Yeesh. Choke Jobs All Around.

And let's get right to it:

Steelers over Rams, 41-24
My Pick: Steelers over Rams, 27-13

The only interesting part of this game was how the NFL Network spent all week trying to convince viewers this game had any importance at all. True, if the Steelers had lost, they'd be in danger or not reaching the playoffs in Week 17, but was there any chance they'd lose? No. Great game from Ben Roethlisberger. He'll do that from time to time.

Cowboys over Panthers, 20-13
My Pick: Cowboys over Panthers, 31-17

My God, is there even ONE NFC DIVISION WINNER THAT ISN'T BACKING IN TO THE PLAYOFFS? Seriously, this was an ugly game that ought to give Dallas fans a lot to think about. T.O. is hurt, the Dallas defense is now officially the most over-rated thing outside of the Pacific Northwest, and Romo is starting to look like a guy who is mostly the product of the talent around him. They looked like crap on Saturday, they should have won this game by several touchdowns against one of the NFC's crappier teams.

Lions over Chiefs, 25-20
My Pick: Lions over Chiefs, 28-20

There was at least one person shamelessly begging for a late field goal from the Lions: this guy. I almost nailed it! The best the Lions can hope for, at this point, is to finish their season with a little pride. They haven't been this close to .500 in a while.

Colts over Texans, 38-15
My Pick: Colts over Texans, 24-21

Yikes! Indy sure knows what to do against division foes. This was pretty brutal, you know you're in bad shape when Jim Sorgi is playing in the THIRD QUARTER in a late season division contest. He was completing passes to guys I'm pretty sure I've never heard of or seen before. I wouldn't want to play the Colts right now, they aren't even healthy and they look unbeatable.

Jaguars over Raiders, 49-11
My Pick: Jaguars over Raiders, 35-7

When you pick a blow-out, you're generally disappointed, and here's why: if you think one team has no chance, you can be sure nobody else is giving them a chance either, including their opponent. Usually, that means the underdog plays with a chip on their shoulder, while the favorite takes a few minutes to figure out their opponent has a pulse. That was not the case here: the Raiders did not have a pulse. I can't remember the last non-Patriots game I picked as a blow-out but didn't get the margin high enough. The rumor is JaMarcus Russell will get his first NFL start on Sunday, but after the turd he laid in this one, I might reconsider. I'm sure he has a bright future, but he looked like flushed shit against the Jags defense.

Bears over Packers, 35-7
My Pick: Packers over Bears, 20-10

I wish I had more to say about this result, but I don't. Sometimes Brett Favre plays like an asshole, this was one of those times. Sometimes the Bears defense looks like the Bears defense of last season, like Sunday. Mostly, the Bears came out charged and ready to kick the shit out of their division leader, while the Packers came out flat and got punched in the mouth. I don't know, you can't feel too good about your team if you're swept by the division cellar-dweller.

Giants over Bills, 38-21
My Pick: Bills over Giants, 27-18

I said it would be a choke job if the Bills lost this game, and I'm sticking by that statement. Here's why: Eli Manning went 7-15 for 111 yards and 2 picks; that's about as pathetic a stat-line as you're likely to see from a starting quarterback in the NFL. He also fumbled FIVE times and lost two of them. When a road team comes in and loses four turnovers and fails to produce 120 yards in the air, you ought to win by at least, at LEAST two touchdowns. I can't believe the Bills gave up 300 rushing yards at home. That's an epic embarrassment. Trent Edwards was also crap: 9-26 for 161 with 2 scores and 3 picks. He also lost a pair of fumbles. They say this guy is their quarterback: they'd better be sure. He completed just over a third of his passes, averaged a truly disgusting 5 yards per attempt, and threw a third as many picks as he did COMPLETIONS. In a big game at home against a reeling opponent. Yuk.

Eagles over Saints, 38-23
My Pick: Saints over Eagles, 27-21

Another choke job. How bad are Eagles fans? Philly is 2-5 at home, 5-3 on the road, with wins in New Orleans, Dallas, Washington, and Minnesota, and the best effort yet at the Patriots. On the road, they average 23 points per game, at home - 19. Nice job, Eagles fans. Hey, here's a clue: you're supposed to boo the OTHER GUYS. You know you're doing your job as a fan when your players get a bigger boost from a road crowd than at home. Idiots. As for the Saints, way to go, losers. In the end, the Saints were in the driver's seat for the final wild-card: neither the Vikings nor Redskins had a tie-breaker over them and the Saints had only to win two EASY games to end the season and they were in. Now, they need a TON of help. They need both the Skins and Vikings to lose and they need a win. Good luck.

Bengals over Browns, 19-14
My Pick: Browns over Bengals, 37-24

I'm not going to rip the Browns for failing to score three touchdowns against the Bengals terrible defense. I'll go easy on Derek Anderson after he threw four interceptions, almost all of them terrible decisions. I'm going to lay off the Browns coaching staff, who failed to coach their guys to a victory in a must-win situation against a very weak Bengals team. Instead, I'm going to hold out hope that the Browns don't CRUSH their fans by losing to the goddamn 49ers on Sunday. The Browns, unbelievably, need help from the Titans to get to the post-season. How much does that suck? The Titans are playing for their season against a Colts team with nothing to play for, and if they get the win, they're in. GO COLTS! GO BROWNS! GOD DAMN IT!

Cardinals over Falcons, 30-27
My Pick: Cardinals over Falcons, 24-14

Overtime game. Somebody won.

49ers over Bucs, 21-19
My Pick: Bucs over 49ers, 21-10

Forget that Shaun Hill is now 2-0 as the starting quarterback for the 49ers. This is an inexcusable loss for the Bucs, I don't care if Gruden himself was strapped in under center. Seriously, yes, you want to be healthy and rested for the playoffs, but you also want to have a little momentum. Losing to the friggin' TERRIBLE 49ers is about the worst thing you can do for the confidence of your team and your fans. Gross. I have nothing else to say.

Patriots over Dolphins, 28-7
My Pick: Patriots over Dolphins by a lot

I picked a blow-out and it was a blow-out. It wasn't a hideous massacre, but if you're sitting around buying the hype that the Patriots are at anything less than full strength because they only won by three touchdowns, you're a moron.

Seahawks over Ravens, 27-6
My Pick: Seahawks over Ravens, 28-16

Don't believe your eyes or ears when it comes to the Seahawks: they stink. The Ravens are just this bad. ESPN.com dared to suggest that this was the best, most complete game the Seahawks have played all season with a straight face. Holy hell, look who they were facing! The Ravens lost to the DOLPHINS. They're one of the 2 or 3 worst teams in football. If you took the 2005, 2006, and 2007 seasons, lined all 96 teams up in order from worst to first, the Ravens would STILL be in the bottom 5. This is what the Seahawks do: they beat up MISERABLE teams at home. They stink! I hate the Seahawks!

Titans over Jets, 10-6
My Pick: Titans over Jets, 20-14

Yeah, that's a playoff team. How 'bout those Titans, dragging down the quality of the AFC playoff picture with every hideous win. Still, a win is a win.

Redskins over Vikings, 32-21
My Pick: Redskins over Vikings, 35-3

I picked a blow-out, a blow-out is what you got. The final score might seduce you into thinking the Vikings were in this game, but in truth, they weren't. All the Skins had to do to win the game was run the ball enough to set up a few tosses deep and stuff the run defensively. Yeah, that sounds tough, but it really was that simple. The Vikings actually aren't a good pass defense, and as strong as their run defense has been, they were worn down by the fact that the Vikings offense couldn't stay on the field in the first half. The Skins were pretty shameless about loading the box early, and Tarvaris Jackson just couldn't make 'em pay for it. He looked like crap until the game was out of hand. The Skins made every important play early, converting third downs, getting a few timely passes in there, and seeming to come up with a stuff on every defensive third down. Adrian Peterson ain't right, by the way. He had a couple of explosive plays in there, but you can tell he can't cut with confidence and has lost some agility. He's still a terrifying back, but a healthy Adrian Peterson would have done a lot more damage in this game. The Skins control their own destiny now; they're in the playoffs with a win on Sunday.

Chargers over Broncos, 23-3
My Pick: Chargers over Broncos, 28-17

Jay Cutler gave Broncos fans a good reason to hug the toilet for a few hours on Christmas; not only did he look like crap, he looked like a friggin' baby, pouting and whining after every shitty pass in the second half. You know, for a guy who doesn't say much, he sure does have an instinct for when and how to turn vocal: when he's torpedoing his team with terrible play at the end of a lost season, he turns into Ryan Leaf and starts showing up his teammates on the field. Nice job, dick. I went from liking this kid to thinking he's a total turd in one awful blow-out. As for the Broncos, Shanahan accomplished what seemed to be his main goal for the 2007 season: driving down the market value of every back on his team at all costs. Travis Henry went from preseason hype to forgotten junk; Selvin Young had a few bright spots erased by erratic playing-time; Mike Hall keeps the end of the bench clean, etc. The Broncos have gone from a running-back factory to a running-back wasteland this season. If I were either coming out of college or a free-agent, Denver would be at the very bottom of my list of teams I'd be interested in playing for. They're so convinced of their ability to run the ball regardless of who is toting the rock, they now go out of their way to undermine individual players' success. Oh yeah, San Diego won, LT looked great for a half before riding the pine, and Norv Turner even botched the hand-off to second-string players by inserting Billy Volek about 10 minutes too early, while the game could still swing either way with a big turnover. The Broncos got that turnover on Volek's first play, when he doinked a hand-off off of Artoose Pinner's elbow, giving the Broncos the ball in the red-zone. Imagine if the Broncos were competent: they would have scored there, making it a two touchdown game with most of the second half left to play, and Turner would have had to re-insert his starters into the game. Instead, the Broncos are crap, turned the ball over, and lost.

I'm doing picks for the final weekend, even though it's pretty much impossible to know who'll play and for how long on most teams in the NFL. Still, there are three match-ups with huge playoff implications: Browns/49ers, Titans/Colts, Skins/Cowboys. Then there are two match-ups that only matter depending on the outcome of the Skins game: Saints/Bears and Vikings/Broncos. I can't believe the Skins might get in, after all the crap that's gone wrong for them this season. I'm not hoping the Cowboys rest everyone: I'm hoping they bring everything they've got into Washington on Sunday, that's the only way I want the Skins getting in.

Picks later. PEACE!