As Promised, Another Week of Humiliation!

Take a gander at these humdingers (now with Updates!):

Green Bay @ Minnesota

Wouldn't it be funny to suggest that this one depends on who the Vikings start at quarterback? Let's see; if they go with the crappy old turd who has never been that good in the first place . . .they'll probably lose. If they start the second-year guy who runs real fast but can't distinguish between teammates and opponents . . .no, I don't like the looks of that either. Well, there's always Brooks Bollinger! Yeah right, it'll have to be the Adrian Peterson show. Chester Taylor is healthy and should play. Don't all run out to the fantasy waiver-wire at once. Can the Packers go 4-0?

Not if I pick 'em.
Packers over Vikings, 17-6

Oakland @ Miami

A couple of times a year you have a real stinker like this one. I suggest no one tune in, maybe the networks will switch to infomercials or some other such superior programming. It's in Miami, and that's really a lot of traveling for the Raiders, so . . .

Dolphins over Raiders, 16-13 I hate picking this kind of game. Its a crapshoot.

NY Jets @ Buffalo

If the Jets win enough of these contests against flat, sucky, hopeless teams, Pennington might hang around for another year, the Jets fans might convince themselves they have a competitive team, and people will continue to call Eric Mangini "Mangenius" instead of "Mangina", which is really a much better nickname. I can't wait for a sportscaster to slip up and utter that one. You know it's coming.

Jets over Bills, 28-10

Houston @ Atlanta

I'm rather excited about the Texans. Matt Schaub looks like a great pick-up, and Kubiak seems to be pushing all the right buttons. Joey Harrington is basically playing week to week at this point. He had a hell of a game on Sunday. He'll probably shit blood in this one. It's too much to ask for him to have two good games in a row. It would be a major setback if the Texans failed to rebound from their tough loss to the Colts.

Texans over Falcons, 24-17

Chicago @ Detroit

I'm not too sure about this one. Its a divisional contest, plus its in Detroit, and I actually think the Lions might be the superior team. On the other hand, I did go 6-10 last week, and I'm in last place in my fantasy league, sitting 600 points behind the next guy up and 1,400 points from the leader. Jesus Effing Christ.

Bears over Lions, 26-17 What the hell. Where did I get 26 points from? Who knows anymore? The whole world has been turned on it's ear.
Update 9/27: After a few days to consider the ramifications of the Brian Griese call, I'm now no longer confident in this pick. I really, really want to change it, but I'm not going to. Just know that I really, really wanted to.

Baltimore @ Cleveland

The Browns might actually be figuring things out a little bit. Derek Anderson didn't shoot his team in the foot TOO bad on Sunday, but they did lose to the Raiders. Is it obvious I'm suffering a crisis of confidence? Holy balls. Baltimore needs the win, and this could be a get healthy game for them, after eeking out a victory against Kurt Warner. Ah hell with it . . .

Ravens over Browns, 34-9 I know what you're thinking; that's an absurd score. How the hell will the Browns have 3 scoring drives? Or am I thinking safety?

St. Louis @ Dallas

This one has all the trappings of a man-raping. St. Louis is going without Stephen Jackson. Do they have the balls to compete without their engine? Hell no. Never have. Dallas, on the other hand, just gave the business to the Bears, and they have the most hideous fans in the world. What does that have to do with anything? It means I'm reluctant to pick the goddamn Cowboys.

Cowboys over Rams, 38-14 Man, the Rams are in sorry shape. They had real playoff aspirations.

Tampa Bay @ Carolina

Goooo Panthers! It was encouraging to see Carolina get a win with very little production from Steve Smith. His biggest contribution was in somehow getting under D'Angelo Hall's skin. What the hell was that all about? Hall imploded, and he took his team with him. Seriously, the Falcons ought to fine him and sit him. They aren't winning shit anyway, might as well send a message. That was easily as bad as Milton Bradley blowing out his ACL while bitching at an umpire, if for no other reason than that Major League Baseball is a bunch of bullshit and the NFL is infinitely superior, so minor things that happen in the NFL are as significant as major things that happen in MLB. Kiss my ass, baseball.

Panthers over Bucs, 20-16 By calling a bunch of close games, I look like less of a moron when I choose the wrong team. "Hey, like I said, it could have gone either way . . ." What a devout coward I am.

Seattle @ San Francisco

As much as I like the new 49ers, I'm taking the Sea-jacks. Why? WHY? Because I need Matt Hasselbeck to throw a bunch of touchdowns! Something that just happened made me think of the rant by Oklahoma State's coach yesterday. What was that all about? I love a good coach-rant, but does he need to paint his face orange to pull it off? Wait. . .what? He didn't paint his face? Wow, even better.

Seahawks over 49ers, 27-21
Update 9/27: You know, the Sea-jacks haven't really faced any super tough defenses yet, and the 49ers are a tough, competitive bunch with a few real playmakers. I'm having second thoughts here . . .

Kansas City @ San Diego

I'd like to revisit a point I made last week; if the Chargers can't rebound from the devestating loss on Sunday and beat an inferior team in a must-win situation, they have no balls, and Norv Turner won't finish the year. Here you go, Norv, the biggest cupcake of all. CBS should PIP the coaches at all times on this one, wouldn't that be something? If the Chiefs win this game, someone will say something nice about Herm Edwards, and that can't happen. Someone in Kansas City will use the word "playoffs". Oh my god.

Chargers over Chiefs, 100-1 Well why the fuck not? Oh right, 1 point is impossible. Keep the spread, though.

Pittsburgh @ Arizona

Wait, didn't this game just happen? No, seriously. Didn't the Steelers just take on the upstart young team from the NFC West? Didn't they just feast on the exciting young quarterback? Yes, in fact they did. And I'd expect the same result in this one. Wisenhunt has got to stick with Leinart, though. I know they're trying to win games, and sometimes the young guy doesn't give you the best chance to win, but Leinart is the future of this franchise, not Kurt Warner, and as much as it sucks for Zona fans, the Cardinals are still playing for the future, not the present.

Steelers over Cardinals, 31-13 That's not a close score. That has "asshole" written all over it. You've got to have balls in this world. Big, throbbing, manly balls that drag around on the floor behind you.
Update 9/27: Are the Steelers due for a loss, on the road? Aren't the Cardinals a talented team that nearly took down Baltimore last Sunday? The Steelers haven't really been tested yet, have they?

Denver @ Indianapolis

Looks like I picked up Brandon Marshall just in time for his team to get flattened in the RCA Dome. Yay. On the other hand, the Broncos are 2-1 and atop their terrible, terrible division, and the Colts haven't exactly blown out their last two opponents. Either that means they're weak, or they're due to have a shite all over someone. I'll take the latter.

Colts over Broncos, 28-16

Philadelphia @ NY Giants

Man, I hate the Giants. Now more than ever. I can't friggin' stand Tom Coughlin, and I hate the idea that the Redskins enabled this piece of crap. I hope the Eagles hang another "50 burger" on them. I really think the Eagles are coming around. I hate to pick another road team after my stunning, Atlanta Falconian effort from week 3, but . . .

Eagles over Giants, 35-24 Man is that ever an emotional pick. I'll be eating out of the toilet on that one. The second I finished typing it, I knew it was doomed for failure. Well, as I was saying about balls . . .
Update 9/27: I have to at least concede that the Giants might win this game. They have tools. I can't stand the idea of a 2-2 Giants team, with those two wins coming in the NFC East, so I'm sticking with the Eagles. For my money, this is the game to watch on Sunday.

New England @ Cincinnati

The Bengals are desperate for a win. Who better for them to be facing than the juggernaut of the NFL, on Monday night, no less? Something tells me this one'll be a laugher. Do I dare keep the 38 point streak alive? I do. I can't believe I'm about to pick another road team. What the hell is going on here? The Bengals defense has been downright awful against the pass all year, and that is exactly where the Pats are going nuts. This should be a really fun game if the Bengals get it going.

Patriots over Bengals, 38-31 I'll be rooting for the Bengals, so for a second Monday night in a row, I'll be that asshole that takes victory from defeat no matter who wins the game. What a prick bastard.

Thank god the Skynards are off this Sunday. I'm so pissed over their revolting second half against the Giants I'm ready to fire the whole team. I need the Eagles to get revenge this Sunday.