in the ass in the whole "getting there" department. If you elect to go the long way, you're really putting a lot of faith in your navigator, because there are no landmarks and no signs, and even though you pass through a few tiny little villages, by the time you're headed out there, those things are all shut down for the night. It's a fun, spooky drive if you're up for it, know the way, and have an hour to burn. Your other option is the ferry, which is a crap shoot at best. If you get there and can drive right onto the ferry, you're talking about a 30 minute total drive time from my house. Then there's also the possibility that you wait in line for the ferry for 90 minutes, which turns your total travel time into something more like 2 hours. Seriously, you could miss the Haunted Forest altogether just by waiting at the ferry too long.
Objectively, TBtW has a significant advantage in terms of location. On the other hand, I'm the one writing this review, so for me, we're talking about measuring a maximum travel time of 2 hours if I'm ever stupid enough to wait that long for the ferry again, versus a minimum of 3 hours to get to Eastern State Penitentiary. Plus, TBtW is a night-time thing, so I have to leave during rush hour and drive through 2.5 metropolitan regions (D.C., Baltimore, Wilmingon).
Edge: Markoff's

Getting In: TBtW is friggin' popular, yo. The line for the goddamn trolley is like 35 minutes long. Then you get to the actual prison and there's a huge, huge line to get in. You have to buy your tickets in advance, and you buy them for a 30 minute time slot. If you show up on time for your time slot, you will wait at least another hour in line. If you show up early, add as many minutes as you are early to that hour. If you show up late, you get in at the end of the line that is entering at that exact moment, which means you could be in in maybe 15 or 20 minutes. So never show up on time. Then, just the process of getting through the long admissions process is another 25 minutes, then there's a massive, incredibly long line into the actual start of the walk. All told, after parking your car, you're talking about a minimum of another 75-90 minutes of standing in an incredibly long line that feeds you directly into the start of the attraction. It's a bear. It can spoil your Halloween spirit, fo'real.
Markoff's is popular as balls, too, but you park right in front of the bitch in a big ass field. There's a line for admission, and on a super-big night, you're talking about 30 minutes of standing in line. Thing is, once you get to the front, you get a numbered ticket instead of just marching straight into the attraction. That numbered ticket will be called over a PA system when it's your turn. Meantime, there's a whole slew of side attractions you can enjoy, there's food and movies and hot cocoa and bonfires and music. It's like a festival out there, and it's fun as hell. I'm not kidding, here: I've heard my number called for the Forest before and been downright sad about leaving the "compound" behind. To be honest, this is so not a contest at all.
Edge: Markoff's

Spook Factor: TBtW is spooky, spookier 'n a mother. First of all, the building is intimidating. Second of all, it's very tight and dark in there. If you were walking around in there without ghouls jumping out at you, you'd still be quite scared. The ambiance is right on, with fog and scary, intense music throughout. With the exception of the first maybe 15% of the walk-through, the decoration of the space is impressive, lots of paint, lots of lighting, lots of eerie skulls and blood and shit like that. Towards the end, they really ratchet up the scenery, and it works. Very, very spooky, even without the ghouls.
Markoff's is spooky, in no small part because you're walking through the woods. The woods are lit almost exclusively by little candles in little tin pails hung up in trees along the path. It's easy to feel lost, it's incredibly dark, and it's sometimes very difficult to see the scares coming. The scenes themselves are spooky and well-prepared. Towards the end, the spook factor might decline just slightly and veer in another direction altogether, but it's packed with spooks.
Edge: TBtW

Pace: TBtW has a major problem in this department. First of all, they have nothing set up to deal with the huge masses, and no way to divert people for even a few seconds except the bathrooms, so there's nothing left for it but to dump everyone into the actual attraction in one near-constant stream. That means your jammed chest to back with strangers throughout, which not only can make people self-conscious, but diminishes the actual scares themselves by giving you a preview of every corner ahead of you. Whenever somebody really freaks out up there, the whole line has to stop and stand still for a few seconds which really sucks. We actually had time to maintain a side conversation, which is in no way a knock on the actual scares themselves, which were the shit. Second of all, they've broken the attraction into four or more parts, and each part has a little checkpoint/admissions staging area, which is another roadblock. All in all, it's a very choppy, very crowded experience, and the pace is way, way off.
Markoff's has the whole compound area to enjoy, they call folks up in groups of maybe 15, then those groups are split up into families, couples, whatever, then they hold you for a moment, then they send you on one of two different paths through the forest. In short, it's possible, under ideal circumstances, to walk very slowly through the Haunted Forest, totally at your own pace, and literally never come withing 15 feet of the folks in front or behind, which is essentially like walking through the forest alone with the ghouls.
Edge: Markoff's

Sheer Terror: TBtW has some seriously scary shit in there, but literally none of it is in the beginning. The pacing is never more off, the scenery is never more boring, and the scares are never more tame than the first 8-10 minutes of this puppy. Then you go into a cell block for about 4 minutes of extremely intense shocks and terror. Really scary, very fast-paced. Then there's another scary, very well-done, highly stylized but significantly less intense 4 or 5 minute stretch, followed by a flat-out jaw dropping 3-D type deal that pretty much knocked my socks off. It wasn't especially terrifying, but it was effing terrific. The last part, the finale, is over the top outstanding and I won't spoil it for you, but let's just say if there's some way to use a giant, ancient, abandoned building in the middle of the night so as to maximize a person's stress and fear, they nailed it. It's still too crowded, but that was about the most stressful, tense 5 minutes of Halloween fun I've ever had. Great, great finish.
Markoff's starts with a bang. There's no bullshit in those woods. You walk through the giant skull doorway and you're in with a rude introduction. There are zero, zero non-terrifying scares in the Haunted Forest. Maybe they could use a few scares more on the eerie, spooky side, but I'd go ahead and say maybe the top 15 most gleefully terrified moments in my life took place in there. As you go along, basically you've got 2 minutes of dark, silent woods to creep through between each scene in which to collect yourself. That's about as docile as it gets. The scenes themselves almost always have 2 or 3 ghouls pouncing on you from different directions, sometimes in very clever disguises. Some of these can be very quick and sharp, others can be prolonged and flat-out over-the-top bizarre and terrifying. The Clown Room, for instance. Nothing else needs to be said about that. And let's just go ahead and say Markoff's closes with 8 minutes of the most intense, ridiculously packed and stressful sensory assault possible. It may not have the subtlety of TBtW's final act, but it packs just an absurd amount of terror and tension into a relatively short space. It's the champ.
Edge: Markoff's

Overall: TBtW is really incredibly impressive, the kind of thing you have to see to believe. I probably can't describe the strength of the impression this thing makes on you just to see it from the outside, dressed up in Halloween lighting with scary music and screams coming from within. All that good cheer and excitement is almost totally ruined, however, by having to wait in one long, long, incredibly long line with almost nothing to divert your attention from the equally bored people around you. Simply put, they've got to solve that. Then, the start is just a continuation of that same experience, only with louder music and some guys jumping out at you. Normally, I'm all for a slow start, but when you've been standing in line for a year having the spirit ripped out of you, you need a jolt to grab you and jam you back into the mode, and it ain't here. The proximity to other guests, the choppy pace, and the effect those things have on the scares themselves turn what probably ought to be the most intimidating, terrifying Halloween experience possible into a relatively tame overall experience. Add to that the fact that it really is just the Terror Behind the Walls experience, with no other attractions and pretty much nothing at all to do before or after the walk, and I have to say, it was more than a little disappointing.
Markoff's has an overwhelming edge in the overall experience of being there and participating. Honestly, I might consider going to Markoff's even without doing the Forest itself. The Haunted Bus, the Haunted Hayride, the consessions, the bonfires, the Bat Flight, the Spider Crawl, the Fortune Teller, the Ghost Hunt, the Death Leap, the old spooky Vincent Price movies projected on a screen, the ghouls walking around in the crowd, all add up to a general spirit of celebration. The Forest itself is better paced and makes better use of what's available to just scare the shit out of you. You walk out of it totally fulfilled and almost ready to fork over another $25 bucks for another walk-through on the other path. I wasn't so surprised to find that, ultimately, one extremely popular Halloween attraction is superior to another, nor was I so surprised that Markoff's came out on top. I was pretty well shocked to find that, really, it's not even close. Markoff's just owns Terror Behind the Walls. If Markoff's were in Philly and TBtW were in Maryland, I'd still prefer Markoff's. TBtW is very, very scary, and I'd not only recommend it, I'd urge you to take the trip some time and I will certainly go back. But there's no way in hell it's up there with the Haunted Forest, the champ of Halloween attractions.

Now, without further ado, NFL Rankings for Week 8, with a "How to Spend Halloween" theme.

Markoff's Haunted Forest, Dickerson Maryland

1. Tennessee Titans
Maybe not perfect, but until somebody else jumps up and takes 'em down, they're the champ.

2. New York Giants
Time-tested, tough, consistently dominant, and as balanced as it gets.

Markoff's Haunted Bus & Haunted Hayride

3. Washington Redskins
Solid, always seem to do the job, but not in the same league as the champs.

4. Carolina Panthers
Doing about as well as you could hope, but still flawed and not ready to be a real contender.

Terror Behind the Walls, Philadelphia, Pennsylvaina

5. New England Patriots
Critically flawed and surprisingly far back from the contenders.

6. Buffalo Bills
The pieces are there, but you're right to wonder whether they look a lot better than they are.

7. Pittsburgh Steelers
Capable of greatness, but something is lacking in the planning and execution here.

A Fully Decorated Townhouse at 11001 Barton Hill Court

8. Chicago Bears
You could do a lot worse. Maybe the mention of them doesn't scare you, but then you get there and, hey, you could do a lot worse.

9. Philadelphia Eagles
Mor fun than scary, unless you're over-matched.

A Bowl of Pretzels, A Brewsky, and The Evil Dead on DVD Halloween Night

10. Green Bay Packers
Sufficiently adequate to do the job most of the time, but decidedly not special.

11. Arizona Cardinals
Will suffice if you're stuck at home, not worth a damn if you're on the road.

Flat Coke and The Simpsons Halloween Specials Compilation DVD

12. Atlanta Falcons
There's something to like there, but this ain't enough to be taken seriously.

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
A sorry, sad pretend version of the real thing, something to be ashamed of.

14. Baltimore Ravens
If the glass is half full, hey, at least there's some entertainment value.

A Child's Cowboy Costume Without the Pants, Crying and Stumbling Through Georgetown

15. Houston Texans
Scary? Sure! Pathetic and sad, but pretty damned scary, too!

16. New Orleans Saints
Looked good a few weeks ago, right? Rethinking that idea now, aren't you?

An Expensive, Intricately Prepared Costume of The World's Largest Particle Collider

17. Denver Broncos
Ambitious, potentially interesting, but ultimately busted and only scary if you're uninformed.

Old Willie's Haunted Chevron Station on the Interstate

18. New York Jets
You're a fucking moron if you get sucked into being afraid of this garbage.

Dressing Up the Mini-Pinscher in a Batman Costume

19. Miami Dolphins
Either cute or pathetic, depending on who you ask.

20. Jacksonville Jaguars
Only scary if furious and you happen to be a piece of crap.

Opening Up 2-Month Old Collection Notices

21. Indianapolis Colts
More sad and frustrating than anything else.

22. Cleveland Browns
Probably in too deep a hole to dig out, which actually is a little scary, I guess.

Pulling Out the Box of Halloween Decorations at 9pm, Weeping Quietly Into Your Hands

23. San Diego Chargers
Sure, the pieces are there, but what good is that?

24. Minnesota Vikings
It's so easy to see where everything went wrong, but now it's way too late to do anything about it.

25. Dallas Cowboys
Look, let's stop pretending anything can be done with this mess, okay? If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now.

Running Through the Neighborhood in All Black Smashing Other People's Pumpkins to Smithereens

26. St. Louis Rams
Can't do anything for your own cause, but it's never too late to fuck up everyone else's good time.

27. Seattle Seahawks
It's not for lack of effort, that much is sure.

Shopping for Cheap Christmas Gifts at the Mall

28. Kansas City Chiefs
Getting an early start on next season, are we? Not even pretending to give a shit about this one anymore.

29. San Francisco 49ers
It couldn't be more obvious that the person in charge here is positioning to take advantage of the next opportunity, and it's embarrassing.

Celebrating Christmas by Sitting on "Santa's" Lap at the Mall, Only He's Not Santa, or Even Pretending to Be Santa, and You're Under Arrest

30. Oakland Raiders
This is one fucked up, dysfunctional situation we've got here.

Plummeting Downwards at Terminal Velocity in a Fire-Engulfed Chevy Nova

31. Detroit Lions
A disaster, soon to blow up into a million pieces.

Stumbling Out Into the Road Nude with a Carved Jack-O-Lantern Crammed on Your Head, Passing Out in the Path of a Steam-Roller, Never Waking Up

32. Cincinnati Bengals
Not entirely sure how it got so bad, not entirely sure how long it'll go on, only knowing it'll be ugly, painful, and gruesome, and it'll leave everyone with a sick feeling in their stomach that'll likely never go away.

Happy Halloween, muhfuckaz. Go Skynards!